Posts Tagged ‘attraction’
And may your nearest redeemer for frequent flirter miles not be a 3 ft tall, grammatically challenged know-it-all. Although, this little green ladies’ man seems to know his way around a flirt…and a skirt. Once again, men are left scratching their heads as the whole concept of “size matters” is shot to hell by this image of a seemingly studly Yoda regaling women with tales starring the forceful magic of his “light saber.” Tales so heroic, so sexually charged, they send women’s clothing plunging to a crumpled heap on the ground in a desperate plea of surrender. Or so says Photoshop.
Captivating I am. Seduce you I will.
Every Jedi knows the art of flirting is a mix of conversation, body language, and physical touch…and may just be our most vital form of communication. It’s the foreplay to our foreplay, so to say.
We flirt because it’s a necessary road to reproduction junction. It could be that the flirtee is just too hot to be denied our charms. And it could be that it’s just fun. Scientists say that flirting doesn’t necessarily mean attraction. That, hot or not, we’re evolutionarily programmed to be sexually alert, on our toes, and prepared for passionate throes. Married, single, or “it’s complicated” …our primitive libidos are in constant battle with modern monogamy. So, even if we’re off the market, we flirt with potential buyers to humor our libidos…and our egos. Met with success, or shaming mess, we flirt to advertise our assets…and remind ourselves we’ve still got it. When we flirt, we display our creativity, our humor, and our intelligence…flaunting our stellar skills for withstanding whatever poo pies life may throw our way (selling ourselves as the optimal life partner). But aside from our dung dodging skills, we spread our peacock feathers…display our bountiful (surgically custom) cleavage, our Baby Got Back bums, our Fabio-lously spray tanned flexing pecs, our firm afterglow-inducing light sabers. Saying, without saying, “I got that good hit! Don’t you want to bag me?”
We flirt. We bag. We ensure the survival of our genetic genius. And we settle into family life. We now have children to raise, mortgages to pay, bosses to mock, and spontaneity to block. Burdened by an endlessly overwhelming list of chores and responsibilities that would make even the most devoted Family Guy pimp out his wife for a break, we don’t take time to maintain flirting fluency with our main squeeze. The romance dies. We’re merely roommates…without benefits…tending to chores. Making it from one day to the next. We get comfortable in the notion that our spouse isn’t going anywhere. And realize…neither are we. We’re in a rut.
It’s then that we realize that somewhere along the way, we’ve become biologically washed up. With no sex life and no sex appeal, we’re no longer relevant to the circle of life. We begin to feel unwanted and depressed. We start to miss the flirt, the chase…the thrill of sexual possibilities. Ironically, both spouses will come face to face with his/her own feeling of sexual loss. However, neither will attempt to fill this void for the other. Usually because we’re both too busy trying to maintain every other relationship in the daily grind…forgetting that a happy sweetie promises a different grind altogether. We go out of our way to please other people. Bosses, friends, co-workers. Why? Because we know that our bosses, our friends, or our co-workers can, and will, walk out on us at any time. We don’t take these relationships for granted. So we see the value in the work needed to maintain them. But our spouses…we take them for granted. We don’t work on the marital relationship because it’s the one place we think we can afford to get lazy and fall asleep on the job.
Divorce…and remarriage…statistics beg to differ.
The cold hard truth is…what we take for granted, someone just around the corner is all too eager to appreciate.
Whatever the cost to our social or family life, we’re drawn to flirty appreciation like an oompa loompa to shoe lifts. It boosts our egos, stimulates our sex drives, and spices up our lives. We need to flirt to feel special…to feel connected. We need it emotionally and sexually. So, if no one is flirting with us at home, we begin to feel stagnant. We grow bored with our marriage AND ourselves. And we’re all the more receptive to outside flirts.
Marriage is monotonous…on a good day. If we want to keep it fresh and romantic, we can’t put away our dazzling peacock plumage just because we’re too lazy to strut it. We need to continue displaying our assets. Otherwise, life clouds our memory. And we both forget why we fell in love in the first place. The flirt, the tease, the challenge, the FUN…this is what keeps our spouse true and still believing in “I do.”
Why flirting with the one that matters…matters?
* It’s adult play. We never outgrow our need for play. Make your spouse your toy.
* It boosts both egos. Flirting gives us a sense of power. Whether we’re the hunter or the prey, we all enjoy a good chase. It validates our sexual worth.
* It’s the language of love…promising the continual emotional connection we seek so ruthlessly.
* It reminds our spouse that we’re still very much attracted to them…translation: “I don’t take you for granted!”
* It’s healthy for children to witness our playful love. It provides them a sense of security and models a healthy, loving relationship.
* It will eventually lead to sex. Filthy, dirty sex…somewhere.
* Be witty and challenging.
* Tackle a chore your sweetie usually takes care of.
* Wear flirty clothes…or no clothes.
* Snuggle…give back rubs or massages.
* Engage in sexy, suggestive banter. Remember, the brain is our most sexual organ.
* Compliment. Flattery will get you everywhere.
* Send romantic/sexy texts or emails…either as yourself…or the sultry stranger who’s been lusting from afar.
* Create a special hand signal (sign language) for a romantic/sexy message just between the two of you.
It’s our nature to follow the flirt. When it comes to your sweetie, turn up your tease…
Lead the way.
“It’s not my fault that I fell for you, you tripped me” ~ unknown
Beauty. Society contrives it. Cover Girl revives it. Our eternal quest drives it. It’s possibly the most sought after, most elusive Godiva truffle in life’s box of Hershey’s chocolates. Unfortunately, every box of chocolates has at least one poser…appearing deliciously scrumptious on the outside, but revealing its bitter treacherous flavor upon cracking its beautiful shell. Women, and increasingly men, will do anything to attain “beautiful” status. Diets, creams, Spanx, injections, surgeries, implants, human microwaves, electrical facials…body parts return and exchange at the customer service desk of our local Body Shop. “You hate it. We fix it ~ More bod for your buck.” And that’s just America. Other cultures are equally extreme when it comes to achieving beauty. That’s right…the quest for beauty doesn’t discriminate based on gender, skin color, religious beliefs…or planetary location. It’s a global phenomenon, and we’re but its mere minions. So, what IS beauty? Who defines it? Cosmo? Vogue? Playboy? Modeling gurus? Photoshop? Culture? And why are we so eager to conform? Why do we refuse to think outside the “beauty box?” The recipe for beauty is spelled out for us through pop culture. But maybe we should alter the ingredients, shake things up a bit…add more spice, more variety…see how the flavor changes.
Psychologists say we’re born with an innate knowledge of what’s beautiful…and what’s not. When shown different facial images, babies show a preference for attractive human faces over unattractive faces. They linger and look longer at faces adults would consider beautiful. Why? Because babies, like adults, prefer symmetry. Whether it’s patterns or faces…they choose to gaze upon symmetry. And symmetrical faces are synonymous with beauty. So, some experts hastily conclude that we’re born armed with a universal definition of beauty.
I’m skeptical. Do we like beauty because of symmetry, or symmetry because of beauty? Which is the predictor of the other? Whatever the “chicken and the egg” answer, one’s idea of beauty is much broader than symmetry alone. According to the Journal of Psychological Science, our idea of attraction seems to follow a prototype…a look we’ve come to anticipate after seeing it repeatedly…something familiar to our brains. They reported that what we find attractive is whatever requires the least amount of effort for our brain. If we grow up around a particular impression of beauty, we’ll likely maintain that impression throughout our lives. This theory would certainly explain the cultural aspect of defined beauty. Our lazy brains are forcing us to take the easy way out and conform to “beauty in a box.” Guess it’s too much effort to run the brain around the block every now and again.
Beauty, when allowed to be, is an abstract individual concept. But because we need a concrete tangible outcome to strive for, we’ve boxed it in…narrowly defined it and labeled any and all differing physical attributes as “unattractive.” Pity. It limits not only our own beauty, but our dating pool as well. And we’re not alone. In any corner of the world, we find a localized limited definition of beautiful…one boxed in by the boundaries of that particular culture.
~ In Japan, beauty is…smooth, extremely light skin tones ~ porcelain-like. Japanese women feast on collagen-infused foods to lighten their skin, scour the market for the best face whitening creams money can buy, and apply nightingale bird feces as facial masks. Wait…porcelain-pooping birds?
~ In Thailand…very elongated necks. At 5 years of age, young girls begin wearing brass rings around their necks and add more rings as they age. As their necks elongate, they’re considered more and more beautiful. Sounds awkward…but hey, with an elongated neck, they now can “look down” on their suppressors.
~ In New Zealand…lip and chin tatoos. The most desirable women have full, inky blue lips.
~ In Ethiopia…scar patterns on the stomach. The elders make cuts into young girls’ tummies to form patterns and prepare them for their impending man hunt.
~ In China…tiny feet. For centuries, women have bound up their feet to attain this “ideal” …but only managed to deform them in the process. Foot binding is no longer in practice…turns out walking did trump beauty after all.
~ In Iran…a perfect nose. Women aren’t allowed to appear sexually suggestive and must cover every part of their bodies except the face. Because the nose is the only thing to flaunt, they flock to plastic surgeons to get pricey nose jobs. And because the surgery is considered a privilege, they wear the bandages longer than necessary as status symbols. Iran is the “nose job capital of the world.” Seems you can’t suppress sexual competition after all. When all else fails, the “nose knows” how to get a man.
~ In West Africa...full heavy figures. Thin is considered sickly and undesirable. Plumpness, stretchmarks, thick ankles, big butts, and juicy arms are what land a man. Young girls are force fed to fatten them up and make them more attractive to men. Baby got back!
It’s obvious we don’t share a universal idea of beauty…preference for symmetry maybe, but that’s where it seems to end. Blonde, tan, and unrealistically thin may represent American beauty, but it would be repulsive in some cultures. Beauty means something different according to who you ask and where you ask it. For the most part, it seems beauty is largely defined by our Cultural Beast and propagated by mass media. And, mass media is our reference point for beauty, unfortunately. Self-mutilation, self-degradation, self-starvation…it seems there’s nothing we won’t do to attain that “beauty.”
In our perpetual attempt to open life’s treasure chest of love and approval, we find beauty is the key. So, we conform…or contort…ourselves to get our hands on the “key.” We want to feel beautiful, and we take extreme measures to fit into our cultural “beauty box.” But once we box ourselves in, there’s no room to grow. We become stifled and confined. True beauty comes from within. It’s dark in a box, and if we’re miserably squished into a dark space, our beauty can’t shine through. However, outside the box, away from the confines of the Beast, our beauty can grow…evolve…change…thrive.
So, don’t box beauty in and tell her what she SHOULD be. Open your mind and let her show you what she CAN be. Define your own beauty.
Challenge the beast.
“Beauty is not caused. It is.” ~ Emily Dickinson
First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes…love handles, beer guts, and muffin tops? Wait a minute…that wasn’t covered in the wedding vows, was it? I remember “For better or worse” …or maybe that was code for… “For hot or not.” Though not a topic we like to address (unless we’re wagging our finger in any direction but our own), it’s a topic most every couple finds piled on their plate sooner or later. We’ve all looked back on pre-wedding, pre-kids, pre-pounds pictures…and wondered where that once slim sexy siren slithered off to…you know…the siren that was apparently called to one too many chocolate covered emergencies, meat and potato domestic disputes, or deep fried drug deals. Busy siren. Whether it’s a few measly pounds or double digit doozies, it can tame the once wild flames of marital bliss into a faint hiss. Maybe we should more closely inspect that marriage license before giving it our John Hancock. Maybe…just maybe we overlooked the tiny, barely there disclaimer: “Warning: possible side effects may include bloating, weight gain, or widened ass syndrome?” Jokes aside. We vow to, and do, love our spouses no matter what. But, why DO we let ourselves go once we say “I do?”
While in dating mode, we’re on the hunt for our perfect mate. To attract that perfect mate, we must be in tip-top shape. After all, the first thing we’re attracted to is NOT a winning personality. Never do men scope out women and say, “Damn! Look at the brains on her!” The same goes for women. Our first impression of a man isn’t “OMG! He just radiates intelligence and wit.” No. It’s that pure animal magnetism, that gleaming “come hither” sex light in our eyes, and that sweaty hand, blushed face, crush giddiness that initially catches our interest. So, we take great care of ourselves when we’re dating. We work out. We’re well groomed, etc. etc. We’re on the market. No one wants to take home a fatty piece of meat. We want fresh lean meat! At least that seems to be what our social dictator, Mass Media, has washed our brains with. So, in competition with media pecs and butts of steel, we work on our “meat.” However, once we’ve been taken home, we’re no longer on the market. So, the pressure to stay fresh and lean is lessened. We become…comfortable. Interestingly though, with divorce comes weight loss. Once we’re back on the market, we know we better slim down. The plea to “Eat mor chikin” won’t be necessary. In this meat market, the fatty cow is simply not in demand.
An expert on the sociology of obesity, Jeffery Sobal, claims that “body weight is largely a reflection of one’s culture, socioeconomic and marital status, life stage, and ethnicity.” According to Sobal, some cultures — obviously not the U.S. — value larger rounder bodies. In this country, the higher one’s socioeconomic status, the thinner a person is likely to be. He found that the married weigh more than the unmarried, parents weigh more than non-parents, and Hispanics and African Americans weigh more than Caucasians. Sobal also found that while obese women are actually happier in their marriages than their slimmer lady friends, obese men are more miserable in their marriages than their buff male buddies. It’s hypothesized that obese women are happier because they’re aware of their diminished meat market value, internalize that negative value, and thus are content in the marriage they’ve been dealt. Here’s a twist…obese men are less likely to accept their negative meat market status and may come to project the resentment they feel for themselves onto the marriage. Hmmm, the irony!!! Typically, it’s the men internalizing and the women projecting. Oh how the tables have turned. Tables? Let’s eat!
After tracking nearly 7,000 married/living together participants, psychological studies reveal that after a few years of marriage, we do, in fact, begin to pack on the pounds. It was found that married partners were twice as likely to become obese as those simply dating. While both men AND women will put on a little weight after swapping vows, women are prone to putting on more. But then again, women’s bodies do bear children…women grow amazingly complex little people in their bodies. And having babies is so beautiful…yet SO UGLY! It inflates, twists, and knots the female body like an inexperienced clown beating the hell out of a balloon animal. Ever seen a balloon after it’s deflated? But men are visual spectators. A balloon is a balloon is a balloon. Either it’s hot…or it’s not.
Why do we put on extra weight after marriage?
* married couples attach greater meaning to shared meals (food becomes the main attraction, “together” time for family)
* we stop trying to attract a mate (we’ve wooed…and wooed…and wooed…at some point, we just have to say WHOA!)
* we decrease physical activity (after work, kids, and chores, a tight derriere is no longer topping the to-do list)
* we have babies
* we have the added stress of children, work, and providing for a family (that stress often results in unhealthy eating habits)
* we use food as a solace to fill a happiness void in our relationship (TIP: Have more sex! The sex will fill the time we may otherwise snack AND it’ll reconnect us with our sweetie! WIN…WIN)
Scientists say that just having a close relationship with an obese person (whether a friend or spouse) makes us more likely to become obese ourselves. And that if one engages in weight loss activity, the other tends to lose 5 lbs on average. In essence, we facilitate one another in one direction or the other. Why? Good old competition! As long as we’re not the fattest one in the room, we’re good.
Because we facilitate one another, experts say a few offensive moves against the post vow bulge may include:
1. Exercise — Stay active. Whether it’s walking, biking, or playing a sport, do it TOGETHER! That time spent together is bonding. And the exercise produces arousal hormones that will spice up the bedroom cardio! So, get pumpin’.
2. Creative activity – Share a hobby, not a meal! art, music, reading together…engaging in a little creative couple time puts our imaginations to use and allows us a joint escape from daily pressures without provoking that fickle zipper on our favorite pair of jeans.
3. Laugh – We can get so bogged down with stress and financial security, we forget to laugh and enjoy each other. Laughter reduces stress hormones, creates connection, and keeps our mouths preoccupied.
With marriage comes many positives and negatives. Love handles, beer guts, and muffin tops…all, of course, “weigh” in on the negative side. But here’s an interesting thought…if we put on a few extra pounds because we’re comfortable, that probably means one thing: complete and utter commitment. If we’re not perfecting our credit score, we’re certainly not looking to buy new real estate. There’s the up side! But as the saying goes, “what goes up must come down.” We shouldn’t totally let ourselves go. Too much around the MIDsection simply isn’t good for the Erection. Get comfortable…but not too comfortable. If we get too comfortable in a position, we may slip into a deep sleep and not realize that our marital comfort zone has morphed into our marital danger zone!
So get up and “SHAKE IT!”
“Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can’t even get into my own pants.” ~Author Unknown
We routinely hear single, successful women complain bitterly about men’s insecurities , as if they somehow play helpless victim to them. “I guess I’ll always be single. Men are just too intimidated by my intelligence and success.” “As soon as I tell them what I do, the conversation dies.” “They never call me after the first date. They can’t handle being with a more successful woman.” “I keep two business cards to pass out to men: one for my real career: CEO…one for my cover career…bank teller. If I give them the CEO card, they can’t get away fast enough.” Over and over, we hear this…from friends, movies, magazines, so on and so on. A similar excuse is echoed by beautiful women. “My beauty scares them away. It intimidates them.” I, for one, have never seen a man shy away from a woman simply because she’s too beautiful. Men flock to beautiful women like hypnotized mosquitoes to a bug zapper on a dark summer night. They can’t help themselves. Beauty is intoxicating, it seems. After hearing from men and employing careful consideration, I’m not so sure men ARE intimidated by beautiful, intelligent women. Maybe some beautiful, intelligent women unwittingly sabotage the potential relationship with the one characteristic they don’t think men are paying attention to: PERSONALITY. Hasn’t this been our beef with men since we had the pleasure of hitting puberty? “Why don’t men pay attention to my personality?” “Why do they only care about looks?” Beauty and brains, wonderful as they may be, do not conceal an arrogant superiority complex. That little character detail can be a deal breaker. Men putting personality over looks and brains? Who knew? Maybe our assumption that men are shallow and sex-obsessed has just returned for a big, juicy bite on our backside.
Of course, there are some men who find a beautiful, successful woman intimidating. This probably stems from his lack of education, self-esteem and confidence in sustaining a relationship with such a woman. If this is the case, the match is not a good one to begin with. In the epic search for love, one tends to attract AND be attracted to a mate who can relatively match his/her wit and intelligence. So, the question is WHO is it you’re scaring away? Is it attractive, intelligent men who you perceive as intimidated? Or is it men whose bulbs are slightly more dim with no replacement bulbs in sight? If it’s the latter, then you’ve lost nothing as it wouldn’t have lasted anyway. Less educated men will most likely be turned off by an intelligent woman only because he feels inferior. Even the most intelligent men aren’t built to feel inferior to their mates – it’s not in their DNA.
An arrogant woman who uses her beauty and intelligence as a weapon to emasculate a man is probably only doing so because she’s overcompensating for her own insecurity. In turn, once he’s run for the hills - just as she predicted - she’s just reaffirmed her notion that men are intimidated by her success. Now her fears of being alone and her insecurities in attracting the opposite sex are spinning a dizzying web in her head. This fear will instigate more arrogance. See a pattern evolving? Another hidden reason for her attempted dominance may be her way of rejecting him before she can be rejected herself. If she can convince herself that he ran away like a frightened puppy because of her superiority, she can avoid facing the fear that threatens to rock her world: It’s HER that men don’t want…not her beauty and success. This revelation will unleash a war within herself , rather than her preferred war with the opposite sex.
Generally speaking, intelligent men will appreciate intelligent women, whether beautiful or average – and vice versa. But here’s the million dollar question: are you driving off all men? If you are, then it’s likely not your beauty, brains, or success that’s doing the steering. Odds are it’s your winning personality. If you’re arrogant and coming across as if you perceive yourself as superior, why would a man (any man) want to get to know you better. You’ve already told him all he needs to know: He doesn’t want to KNOW you any better. Imagine you had the most beautiful, shiny apple you’ve ever seen. All you can think about is taking a bite out it. But before you get the chance to partake in that sinfully divine apple, you see the most vile, disgusting little worm peeking out through a tiny hole. Now I ask you. Would you want to continue and partake? Or would you politely set it down and walk away?
No matter how beautiful or intelligent a woman is – if she’s self-absorbed, rude, and peering down at you from her stiletto heel high, she just went from desirable to SCARY in the blink of her Cover Girl mascara-coated eye. While men, young and old, love to drown themselves in a beautiful woman, they prefer to be the one doing the drowning – not the one being held under and robbed of air. At what point do we stop playing victim because we find it easier to blame the unsuspecting men for our personality flaws, which we’d rather not reflect on? Maybe the old fallback line of “It’s not you…It’s me.” holds more truth than we’d like to think and warrants closer examination. So ladies, if you want to be irresistible to men, make sure you’re not letting your intelligence, success, or beauty take the fall for your personality. Remember: Be beautiful, be brainy, but lock the bitch in the kennel at home.