Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Nothing sparks one’s imagination, evokes one’s emotions, or speaks to one’s soul like a good book.  For both the reader and the writer, the words inspire thought, create passion, and expose vulnerability.

As a reader, I find Eleanor Herman’s Sex With the Queen (a collection of sordid extramarital affairs carried on by some of history’s most highly respected and, as it turns out, sexually starved queens) to be a refreshing reminder of our perfectly imperfect humanity.  With each forbidden frolic recounted by Herman,  I was able to brush up on hundreds of years of risque royal romping outside the marital bedroom.  Not only was I captivated by the author’s nefarious tales of wedded betrayal proving the lengths we, as sexual beings, will go to in order to sate our insatiable appetite for physical intimacy (even when met with certain death as standard archaic punishment)…but I was, once again,  blown away by the sheer power of love itself…an engulfing emotion, a trance-inducing spell, a heart hijacking…prompting us to break rules, breach trust, and bring down marital houses.

As a writer, I was captured by her candidly prefaced description of what it’s like, as an author, to put herself out there (heart and soul) with written words and await the merciless criticism that will likely be hurled in her soul-baring direction…most of which she is willing to withstand if only to reach one reader who – like herself – finds liberating understanding  and literary growth from her writing.  Herman’s sentiments ring true with any writer who has ever written from the heart, unbridled and uncensored.

“Putting a first book out there for the world to read is like standing on a podium naked and asking people to judge you, body and soul.  This is because each book is a clear reflection of its author, her personality, her thoughts and experience, her way of looking at the world. Judgement, therefore, will not only be about her writing, but about…her soul! It is extremely frightening to take that step up to the podium, utterly exposed; the least bit of jiggle, cellulite, or sagging clearly visible to potentially cruel judges.  It is also an exhilarating experience when the judges agree the results are pretty good, and any minor jiggle can be forgiven.” ~ Eleanor Herman

 

To reveal oneself through words is to brave, dwelling within us, the inner inhibiting troll.

To break down walls and relinquish control.

To write from the heart, to bare one’s soul.

To break free from the repressed literary whole.

 

Feel, write, feel, repeat.

~ Chick Hughes

Get your booty shakin’ and your sex life quakin.’  Or so say the sexperts!  It turns out exercise is good for more than buns of steel.  It also promises tons of squeal…in the bedroom.  Or maybe it’s the steel causing the squeal?  😉  Either way, that’s quite the incentive for squeezing in some sweat time.  But forcing that overstressed, overworked tired tushy to hit the gym and squeeze an hour of sweat from the sour lemon that is our day?  Not exactly ap-pealing.  The excuses mount, no?  No time.  No energy.  Too many chores.  Too little willpower.  But what if a regular workout routine were to increase our sex drive and deliver better orgasms?  Hmmm, squeezing a drop of sweat from that sour lemon of a day may just get us lemon-Laid!

Studies show just that.  Regular exercise does indeed deliver an enhanced sex drive.  Over a sustained period of time, sweating it out releases endorphins causing a “runner’s high.”  We feel good inside and out.  Working out elevates our mood and makes us feel calm, confident, and in control.  That confidence acts as an aphrodisiac giving us the gas needed to rev our engines and finish the race with a ‘bang.’  Men AND women who routinely exercise show decreased stress, enhanced sex drives, and better orgasms.  And the more intense the workout, the more successful the aphrodisiac.

After years of marriage, kids, work, and chores, we need all the self-seduction we can muster up.  Ruts and exhaustion make it easy to fall into a pattern of poor body image, lack of energy, and loss of sexual spark…especially for women.  Unlike men, women can’t pull rabbits from their hats (or snakes from their drawers) and forget all problems except a need for orgasm.  Every emotional issue and unresolved thought she has will accompany her into the bedroom.  Insecurity, distraction, depression, anxiety, chores, kids, that damn mosquito buzzing around somewhere in the room.  All flooding her brain leaving her little or no room for choreographing  and executing that strip tease she’d otherwise planned.  Bummer!

Perhaps one of the top sexual inhibitors is insecurity.  And women aren’t the only ones who bear the weight of a tubby devil on the shoulder reminding them of every imperfection.  Today’s men are just as body conscious…worrying whether they’re buff enough and up to snuff.  “Will she be satisfied?  Will I be enough?  Will she be disappointed?”  (Fellas, women are much less physically critical of their partners than men.  For her, it’s more about emotion and spark and less about six packs and rib-reachers.)  We all want to feel good about ourselves…good about what we’re bringing to the table.  And if we’re confident in that, dessert will be that much sweeter.

Research shows that vigorous exercise primes women’s bodies for sex.  That it gets us in the mood and makes us feel all hot and bothered.  Well, so does the sight of her sultry hubby vacuuming the floor or preparing dinner.  Now, that fantasy whopper could be a real panty dropper…if only it were utilized.  🙂  Clearly, exercise is hot…in more ways than one.  Not only do we feel more attractive and frisky when we work out…but sometimes, just watching taut sweaty bodies working it is enough to prime the most “out of service” sexual engines.  Then again…sometimes NOT!

Experts say the correlation between sex drive and exercise is the product of both physical and emotional stimuli.  Physically, when we exercise, we get our blood pumping.  We raise our heart rate and increase circulation…not only to our brains (which is the most sexual organ)…but also to the genitals.  With more blood pumping south, we’re open for business.  We respond quicker to sexual stimuli, experience heightened sensation, and are more eager to get it on.

Not only do we become more physically fit, more aesthetically pleasing, and friskier than usual…we also benefit emotionally…become more confident.  We FEEL sexier…more alive.  We’ve achieved eye candy status and we’re now confident enough to say “Eat me.”  Exercise is good for our self-esteem, our body image, and our state of mind.  It lowers stress, reduces depression and anxiety, and gives us a newfound love of self.  With a more elated state of mind, less stress to bog us down, and the empowering sense of sexiness, we become more comfortable with our bodies.  And therefore more open to new sexual endeavors and more in touch with our body’s sensations.  When the mind is free from stress and insecurity, it’s free to enjoy the body.  Inhibition demolition.

Promising less stress, less depression, more confidence, more sex, and better orgasms…exercise just rendered all excuses null and void.  It’s cheaper than therapy and the couch won’t be the only thing getting laid.

Arousal begins in the brain and travels south.  Working out makes us feel sexy and confident…and gets our blood pumping in all the right places.  If we feel sexy, we’ll BE sexy.

So feel the burn…and the yearn!  Shake it.  🙂

 

Chick Hughes

“Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person’s physical, emotional, and mental states.” ~Carol Welch

 

 

Here a chick, there a chick.  Everywhere a cheat, cheat?  Ok, so maybe not everywhere. But tweet this!  Women’s marital plates are now rivaling men’s when it comes to a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side.  A daringly sweet dessert to offset the mundanely sour entree, perhaps?  “Bone” appetit!    Her sweet tooth is her best kept secret…or worst wept regret, once she’s caught. But much like her fidelity-challenged husband, the looming risk of getting caught is not a sufficient deterrence.  Nope ~ the bootylicious boost in self esteem, the awakening shudder of the thunder down under, the thrilling drug-like high from being naughty ~ is worth it all.  Her “good girl” persona is Gone With the Wind.  She’s trading Scarlett O’Hara for the Scarlet letter.  “A” for Adventure.  And what does an attention-deprived, taken-for-granted, bored-with-herself chirpy chick have to say to her former doormat self?

Cluck U!

Despite its long-time, tight-lipped, deliriously denied existence, affairs of the female kind aren’t exactly news.  Though lacking the racy reputation of condescendingly conservative male politicians and their holier than thou erections, chick cheaters are and always have been flying just under the radar.  They are, however, on the rise and soaring high.  Inflation, in political terms.  Studies show they become more prevalent with the onset of her mid-life (what life?) crisis.  It’s during this mind-bending milestone that she begins to reevaluate herself, her career, and her relationship.  And realizes that somehow, she’s not as happy as she’d planned she would be.  She’s now had enough and is gutsy enough to stop settling for unhappiness.  To test fate.  She’s ready to take the bull by the horn…so to speak.

And he’s shocked by her sudden unhappiness and assertive affair.  Why?  Because rumor has it that women just don’t have affairs.  That infidelity is a no-wo-man’s land.  That women just aren’t that into sex.  However, rumors are notorious for being false.  Are they not?  And what else is a long-time sex-starved married guy to believe?  After all – in his house – a sexual advance ranks right up there with wiping boogers under the table in the “NO!  DON’T DO THAT!” hand-spatting transgressions.  No sex for you!  Rejection has become his reflection.  So, naturally, he assumes that if she doesn’t want sex with him, the last thing he has to worry about is her insatiable sexual appetite going elsewhere.

Contrary to popular male folklore, experts say she’s just as interested in sex as he is.  Sex with him?  Another question entirely.  But women ARE interested in sex. We’re sensual beings and need to feel sexy to be sexy.  If she’s not happy in her own skin, the last thing she wants is to flaunt the assets she’s so insecure with to someone she fears will criticize them.  Whether she knows it or not, she wants sex too.  But she needs to FEEL hot to act HOT.  So, light a fire under her!

Or she’ll find someone who will.

An affair is risky.  Dangerous.  It risks her security, her family, her reputation, her life as she knows it.  But she craves being craved.  So she rolls the dice with the knowledge that this bet could break her.  She’s operating on emotion, on a new love high, on her self-esteem’s desperate plea for pleasure – on anything but logic.  For a she-devil, scarlet letter wearing cheater, risk rationale is about as relevant as the dangers of a ceiling fan to this guy.  It’s fun to reach for the sky.  But if the shit hits the fan, it’ll rip her roots to shreds.  No pain, no gain…right?  The stakes are high, but her spark-starved ego is a gamblin’ girl.

Deal!

Why do women risk it all and stray?

~ She feels unappreciated, neglected, and lonely ~  She’s taken for granted.  This may be the most common reason women stray.  The drain of caring for the entire family with little to no return wears her down.  She needs to feel special, loved, appreciated, adored, and pampered too.  If all she’s getting is “What did you do for me?” and spends her days and nights playing maid – while HER wants and needs become distant strangers in the night – she’ll eventually long to join them.  She can only give so much before she wants to break free and live.  So when she finds herself on a dead end track to nowhere and someone comes along who makes her feel appreciated, adored, doted on, and alive again…she’ll buy herself a one-way ticket on a Runaway Train.

~ She feels something is missing, is bored with herself, and is looking to her inner bad girl to stir things up ~  She may have the perfect life.  Perfect husband, perfect kids, and so on and so on.  But she’s still missing something.  Someone she used to be…or wants to be.  So, she may look for someone who puts her in touch with her missing self.  Someone who makes her feel good on a new and forbidden level allowing her to escape the confines of the perfect wife and mother prison cell she’s created.  Someone who allows her to explore a world she’s not openly or socially allowed to be a part of.

~ She has low self-esteem ~ Child birth is not the baby-rattling picnic Hollywood has cast it to be.  She no longer feels like the firecracker he married.  She feels like an out of shape, out of time, out of patience mother.  That in no way, shape, or form translates into sex goddess.  Her motherly body is plaguing her with insecurities.  So when a new hottie makes her feel less like a frumpy mom and more like a still-got-it MILF, she goes back for more.  And more.  And you guessed it…more.

~ She’s seeking an emotional connection that’s missing with her hubby ~ She needs an emotional connection!  Always!  She needs him to listen, care, and empathize…not criticize.  She wants to be connected on all levels.  And if he won’t connect with her, another he will.

~ She wants an insurance policy ~ Scientists say evolution may be to blame.  That long ago, she would sleep with another man to ensure a back-up provider for her family in the unlikely event of her sweetie’s deathly demise.  A back up key to start her engine, in case the master key goes missing.  Also, modern day woman may sense when her husband has checked out emotionally and be lining up an alternate provider before he checks out physically.  The eternal planner.

~ She’s looking for an out ~ If she’s miserable in the marriage, she may decide an affair is an easier way to end the relationship.  Rather than initiating the split herself and dealing with his attempts to fix the problem.  If he leaves her, she’s free to move on …She is woman!  Watch her be passive aggressive!

Like men, women want to be adored and appreciated.  Affairs are simply an attempt to discreetly fill a void without breaking up the household, crushing her kids, and ditching a spouse.  An attempt to meet unmet needs while maintaining the needs of the family.  She’s a multi-tasker to the end.

Kids needs.

His needs.

Her needs.

Misdeeds.  😉

Chick Hughes

“One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.”  ~Judith Viorst

 

 

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater…had a wife and couldn’t keep her.  He must’ve been checking out some other hottie’s melons.  Marriage is challenging even in Mother Goose’s land of lollipops and twinkle, twinkle little stars?  Cheating is complicated, common, and anything but new.  Modern day men cheat on wives.  “Good old days” men cheated on wives.  As far back as man goes, he’s cheated.  And why not?  It’s so easy a caveman can do it. I’m sure from time to time, some burly unsuspecting cave woman found her Captain Caveman marinating his meat elsewhere.  Poor guy probably got the hell beat out of him with his own club while she grunted Bobbit-ish threats through her voracious not-so-pearly white stalactites making his “little friend” turtle shell into hiding.  Will he do it again?  Probably.  It happened, it happens, and it will always happen.  Some are able to take an affair to their grave.  Others have the dirty details publicly spread and embellished by our favorite go-to trash magazines.  We read about it, gossip about it, pass judgment on it, and think it will NEVER happen to us.  But rich, poor, hot, not…no one is immune to the sultry underbelly of cheating.  It’s the ominous cloud looming over every happy marriage.  If the atmospheric pressure drops just right, that cloudy threat opens up and rains its tears of betrayal all over us.  To borrow from Mother Goose once more…

It’s raining.  It’s pouring.  The old man is scoring.  So umbrella up!

Marriage is tough enough on a good day.  But after weeks of condescending eye rolling, incessant nagging, petulant arguing, and booty bang-less begging,  even the most loyal hubby is susceptible to temptation.  Wives wonder why?  The answer is usually staring her in the face as she shoots him down with “Not tonight…I’m too tired.”  Or disgustingly rolls her eyes at his every advance.  Or belittles him making him feel he can do nothing right.  Or meets his jokes and stories with utter disinterest.  If he’s constantly made to feel unattractive and insecure, he’ll welcome an outsider who refutes it.  Who wouldn’t?  But sometimes – even with all of his sexual and emotional needs met at home – he may still jump ship to explore another woman’s “dingy.”  Damn it!  What can I say?  It’s the nature of the beast.  But more often than not, he won’t take the risk and jump overboard if his ship is “tricked out” with all the bells and whistles.  Basic survival 101.

Studies show 60% of men cheat on their wives.  And 70% of those wives never have a clue.  I question that 70%.  Women are very intuitive, but may choose not to know to keep from rocking her own cushy boat.  Psychologists say human beings are socially monogamous by nature.  That we evolved to bond together for survival reasons.  Child-rearing, connection, and safety.  It’s nice to know someone has our back when we need to put the smack down on a mouthy child, when we need a shoulder to cry on, or when we need someone to give us a head’s up that some surly saber tooth tiger is about to make a meal out of us and ruin that one-of-a-kind designer fur sack we worked so diligently on.  Safety in numbers.  They say that although we’re socially monogamous by nature, we’re NOT naturally sexually monogamous.  We’ve instituted sexual monogamy to protect our social monogamy.  Because sex causes our brains to release the love drug, oxytocin, we know that a little nookie on the side could turn into a home-wrecking pookie at the alter.  So to protect that social monogamy needed to survive, we’ve forced sexual monogamy on ourselves.  But sticking to that self-imposed expectation tends to “screw” us over sometimes.

So why do men cheat?

~ He feels emotionally disconnected: Men may be sexual creatures, but they’re also emotional…shhh!  Don’t tell them that.  They need an emotional connection too.  Someone to caress them, love them, be there for them, show them affection.  Studies show almost half of men’s affairs are rooted in emotional dissatisfaction.  However, if the emotional connection is missing, so is the sex.  You do the math.

~ He feels under-appreciated: He wants to know he’s appreciated and adored.  To be your hero.  To know he’s winning when he makes an effort around the house, in the bedroom, with the kids, and with work.  If he feels he’s fighting a losing battle, surrendering to an affair (a woman who makes him feel like a hero, a winner, a sex god) will be that much easier.  If you’re not willing to do it, trust me…there’s someone just around the corner who is.

~ He craves sexual variety…he craves sex PERIOD: Men want sex. Men want sex.  Men want sex.  He’s biologically and evolutionarily hardwired to desire and have sex often.  Once a month is NOT often.  Twice a month is NOT often.  So buck up ladies.  If he’s not doing you, he’s doing somebody!  The relationship is more fulfilling to both parties when everyone’s needs are being met.  If he’s happy sexually, you’re happy emotionally.  And he’s oh so ready to please…when you’re on your knees.  😉

~ It’s easier than divorce: Divorce is costly, messy, and difficult on the whole family.  If he’s unhappy in his marriage, he may deem an affair a less complicated, less disruptive means of satisfaction.

~ He’s seeking a thrill: His needs may be getting met at home, but he’s looking for cheap thrills. Daring to execute forbidden taboos can be a high.  Don’t be afraid to turn your bed into a theme park and keep the thrills domestic.

Men are sexual beings, but they’re also emotional beings.  They long for the same affection, same touch, same adoration as women.  But they also want to get laid…OFTEN.  They don’t want to have sex with a lifeless uninterested object.  They want you to LOVE it.  They love you to WANT it.  The more sex you have, the more emotionally connected you are.  And the more in love you feel.  That’s what he wants.  He wants YOU.

He wants you to love him, adore him, need him, want him, lust after him, and screw him!  All the time!

ALL the time!

Men are naughty by nature…

Ballsy by biology…

And led by libido.

Love ’em?  Hate ’em?

LOVE ’em!

Chick Hughes

“Love is a game in which one always cheats.”  ~ Honore de Balzac

 

 

viavector

French kissing.  Tongue wrestling.  Face sucking.  Lip Locking.  Spit swapping.  Whatever your term selection for tonguing affection,  kissing is the shiznit, no?  An upper persuasion for a lower invasion, as they say.  If romance movies have taught us anything, it’s that a knee weakening, head dizzying, passionate tongue tango is all the erotic prodding a sexy pair of undies needs to head south for a breather.  But on the flip side, experience has taught us that a knee locking, spark-free spit exchange void of palpable passion…

Well, the undies will never know, will they?  😉

We’re all looking for a home run when it comes to sex…but all the bases must be touched to get there.  And, who’s on first? Why, the kiss, of course.  Without the success of a hot sultry kiss, the batter is as likely to get to second base as an inebriated Homer Simpson sporting not-so-tighty whities and shoelaces tied together.  Three strikes be damned!  He’s out!

Kissing is the universal language of love.  A must – or bust!  But why?  In a society obsessed with Germ-X and antibacterial redi wipes, why do we kiss in the first place?  Going to such great lengths to protect our delicate hands from icky germs, but tongue probing the unknown bacterial depths of the infamous dirty mouth?

We have our reasons…however manipulative they may be.

As with everything else relationship, men and women speak a different language when it comes to kissing.  Both have subconscious biologically driven motives for the kiss.  Both use it to get what they want.  And both just down right love it.  It’s the sex before the sex, right?  But that’s where the similarities end.  As usual, men are straight forward.  As his tongue does the persuading, he’s already “pointing” to what he wants.  She, on the other hand, is persuading with her tongue, but keeping what she wants a mystery to him.  Nothing new there, huh?

Our ulterior motives are devilishly different.  And we’ve perfected the kiss as a tool to meet those motives.  One way or another, we’re in it to win it…whether “it” is sex, connection, or long-term bond.  We kiss for a reason.  When first getting to know someone, we have no idea if he/she would make a good sex partner.  We need to test the waters before leaping in.  Evaluate his/her mating potential.  So we let our tongues do the stalking.  😉

We kiss to:

Assess a mate ~  Both sexes kiss to evaluate a mate.  According to experts, the moment our lusty mouths meet, a very complex exchange of information begins to unfold…a sort of titillating tongue talk.  Our saliva and and breath are packed with pheromones and other biochemical signals telling us whether we’re genetically compatible…and give us clues on the health of our possible bed buddy.  We’re literally taste testing the merchandise.  Are they worthy of breeding?  Should we pursue the screw?  Do we rev our engines and step on the gas…or get out of the car altogether.  Without the “spark,” there’s no heat.  And a kiss tells us instantly whether there’s a spark.  We’re biologically driven to perpetuate the species.  So if we’re not genetically compatible, the body knows.  Result:  Kiss OFF!

Monitor the bond ~ This one belongs solely to the ladies.  Once we’ve decided the taste test is a success, we continue to lay it on him in hopes of raising his oxytocin level, which will -in turn – make him bond with us.  We want the bond because we know once we procreate, we need him to stick around and help with child rearing.  Then once we’ve sealed the bond, we further use the kiss to gauge the status of the relationship.  We’re in constant assessment mode, and use the tongue as a love thermometer.  Is he still committed?  Still hot for me?  Losing interest?  Not feeling it anymore?  Does he love me, or love me not?  As Cher put it, It’s in his kiss!

Score some booty ~ Men pucker up for the obvious reasons…sex, sex, and more sex.  Perfectly evolved mating machines, they use the kiss to get her hot and bothered.  To lure her to down ‘n’ dirty town.  The kiss is bait.  Sex…the prize.  Scientists say trace amounts of testosterone are found in his saliva and are passed on via the kiss to get her in the mating mood.  Instinctively he knows that stimulating her very sensitive lips and tongue will also stimulate her lower regions.  He also uses the kiss to help him determine how good the sex will be.  To let him know how receptive she is to mating.  He subconsciously perceives her level of wetness and salivary exchange during the kiss as a representation of her sexual receptivity during actual intercourse.  Is she hot, or not?  Ready, or not?  Research shows that men feel kissing should lead to sex.  Thank god for modern research!  😉  We may never have figured that one out on our own.  A hot lingering wet kiss means one thing to him.  Go ahead.  Lay it on him…he’ll rise to the occasion every time.

It seems the subconscious mind has us kissing for reasons we may or may not be aware of.  We’re cunning little kissers, no?  But aside from the drive to mate and bond, we kiss because we like it.  Because it’s fun.  Because it’s teasingly erotic and Oh so romantic.  And because…

Oh, who are kidding?  We want sex.

But when it comes to the kiss, ponder this.  Are there good kissers and bad kissers?  Or are the ones we perceive as bad simply not genetically compatible with us…therefore a sexual union not beneficial to the propagation of the species?  Are we nothing more than pawns in the game of banging biology?  Or do we make our own lip smacking rules?

Kiss or miss…

Get your tongues in a twist and find out.

Happy tonguing!

Chick Hughes

“A kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition.” ~Clare Whiting

 

Saying “I do” … $20,000.  First twirl of the “virginal” lily white gown around the dance floor as husband and wife … $3000.  That dreamy oblivious newlywed stare as guests gorge on cake and romance… $1000.  One hell of a honeymoon night romp… $2000.

That sex-starved post-dreamy glazed over look of defeat after several years of marital reality…priceless.

A wedding day is pure bliss… So enjoy.

Quickly! …going, going…gone.

Weren’t those 24 hours worth every penny?  They say words are cheap…clearly, whoever said that never priced the words “I do.”

Now that the wedding is yesterday’s event, welcome to the marriage.  The two are not only opposites…but archenemies.  One promising eternal bliss.  The other proving to be a total diss.  One starring the happy couple.  The other starring the tantrum-prone offspring.  One boasting the price tag of a stellar college education.   The other roasting the price tag of 2 kids + college education.  WTF??   One teasingly offering frequent sex, shameless flirting, and permanent googly eyes.  The other delivering rare nookie, shameless averting, and loveless rolling of the eyes.  At some point every marriage departs from the land of the “dreamy” and enters the land of the “dreary.”  Such is the path life cruelly steers marriage down.  The sex dwindles and takes a back seat to…well, everything.  Who has time, right?

The once “sho” thing is now a “no” thing.  But sex is vital to the health of marriage.  It’s a deal maker and a deal breaker.

So, why IS sex so important…aside from the obvious?

~ Sex is a basic physical need ~

We physically need sexual release…our biology demands it.  And who are we to argue with biology?  It’s the one thing that draws us to the opposite sex…the only thing men and women have in common…aside from the ability to “release” multiple times.  Oh, wait…nope,  my mistake.  🙂  Sex is what brings us together to begin with, right?  We certainly don’t go looking for a mate to celebrate our celibacy needs…have a “burning of the condoms” rally.  First and foremost, we’re drawn to a partner to satisfy the howling horndog that dwells within.  And yes, consequently, we fall hopelessly in love.  But love is simply a result of satisfying those needs.  Sex releases a chemical into our brain giving us “That Lovin’ Feeling.” So, no sex…no love!  We marry because we ARE in love.  But let’s face it…without our pushy libido running the show, we never would have paired up and gotten married in the first place.  It IS the driving force behind our union.  The dirty ulterior motive behind the elegance and romance of the exchanging of the wedding vows.

We spend more money on the “big” day than is conscionable.  Why?  Because on this day, we’re forking over mega moola to say, “Hey!  I like banging her.  She’s mine, and no one else can have her.”  Or him.  We’re horny stingy overgrown kids at heart…MINE, MINE, MINE!  And sharing…out of the question!  So, part of this union deal is monogamy.  No extracurricular banging allowed!  Once married, we rely solely on our hottie of choice to fulfill our biological sexual needs “until orgasmic death do us part.”  Routine sex is the unspoken insinuation of “I do.”  And frankly, it’s the reason men put up with the rest of marriage’s shenanigans.  Sure, they love us…but without the dirty to keep them invested, they will meander off the marital path.  And honestly, so will we.  Women want it as much as men do…ok, so maybe not AS much.  🙂  But if it slacks off, trouble brews.  And if it, dare I say, ceases altogether…all bets are off.  All wedded promises null and void.  The irony?  After one day’s overpriced hoopla to celebrate the union and say “I love you,” a simple piece of paper suffices to say, “My bad…hit the road Jack.”

~ Sex is an intimate emotional need ~

We communicate through sex, through touch, through sensation.  We express love, desire, and affection…all through sex.  We reaffirm that love with every tender caress, every sweet kiss, every screaming orgasm.  Sex leaves us feeling exhilarated, desired, and alive.  Who doesn’t want to be an object of desire?  So, if our spouse doesn’t want us, we take a major hit to our self esteem.  We feel rejected, unloved, unattractive.  And we begin to doubt our sex appeal, doubt our sweetie’s sex appeal, and doubt “us.”  Human beings need affection.  We crave it…thrive on it.  It’s the language of love.  With it we can say, “I love you.  Can’t get enough of you.  Do me now!”  Or we can say… “Nah… I’ll pass.”

Ouch!

We don’t want to be with someone who makes us doubt ourselves.  Our ego won’t stand for that at all…and will convince us we don’t have to either.  You can bet we listen up when our ego speaks.  It’s our inner Gandhi!  Respected and revered.

~ Sex keeps us CONNECTED ~

Marriage is a river of problems.  From romance to finance.  From kiddos to low blows.  From families to failures.  Our only hope of crossing that river and surviving its treacherous waters is to join together and form a bridge.  An interlocking connection that will lead us safely to the other side.  If we don’t come together, interlock our pieces, and stay connected…we’re left with no means of crossing that river of problems.  And the only recourse will be divorce.

Our bridge is sex.

Sex is connection…a marital lifeline that bonds us.  So, if the sex fades, intimacy fades.  No more touching, hand holding, kissing, snuggling, talking, confiding, …No more anything.  Connection broken.  Bridge blown to pieces.  No way across.

Successful marriage is an endangered institution.  Sustaining it requires connection.  Connection requires sex.

So be proactive.  Change your world.

Bang!  🙂

Chick Hughes

“Sex is an emotion in motion” ~ Mae West

photo by: LilGoldWmn

Thrills, chills, and squeals.  Adrenaline junkies at heart!  We love to hate horror movies, push our fear factor limit by creeping through haunted houses, plunge from ledges with nothing but a glorified rubber band fending off the grim reaper, and flock to amusement parks in search of a thrill like hard ‘n’ horny “gentlemen” waving dollar bills in a strip club.  Some of us take on those thrills, climb on stage, and bump and grind…while others stand on the sidelines, live vicariously, and just…watch.  One group will leave with a thrill.  The other, only the bill. So, here’s the question:  If life were an amusement park and new experiences the rides, which rides would you stand in line for?  Which ones are worth it?  Worth the wait…worth the risk?  Would you opt to play it safe, take the short line, and settle for the Teacups, Tilt-a-Whirl, or indoor shows?  Or would you seek out the risk, build anticipation in line, and get your adrenaline pumping on the biggest, baddest, hair-raising, death-grazing roller coasters in the park?  The shush or the rush?

Relationships present the same dilemma.  Once we pair up, settle down, and marry…then what?  Do we settle into routine, expect the expected, and watch our zest for life run away with the hottie next door?  Or do we dare to dry new things, strive to grow as individuals, and sample life’s wide array of flavors together…as a couple?  Do we opt for a love affair with life…or bore one another, derail our marriage, and flirt with divorce?  Keeping a marriage on track is not for faint-hearted.  It takes work, work, and more work.  Hitched hoopla has it that marriage will falter under the strain of many things…paying the heating bill in a cold economy, disciplining an undisciplined child, a sexual affair in a sexless relationship, or who the hell’s turn it is to scrub the toilet.  While all are deal shakers, sheer boredom may just be the big daddy deal breaker.  After all, what does one do when bored?  Bored with monotonous chores, with do-nothing weekends, with rare ordinary sex?  Hmmm…look for something else to do?  SomeONE else to do?

Hold on to your pride!  YES!  Humans are inquisitive by nature.  We do NOT like to be bored…not with work, not with life, but most importantly…NOT with love.

Studies show that modern couples are looking for partners who make their lives more interesting, more fun, more…stimulating.  😉  We’re looking for the va-va-voom!  And according to divorce statistics, we’ll sacrifice family and finances to get it.  Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a professor in New Jersey, performed studies proving that individuals use relationships to accumulate knowledge and experiences.  That what we’re looking for in a partner above all else is self-expansion.  We want to learn, to grow, to view ourselves in new and exciting ways.  So, if we see our partner as a source of gained knowledge, creativity, and fun, we’re more likely to remain committed. But once we stop expanding, we grow bored and begin looking elsewhere to further ourselves.  Damn egos.

Researchers conclude that couples who have fun together, engaging in silly or intellectually stimulating experiences, report feeling more connected…more in love.  And on the flipside, those who only engage in boring monotonous stimulatingly challenged experiences — i.e. chores — report feeling disconnected…unhappy…wondering what else, or who else, could be waiting around the corner.  Disconnection precedes divorce.  No fun…no hon.  Laughter is, in fact, the best medicine…for all your boring needs.

Doubt our need for excitement?  Just count the zeros on the paychecks of entertainment stars.  We want, need, and will pay high dollar for entertainment. “Entertain me” may sound very self-serving.  It is.  But we are.  We ignore our self-serving ways.  Reject our selfishness out of guilt…blame our boredom on something more socially acceptable.  Irreconcilable differences, perhaps?  Reject away…but at our core, we’re self-serving individuals…human beings successfully evolved to outwit, outplay, outlast.  To do this, we must grow, learn, and expand.  Without the idealistic pressures we place on ourselves, without the societal expectations of being a do-gooder, without worrying about what someone else will think…drop the mask.  Explore the “banned no-man’s land” of your mind and ask yourself…

“Am I bored?”   No judgment…no one’s listening.

The reality is…as long as we’re growing, learning, experiencing, pushing life’s envelope, and having fun, we’ll stay committed.  We’ll plant ourselves in our spouse’s garden, reach for his sunny rays of excitement, soak in his nutrients, and grow.  We place great value on that garden…remain content basking in the “glow of the know.”  But once the sun recedes, the garden shades over, and the nutrients dry up…we begin to wither and droop.  Our buds drag the ground.  We long for someone to dig us up, transplant us to another, more promising garden, and bring us back to life.

Next up:  affairs, separation, and divorce.

Is it any wonder a new relationship is so exhilarating?  It presents us with new ideas, new experiences, new takes on life, and new sides of ourselves.  Makes us feel alive.  Being in any long-term relationship, good or bad, will usher boredom to our doorstep.  We can let it in, settle into our butt-imprinted comfy chairs, and fall asleep watching sitcom repeats…or we can meet it at the door dressed as our fun alter ego and take it…take us…for the ride of our lives.

So, how do we provide ourselves AND our sweeties self-expansion?

Step out of the comfort zone.  Try new things.  Go new places.  Meet new people.  Explore unexplored sexual taboos. Take a class together.  Discuss politics, news, the latest Chick Hughes article, culture…life.  Engage in a friendly debate. Constantly push and challenge one another.  Anything to keep us feeling fresh, new, relevant, ALIVE.  When we feel alive together, we feel connected…In Love!  Mi Amore!

So, while touring life’s amusement park, which rides will you get on?  Will you go for the rush or settle for the shush?  All couples can get on the Teacups together, but they may not get off together.  A terrifying toe-curling coaster with your sweetie will leave your blood pumping, your heart racing, your connection sealed, and sparks flying.  You’ve just self-expanded together.  Love and learn.

Avoid derailment.

Love on the edge.  😉

Chick Hughes

“Boredom: the desire for desires” ~ Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

Life’s many faces 🙂

photo by: Cambo

Coming home to a dark house, she wonders if he’s home.  She opens the door to a dimly lit room and a trail of rose petals leading her to a Hallmark moment table adorned with wine, candles, and perfected place settings…a romantic candlelit dinner…a.k.a. the bait.  Before she can take it all in, a glass of wine finds its way into her hapless hand.  The day’s surplus problems race from her mind like children caught red-handed snooping through their dad’s forbidden box of “good articles.”  It’s then that she notices a chocolaty drizzled message on her dinner plate:  “No clothing. No option!”  As she grapples to take in his strategically premeditated  romantic gesture, he puts the last piece of the get-laid-tonight puzzle into place…and permeates the room with her favorite romantic love song.  One sure to make her knees weak and her loins ache. Music and wine are intoxicating her.  The puzzle is complete…now it’s time to “tear it up!”

the hunted ~ “Why sweetie, what a romantic candlelight mood!”

the hunter ~ “The better to relax you with my dear…”

hunted ~ “Why sweetie, what an interesting dining attire rule!”

hunter ~ “The better to see you with my dear…”

hunted ~ “Why sweetie, what delicious wine!”

hunter ~ “The better to woo you with my dear…”

hunted ~ “Why sweetie, what erotic music you’re playing!”

hunter ~ “The better to DO you with my dear…”

And the ravenous wolf devoured her…but not before she left her own passionate scratches of defense tatooed across his back.  😉

Turns out music and sex have more in common than “I Want to Sex You Up” lyrics.  They both cause the brain to release the chemical dopamine that’s responsible for making us experience pleasure and reward.  While we’ve known that both eating and sex get our dopamine juices flowing, scientists now have proof that music is also a dopamine doozy.   Studies prove that all types of music…from classical to punk, from jazz to bagpipes, from hip-hop to tango…all tickle the dopamine fancy.  The studies were performed without lyrics, so it seems the music alone gives us the same high as sex.  But it should come as no surprise that music provides such titillating pleasure, seeing as how most musical lyrics are consumed with love and sex…having always played up to our lovesick heartaches, heartbreaks, and booty shakes.  So, sex and music undoubtedly go hand in “band.”  The question is:  Why do we sing our hearts out about our sex drought?  Is it simply an outlet, or is music a subconsciously primitive means to a consciously sexual end?

Darwin believed the latter.  His sexual selection theory suggested that music evolved to serve the same function as the rest of the animal kingdom…to mate.  He viewed animal musical behavior such as the mating songs of birds, frogs, alligators, and whales as equal to the evolution of music for humans.  Evidence of music dates as far back as the Paleolithic times, during which the first flute was created out of animal bone.  In a time when survival and procreation were the only things on a busy caveman’s to-do list, what reason at all would he have for attempting to create music?  It wasn’t necessary for food, fending off predators, or getting those pesky animal hairs out of his teeth.  So, why spend time he could otherwise be hunting creating music?  Why…to get the girl, of course.  Darwin dubbed it a do-the-dirty methodology.  He theorized that sounds generally evolved for the sole purpose of sex, which explains why music is a part of worldwide culture.  But those sounds have continued to evolve along with human beings.  With evolution, we’ve learned language…and thrown that lusty language in with our musically sexual quest.  Interestingly, with the rise of feminism, men aren’t the only ones using music to their sexual advantage.  “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”

Darwin’s sexual selection theory has historically been dismissed by some scientists.  But if food, sex, and music all cause our brains to release dopamine, we have to wonder…why?  Food, sex, and music have one common thread…they’re a means to an evolutionary end.  Like the rest of the animal kingdom, we have but two evolutionary duties in life…survival and procreation.  Food is a means to survival.  Sex is a means to procreation.  Music is a means to sex, it seems.  Maybe we subconsciously use music as a mating dance just as the rest of the animal kingdom.  Is it possible our brains have evolved to enjoy the things we need in order to survive and procreate.  We eat a slice of steamy cheesy pizza…we feel pleasure because eating is necessary for survival.  We hear climactic music, we feel pleasure because we anticipate sex.  We have climactic mind-blowing sex…we feel pleasure because we may now procreate.  Survival…check.  Procreation…check.  The continuation of the species…check.  All in a hard day’s work for primitive caveman…or modern He-Man.

Yes!  It seems, when it comes to music, the beat isn’t the only thing getting our booties bumping.  😉

So, next time you see young girls swoon over the latest heartthrob boy band, or some unsuspecting woman throw her panties at a rock band with mile-high hair, makeup you could carve your name in, and a sickly toothpick frame…reflect on Darwin’s theory.  And know that music just has that “feel good” effect on us.   You could try to pull her from the wolf’s sexually hypnotic grip…enlighten her…warn her…

“Hey girl!  He’s just trying to get to your nitty gritty with his witty ditty!”

But chances are she’s aware and dancing along to the ditty for HIS gritty.  😉

Chick Hughes

If music be the food of love, play on. William Shakespeare

photo by: sasa eh

She’s a good girl.  She’s a bad girl.  She’s everywhere in between.  She’s the steamy release from every woman’s boiling pot of hidden thoughts, feelings, and desires…a pot stirred by the hand of sexual expression, but sealed by the lid of sexual repression.  She’s the woman torn between the safety of being wholesome and the risk of being whoresome.  The moment she enters puberty, she’s met with the paradox that will forever shape her sexuality ~ Men love openly daring, sexually confident women…but they won’t marry one.  And there it is.  Her “how to” manual for landing a hubby summed up in one contradictory load of crap.

Marriage is the big finale to her youth and launching of her “happily ever after.”  She sees but one road leading to the brainwashed bliss of marriage, babies, and baking so subtly implanted by society…that road is good girl conformity.  She mustn’t be too in touch with her own sexual feelings, arousal, or satisfaction, lest she be labeled promiscuous…and therefore, alone for eternity or stoned to death…depending on the soil she dares get horny on.  So, she plays down her sexuality, suppresses it, and denies it.  Becoming quite the pro.  So much so that she wouldn’t recognize her own sexuality if it crawled up out of her panties, grabbed her hand, and offered her a privately guided tour of the ghost town down under.  She’s a stranger to herself.  But, hey…society must have been right.  After all…she did marry, have children, and live “happily ever after.”

For a minute.

Once the exhaustion from tending to everyone else’s needs wears off, she has a moment to think.  And in that moment, she realizes that “happily ever after” came at the expense of her inner sexual powerhouse.  And her lackadaisical sex life is starting to get on her nerves.  Not only that…but her “prince’s” wandering eye indicates a desire for a sexual shakedown as well.  Unfortunately, she still believes that he doesn’t want THAT out of HER. That he prefers a conservative wife in the bedroom as he merely fantasizes about a liberal one night stand.  And so, her struggle continues.

Conservative homemaker or liberal lovemaker?

It’s widely publicized that she reaches her sexual peak somewhere between age 30 and 40.  But does she?  Some experts in sexual education suggest that her “peak” isn’t hormonal at all.  Perhaps she’s been sexually conservative for so long that she has a sudden sexual awakening at this age.  That upon this age of maturity she, at last, feels comfortable enough in her own skin to experiment with her sexuality.  She’s long been taught that, unlike boys, girls aren’t “supposed to” experiment with sex…it’s unladylike.  The message is sent that she’d be labeled a jezebel and no boy would want her.  A message she hears loud and clear, despite it’s covert deliverance.  But once she reaches this golden age of maturity, she no longer cares.  Having spent too many years doing what everyone else wanted of her, she’s now eager to discover what SHE wants.  So, she explores the “forbidden.”  Only to discover the sexual freedom that’s been eluding her.

“O” yeah!

So, like any kid with a new toy, she wants to play with it.  Here, there, and everywhere…much like an 18 year old boy hitting what we call a “sexual peak.”  Boys are said to reach their peak at 18.  Or is it that everything is just new and exciting in his UNforbidden world at 18?  As is hers at 30+?  Maybe it’s simply taken her longer to climb her sexual mountain and reach the peak…what with all the societal ropes holding her back.  And what awaits her at the peak?  A poke!  😉

Unfortunately, not every woman is afforded the chance to discover her sexual self.  It’s hypothesized that long ago, men felt threatened by her sexual capacity and feared her pleasure would entice her to leave and experience pleasure with other men.  They didn’t want to share her, nor did they want the competition for sexual power.  So, to this day, in 28 African nations, she is forced to participate in genital mutilation, or removal of the clitoris…to keep her from feeling pleasure during sex.  No pleasure, no risk.  As a young girl, she’s taught that men won’t marry her unless this procedure has been performed…because she isn’t a woman until it’s completed.  So, ironically, the elder women perform it on young girls themselves to ensure her arrival as a “woman.”  In African culture, sex is purely for a man’s pleasure.  For her, it’s a necessary and painful duty to please her husband or to bear children.  She has no comprehension of her own sexual potential because it was stolen before she ever even hit puberty.  Her “wings” clipped to prevent her from flying the coop.

While the African culture takes a more direct approach, more varied forms of subtle female sexual repression span numerous cultures across the globe…and one of its biggest cheerleaders is religion.  Synonymous with guilt, religion teaches that a sexual woman is a sinner and will take her rightful place in hell…alongside the other fornicating sinners.  This is true for any religion.  Guilt and fear are powerful suppressors.  But, why do we conform to cultural traditions and religions that have negative effects on women, both mentally and physically?  Because we dare not question tradition.  Not only do we risk becoming an outcast, but we upset the brain with new unexplored roads after years and years of following a set-in-stone map. NEVER veer off path!  Our brains prefer the path of least resistance, so we conform.  To rationalize, question, or rebel against years of culture or religion is risky.  Too risky.  And our brains are too lazy to face risk.

Risk or no risk…the irony of sexual repression is blatant.  He prefers her to be daring in the bedroom, as does she…secretly.  But society teaches her to be a “good girl” ~ code for “bore him to death.”  They both want exciting sex lives, but, in a weird twist, the repression has a negative effect on both sex lives.  By suppressing her sexuality, his sex life suffers along with hers.  Neither gets to take a romp on the wild side.  Alas, the lusty sex drive lurks just under the surface yearning to erupt forth and ravage its victims like Kathy Griffin in a room full of tightly wound conservatives.  It will burst through…one way or another.  Whether it be affairs, divorce, or pornography addiction…the sex drive WILL be dealt with…even with religion preaching its should NOTS.  So, lose the shame.  Turn her “good girl” into “should girl.”

Regardless of the times, her sexual walls continue to surround her.  Built by years of guilt, shame, and fear, those walls may confine her.  But she SHOULD embrace her sexuality, express herself, and…

Graffiti the hell out of them.

Be a good girl.  Be a bad girl.  Be everything in between.

 

Chick Hughes

“You don’t have to be anti-man to be pro-woman.”  ~ Jane Galvin Lewis


LotusHead

Give and take.  Push and pull.  “Come” and GO?  Wait…no fair!  It takes two to tango, right?  The sexual tango is best when both parties crash from exhausted pleasure.  But that dance doesn’t always go off without a hitch.  And that hitch can be a bitch…in the form of a selfish lover.  Most of us have been on one end or the other of the selfish lover see-saw.  The selfish lover goes up, “comes” down…and leaves his partner hanging in unfulfilled expectation.  Where’s the fun in that??  Obviously, an overly self-gratifying, greedy lover who completely disregards our sexual needs isn’t winning Best Sex Coaster of the theme park award:  most twists and turns, ups and downs, ins and outs, and adrenaline pumping excitement.  Not a chance.  More like Best Kiddie Coaster:  no meandering, no unexpected tummy flippers, no adrenaline, just straight from point A to point “O.”  What a snoozer loser!  But is a selfish lover all bad?  Don’t we prefer a lover who knows what he/she wants and is confident, direct, and uninhibited enough to  take it?  Is a selfish lover oh so good, oh no bad, or oh…somewhere in between?

When asked, most people scream “bad” faster than it takes to flip that selfish sex partner the middle finger.  Even if we enjoy pleasing our partner…eventually, we’ll want something in return.  And if that person is unwilling to return the favor, it could mean all bets are off.  At some point, we’ll tire of doing all the work while our partner’s greedy hand is out and his drawers are down.  The day will come when we enter the bedroom adorned with a sign hanging from our neck reading “Payment expected upon services rendered.”  Is that direct enough?  😉

What drives a person to selfish lover status?

Insecurity…A person who has yet to embrace his/her own sexuality won’t likely be interested in embracing that of his partner.  Some people are afraid of their sexuality.  Afraid or not, it’s there.  Embrace it.  Only then do we enjoy it.

Inexperienced…He/she may honestly not know how to give pleasure.  In this case, it’s time for a little “show and tell” …wouldn’t you say?

Inability to prolong the fun…Some overly anxious participants simply can’t wait to reach orgasm.  If so, it’s time to drop the “F” bomb with them…FOREPLAY!

Unwillingness to reciprocate…For whatever reason, some partners just refuse to return the favor.   Advice:  GO ON STRIKE!

Insensitivity to partner’s needs…Then there are those who simply don’t care about anyone other than themselves.  In this case, forget the strike…QUIT altogether!

While we say we don’t want a selfish lover in our bedroom, experts are proving us hypocrites yet again!  A study conducted at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Vancouver revealed that, as usual, we have no idea what we REALLY want.  We like to think we want what sounds socially acceptable…appropriate.  But again, we overestimate ourselves.  We lie to our egos.  Why?  To protect ourselves from the animal ugly lurking just under our perfectly superficial tanned and toned exteriors.  This study found that “as a partner’s sexual self-focus decreased, their partner’s satisfaction decreased.”  Say what?  Even the experts were stumped.  It would seem to our idealistic self-perceptions that we would reject the sexual “taker” and prefer a lover who is overly generous and zeros in our needs.  Now who’s being selfish?

Selfish lovers are better lovers?  It would seem so…to a point.  Results from the Vancouver study showed that younger couples reported having sex for purely selfish reasons…to satisfy personal needs and sheer horniness.  On the other hand, older couples reported having sex to show affection for their partners or because it’s part of the “weekend routine.”  Obviously, the younger couples reported greater sexual satisfaction.  It’s hypothesized that selfish lovers make sex more enjoyable for their partners simply because they really wanted to have sex.  But could it be that simple?  If our partner is enjoying him/herself, it’s not only a turn on…it’s an ego boost.   It means we’re doing something right.  If we know our partner is having a good time, it frees us up to indulge in our own naughty selfish pleasures.  But if our partner is completely dependent on us for a good time, we feel pressured.  It’s possible to get so caught up in whether we’re doing a good job pleasing our partner that it hinders our own pleasure.  We’re over-thinking it.  Too stuck in our head…can’t get off in bed.

Here’s another perspective.  One can try TOO hard in the pleasing department as well.  Just as one who is TOO selfish can seem overbearing, one who is TOO eager to please can seem needy.  And that’s a turn off.  If our partner is trying relentlessly to bring us to orgasm, it can make us feel pressured and on the spot.  Result:  NOTHING!  Or maybe a fake-out.

What’s the saying?  “A watched pot never boils.”  But if our partner is a little less caught up in us and a little more caught up in themselves,  the pressure if off.  And the heated moisture will transition to a boil, which will inevitably release into steam.  Or so says science.

According to us, we prefer generosity in the bedroom.  According to the experts, we prefer a bit of a selfish partner.  Some degree of sexual self-focus is required to keep our partner satisfied.  So, there you have it.  We seem to prefer both…a fair amount of generosity doused in selfishness.  Give and take.  So, selfish sex…not oh so good, not oh no bad…but a healthy mix can lead both partners to the “O” Scream!

I scream, you scream…maybe a little whipped cream?  😉

Chick Hughes

“There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us. Dr. Laurence J. Peter