ChickHughes

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The kids are asleep.  The house is quiet.  It’s been a while since the mattress springs have been properly challenged.  He’s feeling frisky.  All arrows point to go on the sex front…for him.  He makes a move to coerce her into the bedroom.  But instead of a warm, passionate kiss followed by a romp in the hay, he’s met with excuses.  “I’m exhausted.”  “I have a headache.”  “Not tonight.  I just want to get some sleep.”  He’s left feeling rejected, denied, and alone.  He may think… “She doesn’t want me.”  “Maybe I don’t do it for her anymore.”  Her rejection can plant insecurities in him.  But then again, he may just wonder where her libido has slithered away to.  It’s unlikely he’ll employ much further analysis.  He’ll just leave it at that, get tired of being rejected, and give up.  Once he gives up on the much needed sex, he won’t make any attempt at emotional connection.  He’ll feel the same rejection from lack of sex that she feels from lack of connection.   Both create distance and disconnect.  Sex and emotional connection…one isn’t more important than the other, as they balance each other out.  So, why IS she rejecting him over and over again?  Why is she so disinterested in sex?  Not because she isn’t into him…probably not because she wants to catch up on her sleep…and certainly not because of a headache, which can actually be relieved with sex.

While there are plenty of reasons why women may not be interested in sex…ranging anywhere from complete exhaustion to an emotional disconnect to sexual dysfunction…there’s one reason she’ll never admit to…one reason she may not have even recognized herself.  And even if she is aware of it, he’s the absolute last person she’ll confide in with such personal information…for he’s the one person that can never know…because it’s his image of her that she strives so fervently to maintain in a positive light.  This reason:  insecurity.  Simply put, she feels fat, undesirable, and overcome by flaws.  But if she tells him that, she fears that she’s opening his eyes to things he doesn’t already see.  And if he does already see them, she doesn’t need, nor desire, the scrutiny.  So, it’s best to keep sexual intercourse to a minimal…and keep the room dark when she does oblige.  After all, in the dark, she can be anyone he wants her to be, right?  She doesn’t have to worry about how her butt looks from behind -  how, and where, her fat jiggles ever so flatteringly – how her tummy looks from “that” angle – or how her imperfect curves resemble that of a jelly jar, rather than an hour glass.  No… in the dark, she can become the sexy vixen she knows she’s not, the one she knows he desires.  She can escape the judgment…the ridicule that consumes her brain…the disgust she’s sure consumes his.  Dark is good…or, better yet, maybe she should just avoid it all together.  Less sex means less judgment.

Women are their own worst nightmare when it comes to body image.  She’ll nitpick every imperfection, obsess over it, and even create one where none exists.  She does this because the media has convinced her that she’s not desirable.  Airbrushed magazine covers, starved skeletal models, celebrities who’ve allowed themselves to become their plastic surgeon’s patchwork quilt…all of these somehow dictate to women, and men, their concept of “beautiful.”  Because of these false images and the impossible goals they set for women, insecurity is the devil on her shoulder pointing out every imperfection as she inspects her body in the mirror…the body she’s convinced he couldn’t possibly be attracted to.  If her body image is severe enough, something else begins to happen…her self-imposed fears will get confirmed.  Even if she’s not that into it, he still wants sex.  He always will, even if her insecurities are giving HIM a complex.  But because she’s not that into it, the foreplay and pleasure will give way to a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”   So, her fears are confirmed.  Now she’s convinced she was right all along…he’s disgusted by her.  That little devil on her shoulder steps in once again… “He’s disgusted by you…he can’t wait to get it over with…he’s just using you to get off.”  Now the insecurity has taken on a life all it’s own.  Not only does she hate her body, try to hide it, and avoid sex, if possible…now she’s convinced that he’s using her too.  The foundation was already laid for the emotional wall dividing them…an overnight crew has just completely cemented it up.

She may feel shy, or ashamed, of her body because her post-baby body refuses to bounce back.  She may have just put on a little extra weight over the years.  She may be feeling older and less attractive.  Whatever the reason, her self perception is the one controlling the red light.  Until she feels sexier, the light will remain bright red.  Men…when she feels sexy, you’ll know it.  She won’t be able to get enough of you.  Her confidence in her body, or lack of it,  is powering her sex drive.  When her confidence is low, exercise is a great way to release endorphins, get her feeling more fit, and give her the energy to steer her sex drive out of the bushes and back out onto the main highway.  Headlights glaring in your face.    However, one sure fire way to keep it stuck in the bushes is by criticizing her…whether you’re criticizing her body, or her desire.  Being critical, or pointing fingers at her for your lack of sex, will only fuel her insecurities.  And neither you, nor your dwindling sex life, want that.

So guys, getting rejected occasionally is likely just due to exhaustion or distraction.  But if rejection is a regular occurrence, it’s unlikely you’re the reason.   So stop being “hard” on yourself .    She IS into you.  She may just be terrified that if you see what she sees, you won’t be into her.  It’s easier on her ego if she remains in power and rejects you before you reject her.

When she does give the occasional green light, take your time, pleasure her, convey to her that she makes you crazy hot…but never judge.  That encouragement, along with exercise to boost her self esteem, may put that red light on the fritz.  Underneath that shy, seemingly uninterested woman, lies a sex-starved, can’t-get-enough sex kitten who’s just been freed from HERSELF.  Be careful what you ask for.  You may be the one begging for the red light.  Nah, probably not. 

Chick Hughes

“My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.” Les Dawson

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