Seeking Sanity In His Silence

StillSearc

If there’s one thing we women aren’t equipped to navigate, it’s a one-sided conversation.  This feels about as natural to us as strapping on that delicate sexy bra over, rather than under, our favorite baggy sweatshirt.  It just doesn’t make sense to us.  Women need feedback.  We crave it.  We respond to it.  But according to men, conversation simply isn’t a valuable commodity.  However, if he knew the trade value of conversation with women, he may be eager to buy more stock.

She asks, “How was your day?”  He responds, “Fine.”  She waits for him to elaborate…fill her in.  She’ll be waiting a while.  He’s done with this conversation and is oblivious to her curiosity.  He walks away, moves on to another task, and leaves her feeling “left out” of his life.  She may push, but it’s unlikely she’ll get much more information than the mind-blowing ear-full she got the first time.  Still, she hopes.  To her dismay, her hopes are dashed by his complete disinterest in hashing out his day with her.  Resentment follows.  She may hold onto that resentment for later, more convenient use during a fight over something totally unrelated…or she may confront him immediately.  Disappointment makes for a good boomerang.  She’ll just hurl it right back his way.  But he’s blindsided by the boomerang.   He now knows that she’s angry, but left wondering “what about?”  He has no clue that she NEEDS to hear the details of his day.

Attention men:   she DOES…

Women exchange details of their lives as a means of connection.  If you’re not communicating your daily details with her, you’re not connecting with her.  Men, on the other hand, only speak with purpose.  If there’s no reason to give details, he won’t.  Ladies, it’s not personal…it’s just pointless to him.  He doesn’t need it, and he’s completely unaware of the fact that you do.  So, tell him.  Tell him that you need to know what’s going on in his life…not because you want to “control” him (which is what so many men choose to think), but as a way to stay connected to him.  Tell him…enlighten him.  He needs you to tell him what you need.  Otherwise, he’ll never figure it out…he’s not a mind reader, obviously.  Explain to him what you need…or forever hold your “peace.”

Aside from the fact that men just don’t have a need for excess talk, he may also feel intimidated by talking to you.  Let’s face it, sometimes we possess the uncanny ability to take in the things he says, swallow them, twist them, turn them, completely reconstruct them in the most negative way possible, and then regurgitate them in all their glory… right in his unsuspecting, utterly confused  face.  Poor guy.  Once we do that a time or two, he may – being the logical thinker he is – decide less is more…and be very careful about sharing his details, or feelings, the next time around.

And how many times have we asked his opinion about something, thought it over, and then proceeded to override his opinion with our own?  “Honey, what do you want for dinner?”  He replies, “Chinese.”  You come back with, “Really, I was thinking burgers?”  Now is this really a question?  Not a chance.  Burgers…it’s what’s for dinner.    So, yet again, he realizes there’s no point in his expression of thought, as it will be vetoed anyway.  Guys are linear thinkers.  So, once he figures this out,  he’s no longer interested in engaging in the “What do YOU think?” game.

There may also be a neurological reason men don’t share feelings or daily details.  Our brains are divided into left and right hemispheres.  The corpus callosum is a white matter tract connecting the two.  It’s this connecting tract, or bridge, that allows for cross-talk between hemispheres…. Studies have shown that a woman’s corpus callosum is wider than that of a man’s.  This may be why women aren’t able to compartmentalize…we can think AND feel at the same time.  Having a more narrow “bridge” for cross-talk between hemispheres may contribute to his tendency to compartmentalize…separate his feelings from his thinking.  And consequently, engage in much less conversation about how this, or that, makes him feel.

No wonder he’s not as enamored with all the mushy talk as we women are.

So, if you want to know what he’s feeling, but he’s not volunteering…be more direct.  Men don’t respond well to vague questions such as “What are you thinking?”   Rather, asking a question like, “Do you think _____?”  or “Do you feel _____?”  will draw his details out front and center.  It’s not that he’s deliberately withholding his life.  He simply doesn’t know you need to connect in this way.  Volunteering the details of who said what at the office, which project isn’t going well, and what he ate for lunch doesn’t come naturally to him.  But with the right prodding, he’ll open up…all you have to do is listen.

Because of the communication gap between men and women, we tend to think men are distant and uncaring.  But upon closer inspection, you may discover that men are quite vulnerable and full of emotion…they’re just encouraged both by nature AND nurture to hide it well.  And hide it well, they do.

Tell him what you need.  Men need AND want to know how to make you happy.  Speak his language.  “Sweetie, you need sex.  I need connection to have sex.  Connect with me…and I’ll ‘connect’ with you.  Tell me all about your day.”  You put it in those terms…you won’t have to ask him twice.  He’ll be OH so happy to oblige.  His daily details will erupt forth like lava from a volcano after a multi-century long dormant spell.  You may have to go dominatrix to shut him up and tame his “volcano.” 

Chick Hughes

Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men’s behavior is measured with a feminine ruler.  ~Francesca M. Cancian