Love is a merciless cycle with more white knights and horses’ asses than a mall carousel. And there’s no getting off. We woo, become two, screw…and someone says “we’re through.” A heart is broken. Tweet and Repeat. When soaring high amid the heart-shaped clouds of Cupid’s fleeting bliss, the heart pays no mind to Newton’s [...]
Communication is many things. Heard, misheard, code word, wrong word… and between couples, a 4-letter word. Attempting to translate the alien language of the opposite sex proves to be difficult, frustrating, and, at times, futile. In the words of Charlie Brown’s teacher, “wa wah wa wah wah wah wa wa.” Or something like that. [...]
French kissing. Tongue wrestling. Face sucking. Lip Locking. Spit swapping. Whatever your term selection for tonguing affection, kissing is the shiznit, no? An upper persuasion for a lower invasion, as they say. If romance movies have taught us anything, it’s that a knee weakening, head dizzying, passionate tongue tango is all the erotic prodding a [...]
Saying “I do” … $20,000. First twirl of the “virginal” lily white gown around the dance floor as husband and wife … $3000. That dreamy oblivious newlywed stare as guests gorge on cake and romance… $1000. One hell of a honeymoon night romp… $2000. That sex-starved post-dreamy glazed over look of defeat after several years [...]
Admittedly, I’m not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day. Ever ornery, I resent being guilted into expressing my love by corporate greeting card money whores. Forced to say “I love you” their way…on their day. Everywhere I look…cheesy cards, heart-shaped candy, and the foolproof red rose…guaranteed to make her shed her clothes. Apparently. “V” day [...]
Thrills, chills, and squeals. Adrenaline junkies at heart! We love to hate horror movies, push our fear factor limit creeping through haunted houses, plunge from ledges with nothing but a glorified rubber band fending off the grim reaper, and flock to amusement parks in search of a thrill like hard ‘n’ horny “gentlemen” waving dollar [...]
Beauty. Society contrives it. Cover Girl revives it. Our eternal quest drives it. It’s possibly the most sought after, most elusive Godiva truffle in life’s box of Hershey’s chocolates. Unfortunately, every box of chocolates has at least one poser…appearing deliciously scrumptious on the outside, but revealing its bitter treacherous flavor upon cracking its beautiful shell. [...]
Bad health leads to doctors. Doctors to health insurance. Health insurance to stress. Stress to bad health. Round and round we go. Nothing revs our ailing engines more than America’s five-star health careless system…a system riddled with fickle coverage loopholes, high premium sinkholes, deep deductible manholes, and pre-existing condition hellholes. Notice the common denominator? All [...]
Remember youth, innocence, and naivety? When love seemed magical and effortlessly simple… black and white…a fairy tale? Young girls are inundated with expectations of idealistic love…happily ever after…you know, the stuff story books are made of – where apparently, love is an absolute…an unchanging cloud on which to float blissfully above the rest of the [...]
For some, the search for a ready-made soul mate is a lifelong, usually unfulfilled, journey. When we think of “soul mate,” we tend to envision a person who enters our life, rids it of flaws, perfects us indirectly, gives us everything we need, and sets our future into fantastical motion. Sounds egotistical, doesn’t it? To [...]
