Posts Tagged ‘selfish lover’


Give and take.  Push and pull.  “Come” and GO?  Wait…no fair!  It takes two to tango, right?  The sexual tango is best when both parties crash from exhausted pleasure.  But that dance doesn’t always go off without a hitch.  And that hitch can be a bitch…in the form of a selfish lover.  Most of us have been on one end or the other of the selfish lover see-saw.  The selfish lover goes up, “comes” down…and leaves his partner hanging in unfulfilled expectation.  Where’s the fun in that??  Obviously, an overly self-gratifying, greedy lover who completely disregards our sexual needs isn’t winning Best Sex Coaster of the theme park award:  most twists and turns, ups and downs, ins and outs, and adrenaline pumping excitement.  Not a chance.  More like Best Kiddie Coaster:  no meandering, no unexpected tummy flippers, no adrenaline, just straight from point A to point “O.”  What a snoozer loser!  But is a selfish lover all bad?  Don’t we prefer a lover who knows what he/she wants and is confident, direct, and uninhibited enough to  take it?  Is a selfish lover oh so good, oh no bad, or oh…somewhere in between?

When asked, most people scream “bad” faster than it takes to flip that selfish sex partner the middle finger.  Even if we enjoy pleasing our partner…eventually, we’ll want something in return.  And if that person is unwilling to return the favor, it could mean all bets are off.  At some point, we’ll tire of doing all the work while our partner’s greedy hand is out and his drawers are down.  The day will come when we enter the bedroom adorned with a sign hanging from our neck reading “Payment expected upon services rendered.”  Is that direct enough?  😉

What drives a person to selfish lover status?

Insecurity…A person who has yet to embrace his/her own sexuality won’t likely be interested in embracing that of his partner.  Some people are afraid of their sexuality.  Afraid or not, it’s there.  Embrace it.  Only then do we enjoy it.

Inexperienced…He/she may honestly not know how to give pleasure.  In this case, it’s time for a little “show and tell” …wouldn’t you say?

Inability to prolong the fun…Some overly anxious participants simply can’t wait to reach orgasm.  If so, it’s time to drop the “F” bomb with them…FOREPLAY!

Unwillingness to reciprocate…For whatever reason, some partners just refuse to return the favor.   Advice:  GO ON STRIKE!

Insensitivity to partner’s needs…Then there are those who simply don’t care about anyone other than themselves.  In this case, forget the strike…QUIT altogether!

While we say we don’t want a selfish lover in our bedroom, experts are proving us hypocrites yet again!  A study conducted at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Vancouver revealed that, as usual, we have no idea what we REALLY want.  We like to think we want what sounds socially acceptable…appropriate.  But again, we overestimate ourselves.  We lie to our egos.  Why?  To protect ourselves from the animal ugly lurking just under our perfectly superficial tanned and toned exteriors.  This study found that “as a partner’s sexual self-focus decreased, their partner’s satisfaction decreased.”  Say what?  Even the experts were stumped.  It would seem to our idealistic self-perceptions that we would reject the sexual “taker” and prefer a lover who is overly generous and zeros in our needs.  Now who’s being selfish?

Selfish lovers are better lovers?  It would seem so…to a point.  Results from the Vancouver study showed that younger couples reported having sex for purely selfish reasons…to satisfy personal needs and sheer horniness.  On the other hand, older couples reported having sex to show affection for their partners or because it’s part of the “weekend routine.”  Obviously, the younger couples reported greater sexual satisfaction.  It’s hypothesized that selfish lovers make sex more enjoyable for their partners simply because they really wanted to have sex.  But could it be that simple?  If our partner is enjoying him/herself, it’s not only a turn on…it’s an ego boost.   It means we’re doing something right.  If we know our partner is having a good time, it frees us up to indulge in our own naughty selfish pleasures.  But if our partner is completely dependent on us for a good time, we feel pressured.  It’s possible to get so caught up in whether we’re doing a good job pleasing our partner that it hinders our own pleasure.  We’re over-thinking it.  Too stuck in our head…can’t get off in bed.

Here’s another perspective.  One can try TOO hard in the pleasing department as well.  Just as one who is TOO selfish can seem overbearing, one who is TOO eager to please can seem needy.  And that’s a turn off.  If our partner is trying relentlessly to bring us to orgasm, it can make us feel pressured and on the spot.  Result:  NOTHING!  Or maybe a fake-out.

What’s the saying?  “A watched pot never boils.”  But if our partner is a little less caught up in us and a little more caught up in themselves,  the pressure if off.  And the heated moisture will transition to a boil, which will inevitably release into steam.  Or so says science.

According to us, we prefer generosity in the bedroom.  According to the experts, we prefer a bit of a selfish partner.  Some degree of sexual self-focus is required to keep our partner satisfied.  So, there you have it.  We seem to prefer both…a fair amount of generosity doused in selfishness.  Give and take.  So, selfish sex…not oh so good, not oh no bad…but a healthy mix can lead both partners to the “O” Scream!

I scream, you scream…maybe a little whipped cream?  😉

Chick Hughes

“There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us. Dr. Laurence J. Peter