ChickHughes

Posts Tagged ‘sex’

clshearin

Nice guys finish last…according to nice guys, that is.  It’s hard to argue hay semantics when it’s coming straight from the horse’s mouth.  But that doesn’t stop us from trying.  We women will go out of our way, climb to the top of the tallest building, and shamelessly yell our love for nice dependable guys from the rooftops.  But, all the while, we’ll keep one roaming eye on the alley below for any sign of the taboo bad boy sexpot.  Much like men, we may control our words, but our lusty loins will betray those words and wave our rebel flag.  Despite our persistent delusional denial, men, naughty AND nice, are painfully aware that our words and our actions rarely sync up.  We hate admitting that we do, in fact, find the proverbial “bad boy” alluring.  But, hey…when it comes to OUR good, bad, and ugly sides…we like to air our good,  conceal our bad, and deflect our ugly.  So, we’ll keep up the charade and continue begging our chosen bad boy to play nice, while stringing our “nice guy” puppet  along at arm’s length.  Poor guys…they complain, “I don’t understand women.  I have no idea what they want.”  Well don’t worry…neither do we!   Our minds tell us we want a nice guy, but our bodies are carrying picket signs in retaliation.  So the question remains:  Do nice guys get the shaft while naughty guys get the girl?  Guys say yes.  Girls say no.  We claim to want a nice guy, but given the choice, we’re dropping our panties for his polar opposite.

So, which is it?  Do nice guys finish first…or “come” last?

Studies show that bad boys do, indeed, get more girls and have a larger number of sexual partners.  As if we didn’t know.  Psychologists say the bad boy is a confident extrovert with high self-esteem, a narcissist displaying impulsive behavior, a sexually open risk-taker with little or no regard for those around him.  All traits that have, through time, been evolutionarily successful.  Seeing a person one wishes to meet and hook up with is titillating.  But the confidence, courage, and indifference to make it happen are handy traits to possess when trying to keep the genes moving, no?  Now why would we want to pass down “those genes” to our children?  And, why do we find the men who possess them irresistible?  This question stumps not only the average Joe, but the experts as well.  Scientists say that, logically, women would come to link altruism to sexual selection.  “If he’s good, honorable, and trustworthy, he’ll make an excellent provider and parent AND pass the altruistic genes down to our children.”  But they’re dumbfounded because women have somehow detoured from that very logical destination and taken a temporary off-ramp to Bad Boy Bangtown.  Hmmm, why is that?  I’m sorry…did they say “logically?”  Wait!  Is it “logical” to assume women would be logical?  Women aren’t logical beings.

Seriously…is this news?   When do women EVER operate on logic?  Women operate on emotion…and emotion is a fickle, fickle companion EVER manipulated by hormones!  Even the average Joe has this figured out, but the scientists are still scratching their heads.  Scratch this…women defy logic.  We’re illogically complicated…but well worth the itch. 

Researchers agree: one male trait, in particular, is directly correlated to number of sexual partners…agreeableness.  The more agreeable he is, the less sexual partners he’s had.  The less agreeable, the more sexual partners.  And, of course, this trait goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned self-centered traits.  But with those socially perceived negative traits come others:  confidence, mystery, spontaneity, creativity, independence, excitement, and dominance.  Women are biologically attracted to high levels of testosterone.  A bad boy is likely to possess much higher levels of testosterone.  A high level of testosterone creates a confident go-getter male and communicates one thing to women:  a dominant power house.  Male dominance makes women weak in the knees and anxious to open them.  This is evident even in animals.  Males in every animal species struggle to assert dominance.  Why?  To get the goods, of course.  The goods…the girl…the booty.  It’s the circle of life.  And the more dominant the male, the more bootylicious the goods.

Then again, maybe the secret to her bad boy love affair is dopamine…the feel good hormone commonly referred to as the pleasure chemical.  It makes us feel sinfully good…even high, much like cocaine or amphetamines.  Our bodies release this “happy” drug into our bloodstream when we feel danger or risk.  And the bad boy poses many risks, does he not?  Deviation from social norms, danger, taboo, sexual freedom…you know…all the things our mothers warned us about…the same things we secretly daydream about.  This is why romance novels are successful.  It’s rarely Mr. Nice guy she’s desperately in love with.  Where’s the challenge in that?  That “bad boy” allows us to explore our inner frisky, R-rated, “bad girl.”  The risque behavior releases dopamine.  The dopamine makes us feel alive and vivacious.  Therein lies the allure.  But that’s not all.  Scientists speculate the bad boy’s hard package may not be the only thing rubbing off on us.  They hypothesize that his confidence may do some rubbing of its own, leaving US feeling more powerful and sexy.

That naughty guy leaves us feeling high, sexy, powerful, AND protected…is it any wonder we can’t get enough?

We like nice guys too.  However, there’s a difference between nice guys and lapdog guys.  Lapdog guys are overly nice.  In the words of Chelsea Handler, “What…a turn off!”  The neediness.  The dependence.  The kissing our metaphorical ass.  “I don’t care…what do you want to do?  I want what you want.  Making you happy makes me happy.”  After we’re done gagging on the crap we’ve just be fed, we become skeptical of his “consideration” and wonder if he’s just a no self-esteem wuss shifting responsibility onto us.  Confidence is sexy in men AND women.  Man up…but don’t be inconsiderate.  “If you don’t mind, I’ve been wanting to try this new restaurant.”  OR “I’d love to stay in and screw you all night.  Is that alright?” 

All kidding aside…women want both.  We’re initially attracted to a bit of a bad boy persona…the confident, independent, sexually open power player.  But in moderation, please.  Approach us like a cocky Simon Cowell condescendingly highlighting our flaws, with your nose in the air, your stash of cash leaping from your wallet, and your pants around your ankles…we’ll likely label you an asshole, thank you for the tour of “Uranus” and vow never to return.   An edgy bad boy (in moderation) will attract us at first, but it’s the nice (not overly nice) guy who’ll keep us around.  We want dominance with a touch of sensitivity.  Hard on the outside, but soft and juicy on the inside.

I can hear the frustrated groans of men everywhere.  Women want us to be a “nice bad boy?”  How the hell do we pull that off?  Balance.  After all, men want the same from us.  The perfect wife must balance being the conservative loving caretaker by day…the sultry sexy whore by night.  Not easy, but it can be done.  And when it is, it’s pure perfection.

So guys…we want it all.  We want the naughty AND the nice.  In that order. 

Nimble and naughty wins the race…but slow and sweet secures his place.

Chick Hughes

“Last guys don’t finish nice.” Saul Alinsky

Dmitry

Best time of day for sex?  Hmmm, most male responses are quick, simple, and  to the “point.”  All woodies stand united… “Anytime!”  Female responses, however, are less united, more complicated, and chock-full of “if” or “when” clauses.  “If the kids are in bed.”  “When the chores are done.”  “If I don’t feel fat.”  “When you’ve had a bath.”  A man could be diligently working against a fast approaching deadline with 3 kids hanging from his arms and neck displaying a mix of maniacal laughter and antagonistic screaming, a ripe diaper clogging his airway, and angry emails streaming in from his boss.  But flash a boob and whisper “take me” in his ear, and POOF…it all fades away.  Forget the boss, the emails, the dirty diaper, the kids, the screaming.  He’s ready to put boner to groaner.    Lay all of those distractions on a woman, and sex won’t even get “standing room only” in her over-crowded brain.  Why?  Men can compartmentalize, lock away all problems, and focus only on sex.  His mentality:  “Everything else can wait on sex.”  A woman’s brain is not equipped to compartmentalize.  So, she’s forced to focus on all pending problems at once.  Her mentality… “Sex can wait on everything else.”   When trying to get on the same page sexually…kids, work, bills, and household chores can rip up not just that page, but the whole book.  Forget the nookie.  So, how do we reclaim our nookie and get our sexual urges in sync?

A couple can be generally in sync in terms of sexual urges, only having spurts of time when that synchronization is put to the test due to daily stressors.  However, a couple can also be out of sync on a larger, more encompassing, scale…with the daily stressors becoming deal breakers.  This larger scale of sexual discord was discovered a century ago, when two western scientists (Swoboda and Fliess) separately recorded that, like the cosmos, our bodies have cyclic waves that measure energy patterns and dynamics in our relationships…these waves are called biorhythms.  According to this theory, we have 3 different biorhythms:  physical (which regulates sexual urge/activity, strength, speed, coordination, and endurance) having an approximate 23 day cycle, emotional (which regulates mood) having an approximate 28 day cycle, and intellectual (which regulates thinking, wit, and problem solving) having an approximate 33 day cycle.  These biorhythms are based on our birthdays and determine how compatible (sexually, emotionally, and intellectually) we are with members of the opposite sex.  As one would guess, the physical cycle is dominant in men…the emotional cycle in women.  This research concluded that the more compatible a couple’s biorhythms, the more dynamic their relationship.  And the more compatible that couple’s physical biorhythms, the more in sync their sexual urges.  While some scientists have dismissed this theory, others are still studying them and their effects on our relationships.  Whatever the reason for some scientists’ dismissal, women have monthly proof that our bodies operate on some cyclic…or psychotic…wave.

Aside from the cosmic wave theory, men and women have hormone surges at different times of the day.  And those hormones are affected by random variables, which can lead to an orgasmic light show…or a dark, sexless power outage.  Go toward the light!

When are men most “up” for sex?

Men will tell you “anytime…all the time.”  No conditions.  But his testosterone levels are highest first thing in the morning, typically — but not restrictive to — the hours between 6 and 9 a.m.  We’ve all awaken to his “morning glory.”  With a raging hard-on, he’s definitely in the mood to put it to some use.  Can we blame him?  After all, it IS a great way to start the day.  After mid-morning, his inflated testosterone begins to lose it’s air.  But come lunch, he’s ready yet again.  Time for a nooner! By early evening, he’s open for business and offering sales.  “Two orgasms for the price of one.”   “Get ‘em while you can!”  But according to the research, by 10 p.m., he’s fighting the sandman.  And his testosterone level needs recharging for the upcoming morning salute.  So, it seems men are up for sex most of the time.

When about women?

Women are more complicated.  While men can get it on anytime and use sex as a way to de-stress, a woman’s body often requires an emotional or intellectual connection to get in the mood, and  needs to de-stress before sex.  But once her body and mind catch up to one another, she’ll be OH so ready.  Though waking up to his Erection Perfection is deliciously enticing, things like — “80′s hair gone bad” bed-head — deadly “sew your mouth shut” dragon breath — and a “touch me, I pee” bursting bladder — will kill any mood she can muster first thing in the morning.  She prefers to prepare for the event, clean up, and feel sexy…she also prefers he do the same.  According to the research, her endorphin levels are optimal between the hours of 8 and 10 a.m.  After 10, she has a dip in hormonal surge.  But,  just after noon, she’s frisky again.  After that, she’s likely done until early evening.  Once she gets her “to do” list out of the way and kids in bed, she’s in the mood for a little shopping.  And, of course, she loves a good sale… “two orgasms for the price of one…SOLD.”  With her chores out of the way, she can focus on sex.  Typically, women prefer night sex.  Why?  A.  She has less distractions clouding her mind at night.  AND   B.  Candlelight is much more figure-friendly than harsh daylight.  She’ll feel sexier and less insecure.  But don’t dawdle!  By 10 p.m., he’s not the only one winding down.  Exhaustion sets in for her as well.

According to the experts, men AND women are in sexual sync (hormonally speaking) around 9 a.m., 1 p.m.,  and again around 8 p.m.  During these times, the window is completely open and large enough for both to “come” through.  Any other time of day, and the window may be only half open.  So, take advantage while you can!

Of course, this is a guide.  Men and women will vary on when they’re in the “mood to be screwed.”  Lots of things come into play.  Kids, for example.  Anyone who has small children will tell you to grab sex when you can…whether it’s a planned rendezvous once they’re in the bed, or jumping in the closet for a quickie in between cartoons and potty breaks.  Keeping the passion alive is key to a good sex life.  That requires flexibility, innovation, and patience.

Be flexible…be open to different positions or experiments.  Make sure your partner knows you’re open to suggestions.  Nothing excites a man more than knowing she’s open and won’t shame him over secret desires.  The same routine gets boring after a while.  Changing the ingredients will spice it up and increase dopamine in the bloodstream, which will increase passion.

Be innovative…the bed isn’t the only place for sex, and just before bed isn’t the only time for sex.  Relocate and initiate!  Lock yourself in the bathroom for a quickie in the middle of the day.  The kids won’t kill each other in 10 minutes time.  Sneaking away for a few minutes, having fun, and getting freaky when we shouldn’t bonds us as a couple.  Sex has to be hot AND fun.

Be patient…if she isn’t in the mood at the moment, give it time, and pamper her.  A little naked massage or couch cuddling can go a long way.  It gives her time to reconnect mentally.  Once she does, she’ll reconnect sexually.

Getting in sexual sync can prove difficult.  But good sex — after kids and many years of marriage — doesn’t come easy….though many of us think it should.  It’s work.  It requires connection…that connection requires effort.  And great sex is definitely worth the effort.    So, work it!

Morning, noon, or night?  Doesn’t matter.  Just do it!

Right?

If interested, you can test your physical biorhythm compatibility here…  http://www.oliveyou.net/biorhythm.jsp

Chick Hughes

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” ~ Billy Crystal

creationc

Girlfriends?  Boyfriends?  Or just friends?  Can men and women be friends without benefits?  We seem to think so.  However, I’m skeptical…for this is a question that, in all marriages, may just come “up” more often than he does.  Can my sweetie be “just friends” with a person of the opposite sex?  Well…maybe…if that person has a third eye, ear, or boob…and the extra boob disclaimer is iffy…that could backfire.  We first need to define “friend.”  A friend isn’t one of the hundreds of faces and statuses we see daily on social networks.  It isn’t a co-worker we see only at the office and speak to in passing, or even chat with in spurts.  And it isn’t the doorman, delivery man, or handyman we see and touch base with a few times a week.  Discussing mundane details regarding the sweltering weather or the day-to-day details of our riveting existence does not a friend make.  These are acquaintances, at best.  Then there are the friends we grew up with and still consider great friends, but only speak to occasionally and see even less.  With very little time to nourish the relationship…of course, we can manage these “friendships.”  And sometimes, not.    The “friend” I’m referring to — the one that blurs the line — is the one with whom we share our deepest secrets and feelings, hang out with regularly, grab a bite or a movie with,  or call when we’re upset or excited…the one we look to for emotional support. Our shoulder to cry on.  Our ear to rely on.

For THIS is the male/female “friendship” standing trial.  The charges:  providing a pick-me-up, tripping us up, and ending in breakup.

We’re so sure we, ourselves, can successfully have platonic friends…yet not so sure about our spouses.  If our partner does develop a close friendship with someone other than us, we can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy…wonder why he/she needs that friend (aren’t we enough?)…obsess over just how “friendly” they are, or will be.  Before long, our imagination has eaten away at our brain and sanity like a nosy live-in mother-in-law on steroids.

However, psychologists now say a successful cross-sex friendship is not only possible, but beneficial.  Possible out of necessity…the idea that men and women couldn’t be friends, they say, came into play before women entered the workplace and had no reason, aside from romantic, to hang out with men other than their husbands.  They say men and women have been forced to successfully manage friendships due to working conditions.  Forced to…yes.  Successful at…questionable.  (So, according to this theory…if we force a sexual tension, the tension will dissolve?  I think workplace affairs have “blown that willy” out of the water.)

Experts say a cross-sex friendship is also beneficial to both men and women.  Men find they’re able to confide in and open up to a female friend in a way they simply can’t do with another guy.  This freedom to confide gives men a “shoulder” and benefits them emotionally.  Women, on the other hand, find they can be more laid back with a guy friend…walk on the lighter side a bit.  She’s able to temporarily escape the drama that lurks among women like the grim reaper…eager to take our souls over just one wrong word at just the wrong time.  Breaking news:  Women are sensitive and easily offended.  These benefits, though, are undeniably evident.  It’s also reported that in order for us to manage this successful cross-sex friendship, certain precautions must be made.  We must be up front, open, and honest about our friendship.  Address a possible sexual attraction.  Agree on how to handle that attraction.  Negotiate what the relationship means…define it.  And establish boundaries.  If we define and manage it, psychologists say, a platonic friendship is very much possible.  Men and women can, in fact, be friends.

The defense rests.

How very optimistic of them.  Life always goes according to plan, doesn’t it? 

And now…the prosecution.  The psychologists have determined one thing…yet, proven another through studies, interviews, questionnaires, etc.   One study consisted of 150 professional men/women.  Sixty-two percent of them reported sexual tension present in their cross-sex friendships.  Men claimed that sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship in the first place.  Hmmm, really?  A separate study questioned 1,450 members of Match.com.  The answers were oh so contradictory and proved us to be optimistically hypocritical.

~ 83% believed men and women could be platonic friends.

~62% say they’ve been engaged in a platonic friendship that has crossed the line.

~94% say it’s possible to fall in love with someone who starts out as a friend.

~71% hope that once they find a romantic partner, that partner would have been a friend first.

So, the majority asked declared with certainty that men and women could be friends without sex ever entering the equation; however, this same majority admitted to crossing the line, falling in love with a friend, and hoping to marry a friend.  Get a calculator!  This doesn’t quite add up.  Wishful thinking, perhaps?

Cosmo has done its own informal questionnaire.  Findings confirm that most men wouldn’t mind if a platonic friendship moved to the next level.  It also found women truly believe they can be friends with the opposite sex…believe being the operative word.  Eighty percent of the women interviewed underestimate just how often their male friends are attracted to them.  I’ll now refer back to the previous result in which men declared a sexual attraction to be the main motivator for initiating a friendship.  It seems we attempt to be intellectually driven, but remain a slave to our loins.  Our minds may be evolved, but our animal drive to mate refuses to make the transition.  Damn sex drive!

Psychologists also say that males and females participate in “voluntary gender segregation.”  This refers to our tendency to group up with members of the same sex.  “NO GIRLS ALLOWED!”  Sound familiar?  From the time we’re tots, we gravitate towards same sex groups.  We tend to stay in these groups until we reach puberty, lest we catch “cooties.”  Our main motivator for leaving and seeking out members of the opposite sex is our looming sex drive.  Once we settle on a mate and marry, we once again find ourselves gravitating towards members of the same sex for recreational fun.  And achieving and maintaining a “friend” of the opposite sex becomes more difficult…why?  Jealousy!  We know what that “friend” is thinking, don’t we?  Because that’s what we’d be thinking…though we’d never admit it.

So, can men and women be friends?  We seem pretty enthusiastic, in theory, that we’re perfectly capable of separating romance and friendship.   But, as the studies indicate, that very thin line can blur quicker than the vision of a drunk on a tilt-a-whirl.  When it comes to applying the theory and taking one of two routes, the libido seems to be the path of least resistance.  Plenty of short-cuts and few stop lights.

When put on the stand and asked the infamous question, “Can men and women be friends?”  we say “Yes, absolutely, men and women can be friends.  Sex won’t get in the way.”  But are we kidding ourselves?  Are we denying our own animal instincts?  Convincing ourselves we’re better than that.  Are we better than that?  When it comes to the case of male/female friendships…are we perjuring ourselves?

Can men and women be “just friends?”  It seems the jury is still out.  I think not.  But you decide.

Chick Hughes

“Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable” Oscar Wilde

tnimalan

Red, yellow, green, or blue…which color would you do?    Different colors signify different things to us…green means go, yellow means slow, red means stop, red and blue mean COP.  These are color indicators we’re overtly aware of, which is why they’re abundantly used throughout society.  But there are some color indicators we’re unaware of…colors that influence our attitudes, feelings, and sexual desires…colors that make us happy, sad, sappy, mad..and, yes, horny.  Psychologists have long studied the effects of color on our thoughts and feelings, but they’ve just recently nailed a color that, ironically, we also want to “nail.”  What color?  Red, rouge, and rojo.  It seems red is subconsciously our sexual primary color of choice…and while we may like many other colors on a mate, it’s actually red that gets us “a-head.”

Two psychologists at the University of Rochester completed the first documented study on this topic when they conducted several experiments to learn which color we find most sexually attractive on a mate.  They gave men and women pictures of the opposite sex to rate in terms of attractiveness, sexual desire, likability, intelligence, and kindness…with each individual’s picture appearing many times either framed in different colors or dressed in different colored clothing.  What they found was that red was the sexual color of choice for both men AND women.  Given the same candidate dressed, or framed, in red vs. another color, most subjects reported being more sexually attracted to the one in red.  Not only were they asked to rate the attractiveness of the candidates, but men were also asked to imagine a hypothetical date with the candidates in red vs. the candidates in alternate colors.  The men were then asked, “If you had $100 in your wallet for a date with this person, how much would you spend?”  The lucky ladies in red were hypothetically treated to a more expensive date…fancier restaurants, flowers, etc.  Hmmm, men willing to spend more money on women they find hotter and more sexually promising?  What a novelty!  Of course, the head leading that date isn’t concerned with money…finances is not the “job” it signed up for. 

These findings were consistent across all cultures and countries…yes, we have a universal unprejudiced love affair with the sexual high of “scarlet fever.”  While the color red greatly affected attractiveness and sexual desirability, it made no difference when the subjects were rating perceived intelligence, likability, or kindness.  However, when it comes to sex, red seems to bring out the devil in us.  And psychologists say men and women are completely unaware of our crimson weakness…that it’s a subconscious reaction to our biology.  But we seem to be aware of it on some level.  We obviously associate red with carnal passion…from red lipstick to accentuate our sultry puckers…to innocent, but alluring, red hearts and lingerie on Valentine’s Day…to the not-so-innocent Red Light District’s infamous crimson glow luring adults to sex as shamelessly as the ice cream truck lures pig-tailed cuties and smudged-faced cooties with its  mind-numbing tunes and over-priced drumsticks.  So, it seems a safe assumption that we have some mental cognizance of our sexy red addiction…however conscious it may be.

Scientists hypothesize that men and women prefer the color red for entirely separate, but like reasons.

Why are men hot for red?

It’s thought that a man’s obsession with red can be traced back to his evolutionary roots.  When nearing ovulation, female primates, such as baboons and chimpanzees, swell and redden around the genitals.  Past research has proven that male primates are most attracted to the females displaying the brightest, reddest derrieres…for she proves to be the “hostess with the mostest.” Perhaps a preference for red is simply his primitive horny self rearing it’s not-so-ugly “head.”  They say men are animals…who knew we’d get proof?

Why are women?

Scientists believe women also prefer red for evolutionary reasons.  But while men are searching out the most opportune sexual escapade, women are scouting out the most powerful alpha male to lead her pack.  Some male primates, such as mandrills, bear red status symbols upon their chests, which assert their rank and dominance among other male primates.  The brighter shade of red, the more powerful the primate.  This seems to be an evolutionary eye candy that stuck.  In ancient cultures around the globe, the color red has been ever used to convey prosperity and power.  Even today, we roll out the red carpet for celebrities or prestigious power houses.  It seems red always has been, and always be, a dominance indicator.   While women like to mockingly refer to men as animals,  her animal within still flashes her backside for the richest, reddest chest-beater on two legs.

Whether we’re aware of it or not, red gets us hot.  It seems red translates sexual readiness for women…and powerful dominance for men.  Better said, women seek red for leader of the pack…men seek it for a night in the sack.

In the animal kingdom red says “Go…Now!”  However, regardless of our biological cues, we’ve managed to redefine red.  In our society, red conveys “stop” and “danger.”  Red stop signs, red lights, etc.  So, I can’t help but wonder…are we actually unaware of our sexual red fetish?  Or are we aware, but just that repressed?  Anything too sexual in our culture, we refuse to address…and instead, repress.  Have we subconsciously taken the green light out of our red sexual intersection?

Maybe it’s time we release our inner animal, embrace our blushing cheeks, and take red…to bed. 

Chick Hughes

“When in doubt wear red.” ~ Bill Blass quotes

juliaf

Liar, liar, Oscar Mayer!  Faking things…some things…any things…seems to come naturally to us, doesn’t it?  When we’re young, we fake mom’s signature on a less than stellar grade…as teenagers, we fake our generous knowledge of sex to appease the Cool Gods…and later, we fake IDs to gain access into clubs or to get our hands on alcohol…all in attempts to complete the cool facade.  As we age, we become impressively more skilled at faking it…we fake headaches to get out of sex, we fake illnesses to get out of work, we fake plans to avoid “friends” we’d rather avoid, we fake finances and careers for social adoration, we fake tans, nails, hair color, eye color, cup size, and penis size.  The list goes on and on…orgasms seem a logical place holder on that list…after all, if we’re willing to fake so much, why not fill in the missing “O’s” from time to time?  But, why do we fake orgasms?  And, more importantly, should we?

Women have long been perceived as the dominant orgasm fabricators.  Why?  Because, without much physical evidence, women can easily get away with it.  Let’s say…after a long, sweaty romp, she realizes that no matter how determined he is to make the fat lady sing, the curtain is just not coming up.  So, she decides to hurry things along, force the curtain, and get on with show.  She waits for the right moment…delights him with a few proverbial on-the-edge indicators: “oooh” and “mmmm…yes right there!”… sucks in her breath and does her best fat lady imitation…huffing and puffing, squirming and confirming, shaking…and faking…she can be quite the actress, and he’s none the wiser.  Next up on stage…him!  Once his standing ovation has retreated, the show is over…time for refreshments.  According to research, an average of 75% of interviewed women admit to faking it occasionally.  That’s the majority.  So, odds are, either you’ve played the joker…or the fool… at one time or another.  Either way, the question looms:  Why fake an orgasm?

Why do women fake orgasms?

1. It’s just not happening. She recognizes the fact that her present climactic potential has no…well…potential…regardless of his tireless effort.  She also knows that sex will continue until she climaxes.  So, rather than the drag-out, she opts for the quicker, less-mess fake-out.

2. She wants to get it over with. Maybe she’s just not that into sex that night, not that into him, or not that into either.  He may be doing it all wrong, and she’s not forward enough to show him what she needs.  Maybe she’s exhausted from a long day, has a lot on her mind, and is finding it difficult to de-stress.  A mind racing with “things to do” is as big a mood zapper as the dreaded tiny tickler.  If she can’t focus on the ABC’s of sex, it’s unlikely she’ll make it to “O.”

3. She wants to avoid hurting his feelings. She’s well aware that his ego is cozily nestled in his ability to send her soaring.  So, if she knows she’s grounded temporarily, she may fake it simply to protect his ego.  After all, she’ll need that ego in tip-top shape for her next romp.

Of course, women aren’t the only fakers on this side of the orgasmic showdown.  Men are just beginning to open up about their not-so-honest  “shoot-outs.”  Studies show that on average, 30% of interviewed men admit to faking orgasms at least once.  And those are just the ones willing to admit it.  My guess…more closet fakers lurk about.  Women complain, as they should, that the media and the porn industry create this illusory voluptuous vixen as a goal for us and project that image onto men…leaving us twisted into a pretzel in an attempt to achieve the perfect balance of curves and flavor.  But men aren’t trailing too far behind us.  They’re now facing the same pressures…expected to possess rock hard bodies, become erect at a moment’s notice, and screw anything in female form with the longevity of the energizer bunny.  But the reality is…men can’t achieve the air-brushed ever-horny myth anymore than women can.  Men may be just as selective with a mate as women.  And, while they’d like to, they can’t keep going and going and going.  Yet, they feel the pressure to perform with such stamina.  Result:  an occasional fake-out.  Screw the energizer bunny.

Why do men fake orgasms?

1. He’s just not that into her or the sex.  She may simply not do it for him.  He may have fantasies or desires that she’s unwilling to fill.  Too much inhibition will eventually bore the horniest of men.  Or she may be a selfish lover…allowing him to do all the work.  By the time he’s done with her, he’s lost his gusto.  So, if he feels he’s losing his erection and going down anyway, he may decide to go down in a blaze of glory, give her a few good thrusts, and then fake the rest.  It would seem men would be hard-pressed to fake it, but that’s not always the case.  Lack of evidence can be tossed away with a condom, talked away, or just not noticed in her throes of passion.  Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  And, apparently, men and women are equally cunning…when they’re not cumming. 

2. He’s over stressed and exhausted.  Stress and exhaustion can deter a man’s sex drive too.  If he’s overly preoccupied with work or has a lot on his mind, sex may not be at the top of his list.  But he doesn’t want to disappoint her.  If she’s in the mood, he’ll give it a go, whether he’s tired…or wired.  He may begin the race, but not quite make it to the finish line.  Faking the finale is gentler on his ego than admitting he can’t keep up the race.

3. He has performance anxiety. Stage fright.  Insecurity can deflate an erection like nothing else.  If he’s feeling unsure of himself, but is still expected to perform, he may not be able to orgasm.

Whatever the reason, whoever the faker, faking orgasms isn’t healthy for our sex lives.  The fake “O” only succeeds in leaving one person fooled and the other unsatisfied.  So, who really wins there?  Not the fool…and certainly not the joker.  The occasional fake-out isn’t a big deal and may be psychologically beneficial to both parties.  However, faking it on a regular basis is harmful both to our sex lives…and to our relationships.  By faking it, we’re being deceitful…lying to our partner.  No one wants to be deceived in that way.  We want to know we’re pleasing our partner…otherwise, what’s the point?  And by lying about what rocks our world and sends us into orgasmic convulsions, we’re robbing ourselves of a great sex life.  We have to tell, and show, our partner what we want.  If our partner thinks he’s successful at bringing us to climax, he’ll continue with the same O-less methods…and continually fail to satisfy…leading us on a path of resentment and thoughts of going elsewhere for satisfaction.

Odds are coming clean with our spouse about the fake orgasms will open doors to communication…as long as it isn’t done in a critical manner.  “You never ____!”  “You do it wrong!”  “You just can’t make me orgasm.”…all close doors, shatter egos, and cancel any future trips to “O” town.  However, statements such as, “I really like it when you____.”  “Can I show you something that makes me crazy?”  “I need more foreplay.  I’ll trade you more ____ for more foreplay.”…all open doors, preserve egos, and confirm many future trips to “O” town…first class.

Exposure is catching…exposing ourselves sexually will lend itself to exposing ourselves emotionally with our partners.  If we’ll openly discuss and execute ways to please one another in the bedroom, we’re more likely to follow suit in every other room of the house.  However, resentment brought on by bedroom dismay may eventually burn the whole house down.  Be open, be honest, be uninhibited.

And when doing the sexual limbo,  don’t stoop too low…you may just fall and miss the real “O.” 

Chick Hughes

“It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.” ~ Meg Ryan ~ When Harry Met Sally

“I’ll have what she’s having.” (link to Sally’s infamous fake-out)

De Lima

Throughout adolescence … when we just wanted to be noticed by our heartthrob obsession — throughout college… when we wanted that heartthrob to notice…AND nail us — we tended to mentally pair heartthrob with jock.  The jocks seemed to have it all, didn’t they?  Though they peaked in high school or college and were popular for only a few years, it seemed they would rule in the game of love for all eternity.  They strutted and boasted their “leader of the pack” badge proudly.  Adored by girls and envied by guys.  High school girls seductively swooned and college girls boldly went commando, all in efforts of landing the hot, brainless jock.  I guess every jock had his day.  But as we age, the jock may find his days are numbered.  Most adult women — I say most because some women never mentally left their dorm rooms behind — but most come to value brains over balls.  Why?  We finally realize there IS life after school.  We’re on a crash course with reality and quickly deduce that a jock is a great popularity ticket, but lousy life mate.  So,we’re on the hunt for a provider…a man who will be successful, make good money, and provide for that family we so long for.  After all, that IS the next step in our female existence, isn’t it?  Only thing is…those geeks we’ve avoided and ostracized all through school are the physical embodiment of both brains AND balls.  And we’ve given them the shaft.  But ironically, now we want their shaft! 

Geeks rejoice!  We now have scientific proof that jocks don’t have it all.  Scientists have found that more intelligent men have better sperm quality.  One particular study dating back to 1985 was recently reexamined, and scientists uncovered a connection between intelligence and sperm quality.  In this study, over 400 Vietnam War veterans (aged 31-44) were given a battery of intelligence tests — verbal and mathematical — and each had a sperm sample taken.  The men scoring above average on the intelligence testing were found to also have the best sperm…higher sperm count, higher concentration, and better mobility.  And the men scoring lower on the intelligence testing were found to have a lower sperm count, lower concentration, and weaker swimmers.

Some scientists claim that more intelligent men may have healthier sperm because they are likely to make more educated, better informed decisions in their lives, be more physically fit, and have white collar jobs with fewer health risks — all of which would, in turn, affect the health of their sperm.  However, this study was able to make adjustments for lifestyle factors such as smoking, drinking, drug use, abstinence, and obesity.  What they found was that lifestyle factors were irrelevant.  That an Einstein, whether a smoker, drinker, or obese pot head,  STILL had healthier sperm than a less intelligent man making healthier choices.   So, it looks like this claim has about as much potency as Joe Bob’s…or Uncle Rico’s… sperm.

Scientists are instead leaning towards genetics as an explanation for an intellect/sperm connection.  It is theorized that plain old good genes could be responsible for geek virility.  That intelligence AND sperm quality are traits influenced by the same gene.  They further theorize that intelligence has genetically evolved as a means of attracting a better mate.  The animal kingdom is constantly changing and evolving to keep the species thriving.  Male animals develop everything from the largest mane to the most alluring birdsong in competition for mates.  Basically, whatever “fluff” is needed to ensure successful mating, we’ll evolve, develop, and use that “fluff” as bait.

Could it be that intelligence is our modern day “fluff.”  We women no longer need our mates to protect us with brute strength.  Our present day caves are offices, suburban houses, and SUVs.  Survival in this world is achieved via intelligence.  And it seems intelligence and sperm spunk are biologically intertwined.  If intelligence level is a predictable indicator for sperm quality, we’re subconsciously attracted to it.  It’s our innate struggle to propagate.  So, if we seek out intelligence…and also score optimal sperm… we’re ensuring not only basic survival, but also excellent mating genes.  Check…and check!  If intelligence is a gene that has evolved to attract a mate, then perhaps the geeks are simply the most highly evolved males of our species…and the most virile.  Sad day for the jock…and his rhyming appendage.  ;0

It’s long been joked that men think with their little heads, rather than the ones atop their shoulders…but armed with this knowledge,  I wonder…maybe the joke is on us.  Maybe brains DO have balls. 

Long live the geek!

Chick Hughes

“Back in ’82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.” ~ Uncle Rico ~ Napoleon Dynamite

Eugilein

When it comes to sex, men seem to prefer beauty, boobs, and booty to brains.  Apparently, these are the qualification indicators for “high bangability.”  But, what boosts a man’s ego even more than “hitting” the hottest of the hot girls?  Her orgasmic talent…in a nutshell, if and how many times she climaxes.  Nothing makes a man feel more like a man than hearing her tantalizingly moan, groan, and make a “touchdown” in the end zone…over…and over…and over again.  But what he doesn’t know is that her ability to provide him that satisfaction is directly related to her emotions.  That rather than searching out that bodacious babe he has stamped in his mind who scores a 10 on bangability, he should be searching out an emotionally intelligent woman who will repeatedly validate his virility.  Of course, there’s always the chance he may find all of these qualities in ONE woman…if he can accomplish that, not only will he have every other heterosexual man’s green-eyed monster to contend with, but he’ll also have the “How to…” book market cornered. Men aren’t the only ones “standing at attention” at the mention of orgasm delight…women are even more interested in achieving the multi-orgasmic shudder-fest.  After all, it’s her world getting rocked.  He simply gets to enjoy the tremors.  So, what do our emotions have to do with our “bangability,”  and how do we convert it into “bangable bucks?”

Studies unanimously find that women with higher emotional intelligence (EQ) have better sex and more orgasms.   Yes ladies, intelligence pays…and it pays big…in the form of orgasmic currency.  EQ doesn’t refer to book smarts, ACT scores, or typical IQ scores.  So, your beautifully framed honor’s graduate degree from Harvard, your impeccable SAT scores, and your 4.0 average are all useful assets…on a resume…but of no use to you between the sheets.  Between the sheets, it’s your emotional intelligence that’s running the show, as well as the reruns.

What exactly is emotional intelligence?  It’s a woman’s ability to accurately identify, accept, and convey her feelings to others…as well as identifying the emotions of those around her.   A highly emotionally intelligent woman is very much in touch with her feelings.  She is able to identify and utilize her own emotions (as well as those around her) to correctly solve emotion-related problems.  She is able to successfully combine her feelings with her logic and make a sound decision based on both.  Because she is able to recognize and convey her feelings to her partner, she’s likely to tackle relationship problems head on, rather than brushing them under a rug, suppressing them, and hoping they’ll never again rear their ugly head…lest she’ll stomp them back into the emotionless, orgasm deprived crack in the floor…where they belong.  She’s able to scan the faces of those around her and assess their feelings and thoughts.  Because she easily perceives emotions in others’ faces, she’s more aware and empathetic to their feelings.  She is also more adept at telling her partner what she likes and doesn’t like in the bedroom.  Who knew being bossy in the bedroom translated into “O, O, O?”

Women most in touch with their feelings experienced twice as many orgasms as their more inhibited girlfriends.  Studies also found that emotional intelligence isn’t determined by nature or genetics, but by nurture .  When sets of twins were tested, in every case, one twin tested high on EQ, while the other tested average, or low.  The twin rating highest on the EQ tests experienced more frequent orgasms and reported higher sexual satisfaction…obviously.  Because it’s said to be determined by nurture, we’re not stuck with whatever emotional intelligence we presently have.  It’s possible we can work on our emotional intelligence by focusing more on our feelings and effectively communicating those feelings to him.  Did I just hear every man moan in anticipation?    We can work to enhance it, or we can suppress and ignore our feelings… along with our orgasmic potential.  So, it seems sensitivity pays for women…and indirectly, for men, as well.

Men love to hate women who are overly in touch with their feelings, as it usually implies that he will also be expected to “share” sooner or later.  His idea of getting all touchy feely is, as we all know, not equivalent to her idea of getting all touchy feely.  But apparently, both versions will head in the same direction, eventually.     While he may not want to participate in the emotional commentary, he’s certainly eager to take credit for his sex partner’s “triple-header.”  After all, he really knows how to please a woman.  The proof is panting right in his awed, gratified face.

If we women learn how to use our emotional intelligence to our advantage, enhance our orgasm frequency, and rock his world, we could possibly reconstruct the “bangability” scale.   Too bad multiple orgasms aren’t advertised as readily as beauty, boobs, and booty.  But, let’s say a man is surveying his frequented gym…not for the perfect weight bench, but in hopes of triangulating the most “bangable” hottie within a 50 foot radius.  He’s found two such girls…both similar in physique and beauty, both wearing tight t-shirts while working the treadmill.  One girl’s t-shirt sports the Old Navy logo.  The other bears the bold words “Multiple Orgasms” with an arrow pointing south.  Which girl will he choose?  hmmm.  I wonder.

We know that men are visually stimulated.  Now, if only we could advertise our emotional intelligence with the same enthusiasm as our physical attributes, the possibilities would be endless.  And we would undoubtedly convert our EQ into “bangable bucks.”   Spend them wisely…redeem one orgasm at a time.

“Feel” your way.

Chick Hughes

LittleMan

As if the big “O” wasn’t big enough, experts are now giving us yet another reason to “get it on.”  Sex as a painkiller?  “O” yeah!  So, our doctor may instruct us to “Take 2 orgasms, and DON’T call me in the morning.”  The insurance industry just wet itself!  Pain – whether headache, cramps, or pain- in- the- ass husband  – has long been a woman’s chosen escape route when it comes to not being in the mood. We’ve all been either on the giving or receiving end of the “Not tonight -  I have a headache” excuse.

Sometimes fabricated…sometimes not.

Either way, the excuse may now be null and void when he finds out sex is actually a pain remedy.  Who knew?  But seriously, who can think about an orgasm while grappling with excruciating pain?  Physical discomfort doesn’t exactly bring out the sexual volunteer in any of us.   Any time we’re in pain, we opt to swallow a few over-the -counter pills, rest, and wait for the pain to subside.  Or we choke down prescription pills and await that blissful state of unconsciousness. . .

Since leaving our caves, we, as humans, have become progressively sensitized to pain…in other words, we don’t exactly have a liberal pain threshold.  Damn civilization!   But maybe our methods of pain relief haven’t been the best ones.  Maybe, we’ve been going at it all wrong…maybe, instead, we should just be “going at it.”

All this time we thought pain was a reason to avoid sex, but instead the opposite is true.  The orgasm is now believed to relieve all physical pain (and sometimes emotional)…from the common headache to arthritis to premenstrual cramps.  In fact, some patients recovering from serious injuries -  and needing morphine for pain -  report that their otherwise steady pain becomes nonexistent during sex.

Is the “old” orgasm the “new” morphine?

During sex, our brains release endorphins, hormones, and oxytocin in response to physiological changes in the body .    The more foreplay that’s involved, the more oxytocin that’s released.  The more oxytocin released, the better sex feels…and the better the orgasm. When our eyes roll back in our head, and we do achieve orgasm, our bodies release an additional surge of oxytocin into the blood.  While this is true for both men and women, women seem to release more.  YES!  Lucky us.  This chemical is responsible for many things including the cuddling and bonding tendencies that follow sex.  But most pertinently, oxytocin, when released during orgasm, causes our bodies to completely relax and feel a sense of euphoria…result:

NO pain!

Any discomfort felt prior to sex is now replaced with the famed “afterglow.”  And all this time, we thought that “afterglow” was thanks to the mind-blowing, wake-your-neighbor sex.   Well, we’d love to take the credit anyway, I suppose…convince ourselves that we’re just “that” good.  We had no idea it was actually thanks to our brains…and that wonderfully magical love potion, oxytocin.  So, it seems that the most erotic sexual receptor IS the brain, rather than our “perfect” bodies we so diligently strive for.   Makes you wonder whether we should be more concerned with brain size…less concerned with cup size?

Pain medications are a multi-billion dollar industry.   We, as a society, are all too eager to pop a pill in the name of comfort.  We can’t even turn on the t.v. without being involuntarily solicited by the latest in pain relievers…whether it’s back pain, PMS relief, allergy relief, or emotional relief (thanks to the ever “on your side” legal profession).  We civilized people just don’t like to suffer.  So obviously, our intolerance for pain fans the flames of the medical market.    We hand over millions of our hard-earned money and place our desperate hopes in the greedy hands of chiropractors, herbal healers, acupuncturists…and so on and so on.  All the while, we’re oblivious to the fact that our physical pain could be alleviated for free without ever leaving our bedroom.  Now that’s customer service!

Could this be one of doctors’ best kept secrets?  After all, this newfound painkiller couldn’t possibly be a plus for the medical profession.  It could, however, redefine prostitution.

If sex is the ultimate painkiller, the pharmaceutical market may be the one feeling the “pain.”  Unless…scientists find a way to bottle the orgasm, or oxytocin…in which case, world domination would be theirs for the taking. 

So, next time you think you’re in too much pain to do the dirty, think again.  It’s possible an orgasm is just what the doctor ordered.  The only down side to this news is that the orgasm is short-lived.  So, the pain relief will be relatively temporary…  depending on how multi-orgasmically talented you are!  However temporary, it’s definitely a fun and intriguing way to relieve pain…not to mention, a good excuse for getting laid more often.  Pain never felt so good.

Happy painkilling!

Chick Hughes

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~ author unknown

13dede

The kids are asleep.  The house is quiet.  It’s been a while since the mattress springs have been properly challenged.  He’s feeling frisky.  All arrows point to go on the sex front…for him.  He makes a move to coerce her into the bedroom.  But instead of a warm, passionate kiss followed by a romp in the hay, he’s met with excuses.  “I’m exhausted.”  “I have a headache.”  “Not tonight.  I just want to get some sleep.”  He’s left feeling rejected, denied, and alone.  He may think… “She doesn’t want me.”  “Maybe I don’t do it for her anymore.”  Her rejection can plant insecurities in him.  But then again, he may just wonder where her libido has slithered away to.  It’s unlikely he’ll employ much further analysis.  He’ll just leave it at that, get tired of being rejected, and give up.  Once he gives up on the much needed sex, he won’t make any attempt at emotional connection.  He’ll feel the same rejection from lack of sex that she feels from lack of connection.   Both create distance and disconnect.  Sex and emotional connection…one isn’t more important than the other, as they balance each other out.  So, why IS she rejecting him over and over again?  Why is she so disinterested in sex?  Not because she isn’t into him…probably not because she wants to catch up on her sleep…and certainly not because of a headache, which can actually be relieved with sex.

While there are plenty of reasons why women may not be interested in sex…ranging anywhere from complete exhaustion to an emotional disconnect to sexual dysfunction…there’s one reason she’ll never admit to…one reason she may not have even recognized herself.  And even if she is aware of it, he’s the absolute last person she’ll confide in with such personal information…for he’s the one person that can never know…because it’s his image of her that she strives so fervently to maintain in a positive light.  This reason:  insecurity.  Simply put, she feels fat, undesirable, and overcome by flaws.  But if she tells him that, she fears that she’s opening his eyes to things he doesn’t already see.  And if he does already see them, she doesn’t need, nor desire, the scrutiny.  So, it’s best to keep sexual intercourse to a minimal…and keep the room dark when she does oblige.  After all, in the dark, she can be anyone he wants her to be, right?  She doesn’t have to worry about how her butt looks from behind -  how, and where, her fat jiggles ever so flatteringly – how her tummy looks from “that” angle – or how her imperfect curves resemble that of a jelly jar, rather than an hour glass.  No… in the dark, she can become the sexy vixen she knows she’s not, the one she knows he desires.  She can escape the judgment…the ridicule that consumes her brain…the disgust she’s sure consumes his.  Dark is good…or, better yet, maybe she should just avoid it all together.  Less sex means less judgment.

Women are their own worst nightmare when it comes to body image.  She’ll nitpick every imperfection, obsess over it, and even create one where none exists.  She does this because the media has convinced her that she’s not desirable.  Airbrushed magazine covers, starved skeletal models, celebrities who’ve allowed themselves to become their plastic surgeon’s patchwork quilt…all of these somehow dictate to women, and men, their concept of “beautiful.”  Because of these false images and the impossible goals they set for women, insecurity is the devil on her shoulder pointing out every imperfection as she inspects her body in the mirror…the body she’s convinced he couldn’t possibly be attracted to.  If her body image is severe enough, something else begins to happen…her self-imposed fears will get confirmed.  Even if she’s not that into it, he still wants sex.  He always will, even if her insecurities are giving HIM a complex.  But because she’s not that into it, the foreplay and pleasure will give way to a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”   So, her fears are confirmed.  Now she’s convinced she was right all along…he’s disgusted by her.  That little devil on her shoulder steps in once again… “He’s disgusted by you…he can’t wait to get it over with…he’s just using you to get off.”  Now the insecurity has taken on a life all it’s own.  Not only does she hate her body, try to hide it, and avoid sex, if possible…now she’s convinced that he’s using her too.  The foundation was already laid for the emotional wall dividing them…an overnight crew has just completely cemented it up.

She may feel shy, or ashamed, of her body because her post-baby body refuses to bounce back.  She may have just put on a little extra weight over the years.  She may be feeling older and less attractive.  Whatever the reason, her self perception is the one controlling the red light.  Until she feels sexier, the light will remain bright red.  Men…when she feels sexy, you’ll know it.  She won’t be able to get enough of you.  Her confidence in her body, or lack of it,  is powering her sex drive.  When her confidence is low, exercise is a great way to release endorphins, get her feeling more fit, and give her the energy to steer her sex drive out of the bushes and back out onto the main highway.  Headlights glaring in your face.    However, one sure fire way to keep it stuck in the bushes is by criticizing her…whether you’re criticizing her body, or her desire.  Being critical, or pointing fingers at her for your lack of sex, will only fuel her insecurities.  And neither you, nor your dwindling sex life, want that.

So guys, getting rejected occasionally is likely just due to exhaustion or distraction.  But if rejection is a regular occurrence, it’s unlikely you’re the reason.   So stop being “hard” on yourself .    She IS into you.  She may just be terrified that if you see what she sees, you won’t be into her.  It’s easier on her ego if she remains in power and rejects you before you reject her.

When she does give the occasional green light, take your time, pleasure her, convey to her that she makes you crazy hot…but never judge.  That encouragement, along with exercise to boost her self esteem, may put that red light on the fritz.  Underneath that shy, seemingly uninterested woman, lies a sex-starved, can’t-get-enough sex kitten who’s just been freed from HERSELF.  Be careful what you ask for.  You may be the one begging for the red light.  Nah, probably not. 

Chick Hughes

“My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.” Les Dawson

fireyes

Do women nag?   Hmm, do babies cry?  Do men like sex?  These, of course, are all rhetorical questions.  The answers are yes, yes, and yes.  It’s true!  Women nag.  “Are you going to get your hair cut this week?” (asked 4 times before he follows through and it becomes apparent that he does, in fact, have a forehead separating his hair and eyebrows).    “Don’t forget to take out the trash!”  (asked 5 times after having picked up the same piece of trash that keeps leaping from the overflow as if on a suicide mission).  “That garbage disposal really needs to be fixed.” (asked 6 times before realizing your outdoor garbage can has become the local bar and grill for an entire neighborhood of raccoons.)  Let’s face it, ladies.  We do nag.  We nag because we need things done.  If he helped out the first time we asked…a second, third, or fourth “nag” wouldn’t be necessary,  now would it?  I joke, but realistically, I think the science behind nagging is much more complex.

In the first few years of marriage, there’s not a lot of nagging going on, is there?  If there is, you’ve already started out on rocky terrain ~ good luck.  What IS going on in the first couple years of marriage?  Sex.  Communication.  Connection.  We’re in love.  We want to please one another (emotionally and sexually), and we want it to be reciprocated….and it usually is.  She feels connected, loved, emotionally fulfilled…not taken for granted.  Because she feels this, she also feels frisky and seductive.  He feels wanted and desired, and he’s having plenty of sex.  Because he feels this, he also feels the desire to help her, take care of her, and make things as easy as possible for her.  So, he preemptively tackles little things like chores because he’s more in tune with her happiness.  In turn, she’s fulfilled, happy, and focuses more on their connection… less on minor details or chores that somehow seem relatively unimportant.  Result: not a lot of nagging.  Isn’t this a happy union?  Also referred to as the honeymoon phase.  Short and sweet. 

But as the years go by, this connection will “spring a leak.”  We tend to slowly focus less on the connection, and more on the minor details that fill up our busy lives.  The connection suffers.  The sex suffers.  The communication takes a leave of absence, and in its place comes the nagging.  Once our lives fill with countless stressors, we’re not so blissfully happy anymore.  Our happy union has skipped out on us.  Because we let life’s daily trials get in the way, the connection slips, and, consequently,the sex also slips.  If women are feeling emotionally distant, we’re not feeling the sex -  because, to us, no emotional connection means “we’re broken.”  Less sex, for men, translates into “we’re broken.”  Less sex results in more emotional distance.  When men aren’t getting what they need, the desire to take care of her, or be her hero, fades.  So, doing little things around the house to make her happy becomes less important to him.  Essentially, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.  When his efforts stop, so do hers.  When her efforts stop, so do his.  Dizzy yet?

So, now we have a couple who has a rapidly shrinking connection (and sex life), a growing rift between them, and a steadily mounting list of household demands.  Household chores, responsibilities, kids…none of these will take a break until we figure out how to get back on track.  They still demand constant attention.  But, now that there’s less communication (sexually and verbally), the main topic of conversation revolves around what needs to be done.   What’s left to talk about?  When men disconnect, they become almost unaware of what needs to be done.  Someone has to pick up the slack, and that someone is typically her.  So, she is forced to ask for help.  Trust me, she gets no pleasure out of this.  She much prefers his preemptive stepping up to the plate without having to be begged like one of her children.  This is a turn off of epic proportion.  What’s interesting, though, is that neither spouse is cognizant of the fact that his/her unmet needs will manifest themselves in such a way.  We may think that the nagging is simply about getting the job done.  Don’t get me wrong.  It is, to a point.  But sometimes, the minor jobs that we “nag” about are symbolic of something bigger, something missing -  and that something is her connection with him.  She may even be nagging because it’s the only communication transpiring, and she’s desperate to get some communication going…even an argument.  Professionals say kids act out in an attempt to seek attention from their parents — whether it’s good or bad.  Maybe seeking an argument with our spouse isn’t so different from our childlike behavior?  Humans are so complicated…stupid humans!  Rarely are our marital arguments about the issue at hand.  Wouldn’t it be nice if life were so black and white?  Not a chance. 

There seems to be a direct correlation between level of connection (emotional and sexual) and level of nagging.  When we’re happy, connected, and sexual, we have more teamwork and less need for nagging.  However, when we’re unhappy (consciously or unconsciously),  disconnected, and sex is a rare event, we become less of a team and the nagging for help becomes more steady.  To work as a team again, we need to be bonded.  Sex is a bonding experience.  Chemicals given off in the brain during sex bond us together, making us feel more connected.   Once we’re more connected, we yearn, and strive, to please one another.  And so, the need for nagging dwindles.

Next time you find yourself drowning in a sea of nags, think about the true driving force.  Maybe all your nag needs is a good shag? 

Chick Hughes

“I date this girl for two years–and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name.” Mike Binder