Posts Tagged ‘orgasm’
Give and take. Push and pull. “Come” and GO? Wait…no fair! It takes two to tango, right? The sexual tango is best when both parties crash from exhausted pleasure. But that dance doesn’t always go off without a hitch. And that hitch can be a bitch…in the form of a selfish lover. Most of us have been on one end or the other of the selfish lover see-saw. The selfish lover goes up, “comes” down…and leaves his partner hanging in unfulfilled expectation. Where’s the fun in that?? Obviously, an overly self-gratifying, greedy lover who completely disregards our sexual needs isn’t winning Best Sex Coaster of the theme park award: most twists and turns, ups and downs, ins and outs, and adrenaline pumping excitement. Not a chance. More like Best Kiddie Coaster: no meandering, no unexpected tummy flippers, no adrenaline, just straight from point A to point “O.” What a snoozer loser! But is a selfish lover all bad? Don’t we prefer a lover who knows what he/she wants and is confident, direct, and uninhibited enough to take it? Is a selfish lover oh so good, oh no bad, or oh…somewhere in between?
When asked, most people scream “bad” faster than it takes to flip that selfish sex partner the middle finger. Even if we enjoy pleasing our partner…eventually, we’ll want something in return. And if that person is unwilling to return the favor, it could mean all bets are off. At some point, we’ll tire of doing all the work while our partner’s greedy hand is out and his drawers are down. The day will come when we enter the bedroom adorned with a sign hanging from our neck reading “Payment expected upon services rendered.” Is that direct enough?
What drives a person to selfish lover status?
~ Insecurity…A person who has yet to embrace his/her own sexuality won’t likely be interested in embracing that of his partner. Some people are afraid of their sexuality. Afraid or not, it’s there. Embrace it. Only then do we enjoy it.
~ Inexperienced…He/she may honestly not know how to give pleasure. In this case, it’s time for a little “show and tell” …wouldn’t you say?
~ Inability to prolong the fun…Some overly anxious participants simply can’t wait to reach orgasm. If so, it’s time to drop the “F” bomb with them…FOREPLAY!
~ Unwillingness to reciprocate…For whatever reason, some partners just refuse to return the favor. Advice: GO ON STRIKE!
~ Insensitivity to partner’s needs…Then there are those who simply don’t care about anyone other than themselves. In this case, forget the strike…QUIT altogether!
While we say we don’t want a selfish lover in our bedroom, experts are proving us hypocrites yet again! A study conducted at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Vancouver revealed that, as usual, we have no idea what we REALLY want. We like to think we want what sounds socially acceptable…appropriate. But again, we overestimate ourselves. We lie to our egos. Why? To protect ourselves from the animal ugly lurking just under our perfectly superficial tanned and toned exteriors. This study found that “as a partner’s sexual self-focus decreased, their partner’s satisfaction decreased.” Say what? Even the experts were stumped. It would seem to our idealistic self-perceptions that we would reject the sexual “taker” and prefer a lover who is overly generous and zeros in our needs. Now who’s being selfish?
Selfish lovers are better lovers? It would seem so…to a point. Results from the Vancouver study showed that younger couples reported having sex for purely selfish reasons…to satisfy personal needs and sheer horniness. On the other hand, older couples reported having sex to show affection for their partners or because it’s part of the “weekend routine.” Obviously, the younger couples reported greater sexual satisfaction. It’s hypothesized that selfish lovers make sex more enjoyable for their partners simply because they really wanted to have sex. But could it be that simple? If our partner is enjoying him/herself, it’s not only a turn on…it’s an ego boost. It means we’re doing something right. If we know our partner is having a good time, it frees us up to indulge in our own naughty selfish pleasures. But if our partner is completely dependent on us for a good time, we feel pressured. It’s possible to get so caught up in whether we’re doing a good job pleasing our partner that it hinders our own pleasure. We’re over-thinking it. Too stuck in our head…can’t get off in bed.
Here’s another perspective. One can try TOO hard in the pleasing department as well. Just as one who is TOO selfish can seem overbearing, one who is TOO eager to please can seem needy. And that’s a turn off. If our partner is trying relentlessly to bring us to orgasm, it can make us feel pressured and on the spot. Result: NOTHING! Or maybe a fake-out.
What’s the saying? “A watched pot never boils.” But if our partner is a little less caught up in us and a little more caught up in themselves, the pressure if off. And the heated moisture will transition to a boil, which will inevitably release into steam. Or so says science.
According to us, we prefer generosity in the bedroom. According to the experts, we prefer a bit of a selfish partner. Some degree of sexual self-focus is required to keep our partner satisfied. So, there you have it. We seem to prefer both…a fair amount of generosity doused in selfishness. Give and take. So, selfish sex…not oh so good, not oh no bad…but a healthy mix can lead both partners to the “O” Scream!
I scream, you scream…maybe a little whipped cream?
Liar, liar, Oscar Mayer! Faking things…some things…any things…seems to come naturally to us, doesn’t it? When we’re young, we fake mom’s signature on a less than stellar grade…as teenagers, we fake our generous knowledge of sex to appease the Cool Gods…and later, we fake IDs to gain access into clubs or to get our hands on alcohol…all in attempts to complete the cool facade. As we age, we become impressively more skilled at faking it…we fake headaches to get out of sex, we fake illnesses to get out of work, we fake plans to avoid “friends” we’d rather avoid, we fake finances and careers for social adoration, we fake tans, nails, hair color, eye color, cup size, and penis size. The list goes on and on…orgasms seem a logical place holder on that list…after all, if we’re willing to fake so much, why not fill in the missing “O’s” from time to time? But, why do we fake orgasms? And, more importantly, should we?
Women have long been perceived as the dominant orgasm fabricators. Why? Because, without much physical evidence, women can easily get away with it. Let’s say…after a long, sweaty romp, she realizes that no matter how determined he is to make the fat lady sing, the curtain is just not coming up. So, she decides to hurry things along, force the curtain, and get on with show. She waits for the right moment…delights him with a few proverbial on-the-edge indicators: “oooh” and “mmmm…yes right there!”… sucks in her breath and does her best fat lady imitation…huffing and puffing, squirming and confirming, shaking…and faking…she can be quite the actress, and he’s none the wiser. Next up on stage…him! Once his standing ovation has retreated, the show is over…time for refreshments. According to research, an average of 75% of interviewed women admit to faking it occasionally. That’s the majority. So, odds are, either you’ve played the joker…or the fool… at one time or another. Either way, the question looms: Why fake an orgasm?
Why do women fake orgasms?
1. It’s just not happening. She recognizes the fact that her present climactic potential has no…well…potential…regardless of his tireless effort. She also knows that sex will continue until she climaxes. So, rather than the drag-out, she opts for the quicker, less-mess fake-out.
2. She wants to get it over with. Maybe she’s just not that into sex that night, not that into him, or not that into either. He may be doing it all wrong, and she’s not forward enough to show him what she needs. Maybe she’s exhausted from a long day, has a lot on her mind, and is finding it difficult to de-stress. A mind racing with “things to do” is as big a mood zapper as the dreaded tiny tickler. If she can’t focus on the ABC’s of sex, it’s unlikely she’ll make it to “O.”
3. She wants to avoid hurting his feelings. She’s well aware that his ego is cozily nestled in his ability to send her soaring. So, if she knows she’s grounded temporarily, she may fake it simply to protect his ego. After all, she’ll need that ego in tip-top shape for her next romp.
Of course, women aren’t the only fakers on this side of the orgasmic showdown. Men are just beginning to open up about their not-so-honest “shoot-outs.” Studies show that on average, 30% of interviewed men admit to faking orgasms at least once. And those are just the ones willing to admit it. My guess…more closet fakers lurk about. Women complain, as they should, that the media and the porn industry create this illusory voluptuous vixen as a goal for us and project that image onto men…leaving us twisted into a pretzel in an attempt to achieve the perfect balance of curves and flavor. But men aren’t trailing too far behind us. They’re now facing the same pressures…expected to possess rock hard bodies, become erect at a moment’s notice, and screw anything in female form with the longevity of the energizer bunny. But the reality is…men can’t achieve the air-brushed ever-horny myth anymore than women can. Men may be just as selective with a mate as women. And, while they’d like to, they can’t keep going and going and going. Yet, they feel the pressure to perform with such stamina. Result: an occasional fake-out. Screw the energizer bunny.
Why do men fake orgasms?
1. He’s just not that into her or the sex. She may simply not do it for him. He may have fantasies or desires that she’s unwilling to fill. Too much inhibition will eventually bore the horniest of men. Or she may be a selfish lover…allowing him to do all the work. By the time he’s done with her, he’s lost his gusto. So, if he feels he’s losing his erection and going down anyway, he may decide to go down in a blaze of glory, give her a few good thrusts, and then fake the rest. It would seem men would be hard-pressed to fake it, but that’s not always the case. Lack of evidence can be tossed away with a condom, talked away, or just not noticed in her throes of passion. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And, apparently, men and women are equally cunning…when they’re not cumming.
2. He’s over stressed and exhausted. Stress and exhaustion can deter a man’s sex drive too. If he’s overly preoccupied with work or has a lot on his mind, sex may not be at the top of his list. But he doesn’t want to disappoint her. If she’s in the mood, he’ll give it a go, whether he’s tired…or wired. He may begin the race, but not quite make it to the finish line. Faking the finale is gentler on his ego than admitting he can’t keep up the race.
3. He has performance anxiety. Stage fright. Insecurity can deflate an erection like nothing else. If he’s feeling unsure of himself, but is still expected to perform, he may not be able to orgasm.
Whatever the reason, whoever the faker, faking orgasms isn’t healthy for our sex lives. The fake “O” only succeeds in leaving one person fooled and the other unsatisfied. So, who really wins there? Not the fool…and certainly not the joker. The occasional fake-out isn’t a big deal and may be psychologically beneficial to both parties. However, faking it on a regular basis is harmful both to our sex lives…and to our relationships. By faking it, we’re being deceitful…lying to our partner. No one wants to be deceived in that way. We want to know we’re pleasing our partner…otherwise, what’s the point? And by lying about what rocks our world and sends us into orgasmic convulsions, we’re robbing ourselves of a great sex life. We have to tell, and show, our partner what we want. If our partner thinks he’s successful at bringing us to climax, he’ll continue with the same O-less methods…and continually fail to satisfy…leading us on a path of resentment and thoughts of going elsewhere for satisfaction.
Odds are coming clean with our spouse about the fake orgasms will open doors to communication…as long as it isn’t done in a critical manner. “You never ____!” “You do it wrong!” “You just can’t make me orgasm.”…all close doors, shatter egos, and cancel any future trips to “O” town. However, statements such as, “I really like it when you____.” “Can I show you something that makes me crazy?” “I need more foreplay. I’ll trade you more ____ for more foreplay.”…all open doors, preserve egos, and confirm many future trips to “O” town…first class.
Exposure is catching…exposing ourselves sexually will lend itself to exposing ourselves emotionally with our partners. If we’ll openly discuss and execute ways to please one another in the bedroom, we’re more likely to follow suit in every other room of the house. However, resentment brought on by bedroom dismay may eventually burn the whole house down. Be open, be honest, be uninhibited.
And when doing the sexual limbo, don’t stoop too low…you may just fall and miss the real “O.”
“It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.” ~ Meg Ryan ~ When Harry Met Sally
“I’ll have what she’s having.” (link to Sally’s infamous fake-out)
When it comes to sex, men seem to prefer beauty, boobs, and booty to brains. Apparently, these are the qualification indicators for “high bangability.” But, what boosts a man’s ego even more than “hitting” the hottest of the hot girls? Her orgasmic talent…in a nutshell, if and how many times she climaxes. Nothing makes a man feel more like a man than hearing her tantalizingly moan, groan, and make a “touchdown” in the end zone…over…and over…and over again. But what he doesn’t know is that her ability to provide him that satisfaction is directly related to her emotions. That rather than searching out that bodacious babe he has stamped in his mind who scores a 10 on bangability, he should be searching out an emotionally intelligent woman who will repeatedly validate his virility. Of course, there’s always the chance he may find all of these qualities in ONE woman…if he can accomplish that, not only will he have every other heterosexual man’s green-eyed monster to contend with, but he’ll also have the “How to…” book market cornered. Men aren’t the only ones “standing at attention” at the mention of orgasm delight…women are even more interested in achieving the multi-orgasmic shudder-fest. After all, it’s her world getting rocked. He simply gets to enjoy the tremors. So, what do our emotions have to do with our “bangability,” and how do we convert it into “bangable bucks?”
Studies unanimously find that women with higher emotional intelligence (EQ) have better sex and more orgasms. Yes ladies, intelligence pays…and it pays big…in the form of orgasmic currency. EQ doesn’t refer to book smarts, ACT scores, or typical IQ scores. So, your beautifully framed honor’s graduate degree from Harvard, your impeccable SAT scores, and your 4.0 average are all useful assets…on a resume…but of no use to you between the sheets. Between the sheets, it’s your emotional intelligence that’s running the show, as well as the reruns.
What exactly is emotional intelligence? It’s a woman’s ability to accurately identify, accept, and convey her feelings to others…as well as identifying the emotions of those around her. A highly emotionally intelligent woman is very much in touch with her feelings. She is able to identify and utilize her own emotions (as well as those around her) to correctly solve emotion-related problems. She is able to successfully combine her feelings with her logic and make a sound decision based on both. Because she is able to recognize and convey her feelings to her partner, she’s likely to tackle relationship problems head on, rather than brushing them under a rug, suppressing them, and hoping they’ll never again rear their ugly head…lest she’ll stomp them back into the emotionless, orgasm deprived crack in the floor…where they belong. She’s able to scan the faces of those around her and assess their feelings and thoughts. Because she easily perceives emotions in others’ faces, she’s more aware and empathetic to their feelings. She is also more adept at telling her partner what she likes and doesn’t like in the bedroom. Who knew being bossy in the bedroom translated into “O, O, O?”
Women most in touch with their feelings experienced twice as many orgasms as their more inhibited girlfriends. Studies also found that emotional intelligence isn’t determined by nature or genetics, but by nurture . When sets of twins were tested, in every case, one twin tested high on EQ, while the other tested average, or low. The twin rating highest on the EQ tests experienced more frequent orgasms and reported higher sexual satisfaction…obviously. Because it’s said to be determined by nurture, we’re not stuck with whatever emotional intelligence we presently have. It’s possible we can work on our emotional intelligence by focusing more on our feelings and effectively communicating those feelings to him. Did I just hear every man moan in anticipation? We can work to enhance it, or we can suppress and ignore our feelings… along with our orgasmic potential. So, it seems sensitivity pays for women…and indirectly, for men, as well.
Men love to hate women who are overly in touch with their feelings, as it usually implies that he will also be expected to “share” sooner or later. His idea of getting all touchy feely is, as we all know, not equivalent to her idea of getting all touchy feely. But apparently, both versions will head in the same direction, eventually. While he may not want to participate in the emotional commentary, he’s certainly eager to take credit for his sex partner’s “triple-header.” After all, he really knows how to please a woman. The proof is panting right in his awed, gratified face.
If we women learn how to use our emotional intelligence to our advantage, enhance our orgasm frequency, and rock his world, we could possibly reconstruct the “bangability” scale. Too bad multiple orgasms aren’t advertised as readily as beauty, boobs, and booty. But, let’s say a man is surveying his frequented gym…not for the perfect weight bench, but in hopes of triangulating the most “bangable” hottie within a 50 foot radius. He’s found two such girls…both similar in physique and beauty, both wearing tight t-shirts while working the treadmill. One girl’s t-shirt sports the Old Navy logo. The other bears the bold words “Multiple Orgasms” with an arrow pointing south. Which girl will he choose? hmmm. I wonder.
We know that men are visually stimulated. Now, if only we could advertise our emotional intelligence with the same enthusiasm as our physical attributes, the possibilities would be endless. And we would undoubtedly convert our EQ into “bangable bucks.” Spend them wisely…redeem one orgasm at a time.
“Feel” your way.