ChickHughes

Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

Kathi B

One lover, two lovers, three lovers, four…rocking traditional marriage to the core.  For most people, just one intimate relationship is a juggling act consuming patience, sanity, and brain cells.  And those are the successful ones.  Making up most of society, these jolly jugglers are, in the interest of political correctness, “poly lover challenged.”  But for some overachievers, juggling just one love, one sex life, and one emotional minefield isn’t challenge enough.  They want more…more lovers, more drama, more sex…you know, just more.  But in exchange for more, these juggling gamblers are also willing to take on more baggage, more responsibility, more emotions, and more confusion.  Damn do-gooders!    But more could be good.  After all, we all want MORE.  It’s the American way, no?  In theory, the utopian lover smorgasbord sounds intriguing.  It resonates curiosity in any and all human minds.  Granted, we all react differently to that curiosity…but it captivates us just the same.  We’re drawn to it, mesmerized by it.  Much like a multi-car pile up on the interstate.  Too many cars…too close together…too much shared space…eventually, one car crashes into another ending the fluid traffic flow and causing mass chaos. No matter how we want to look away, the unknown outcome has a grip on us like a croc with it’s prey.  We simply can’t fight it.  We await doom…maybe it’ll come…maybe it won’t.  When it comes to group marriage, our minds are pre-programmed to expect doom…and short circuit when it never comes.  Can a polyamorous marriage be successful?  Or are we simply not able to share the “space?”

My knee-jerk reaction is no.  We’re not able to share the space.  But maybe that’s just me…perhaps I’m being narrow-minded.  After all, social improvement comes not out of conformity.  Every drastic change society makes, for better or worse, is initially met with resistance.  Poly marriages aren’t exactly a new concept.  Some of the very first marriages were ones of polygamy, with only the most revered Biblical kings holding the reins.  So, the religious stance against poly marriages, to me, seems a bit hypocritical.  Even today, some other cultures practice polygamy, as they have for hundreds of years.  Where polygamy consists typically of one man and multiple wives, polyamory allows for both spouses to have multiple loves…it technically means “many loves” and allows for a more equal playing field.  Poly pretties are suppressed no more!  This is where the difference lies.  A one-sided polygamist marriage is so chauvinist, so male ego-serving, so vomit-Bobbit inducing…it makes a liberal woman’s head spin with fury and combust in disbelief.  “Clean up on aisle polygamy!”  The brainwashing it must require to convince women they’re infinitely and irrefutably inferior!  Now that takes balls!   But hey!  It’s 2010 ladies, you can “shake, rattle and roll” with the best, or worst, of them!  Enter stage right:  polyamorous marriage…the give AND take.  Give a little booty, take a little booty…all are equal to tutti-frutti.    If a couple’s plans are to open the marriage, then open it on BOTH ends.  Otherwise, a dead end awaits.  Polyamory does just that…it refers to an open marriage with lovers coming and going OR group marriage with all participants living together and remaining monogamous within their group.  Sounds complicated.  And, according to those practicing, it IS.  But some very ambitious families make it work, or try to.

According to Deborah Anapol, PhD and expert on polyamory, people may seek out this lifestyle for many reasons:

*  to fix problems in existing relationships…humans are natural problem solvers and may consider opening the marriage as a possible fix…however, that fix will be temporary…at most

*  to mask or excuse sex addictions…providing the cover needed to get it on…and on…and on

*  to take a stand for cultural change and aim for utopian/spiritual rewards…requiring both profound self-confidence and leadership

*  to satisfy what just comes naturally to them

*  to rebel against religious prohibitions or family expectations…rebellion, not being a bad thing, is a prerequisite for personal growth and independent thought

*  to fulfill sexual or emotional desires that can’t be met with existing partners, such as unequal sex drives

Researchers say some polyamorous couples find they married too young and simply defaulted to monogamy solely because it was the norm.  But later realize that neither of them had much investment in exclusivity and recognized that the only reason to continue with it was fear of the unknown. So, tossing “No Man’s Land” to chance, they dare to venture into “All Man’s Land.”

With a whopping 50% divorce rate, the “traditional marriage” isn’t exactly a pillar of success.  Obviously, we’re doing something wrong…well, half of us anyway.  Marriage is a difficult endeavor.  We encounter stress, disagreement, and boredom…on a good day.  When braving the “scary as hell” ups and downs of a long term monogamous marriage, it’s only natural that some of us jump the track every now and again.  Some opt for divorce.  Some opt for an affair.  Some opt for polyamory.  Depending on perspective, any of which, may be an attempt to satisfy all needs involved…adult, family, and kids’.  Who’s right?  Who’s wrong?  Which is better?  Which is worse?  Who’s to say?  One thing is definite though.  Our brains control our words, movements, physical feelings, decisions.  But with all of it’s control, it remains but a mere minion to the heart.  Our heart, the rebel.  Whatever social norms dictate as an accepted marriage…whatever our minds tell us is the right thing to do…whatever we want to do…our hearts have a “mind” of their own.  What may seem practical to the  mind isn’t always realistic to the heart.  We can’t control what we feel.  And what we feel changes throughout the course of our lifetime, regardless of the boundaries we attempt to impose.

Some psychologists argue that humans are not monogamous by nature.  And that we defy our very biology by practicing such.  Yet others argue that while we may not be monogamous by nature, monogamy is a social tool invented to create harmony and aid in the raising of children.  A secure growing environment for the sake of our future society.  But we’re well aware that this security will be challenged time and again by the vast array of variables popping up in a marriage like a child’s game of Whac-A-Mole.  Whatever the variables, a monogamous social structure does, in fact, help to maintain some semblance of family order.  Critics of polyamory say marriage and family are sacrificed by this lifestyle.  Advocates dispute that claim and say the opposite holds true.  They say the expanded family provides more support and unity…that opening up a relationship depends on the individuals involved.  When two or more people are well matched, opening it usually makes them stronger…when not well matched, it can be destabilizing.  They insist it’s, by no means, an easy way out.  But, instead, a compromise that requires HONESTY above all else…honesty about biological needs, honesty about feelings, honesty about desires.  Maybe we monogamists aren’t so honest with ourselves?  Or maybe we are…but realize our limitations.  Different strokes…different folks.

The emotion to stir the most commotion is jealousy — both ugly and destructive.  While we may not be monogamous by nature, we’re certainly jealous by nature.  And that jealousy is deeply rooted in insecurity. Another emotional downfall we use as a slip-n-slide.  Regardless of what some experts say, it seems that pair bonding is a natural behavior.  When placed in a group of people, we tend to pair up.  We find the one we mesh with most, have the most in common with, and begin knitting our match…our go-to “booty”.  And anything that comes between us and our “booty” is competition.  We DON’T like competition.  Women, in particular, will lie, cheat, steal, and reveal anything to remain in his favor.  In the situation of 4 or more live-in loves, we’ll worry… “Does she like him more than me?”  “Is she better in bed than I am?”  “What does he give her that I don’t?”  It’s human nature…the insecurities, the fears, the jealousy.  When we subconsciously pick favorites…and we WILL…insecurity will fester and multiply quicker than Octomom, herself.  Even when we think we’re “choosing” not to choose one, the heart will seek out the one who makes it beat the hardest.  Leaving another heart broken.

As I’ve researched this topic, one theme continues to emerge…the human struggle for happiness.  We crave intimacy, love, and sex…and we’ll do anything to get it.  If that means monogamy, so be it.  No social confines there.  If  it means risking social conformity and abandoning monogamy in the hopes of securing ideal love AND sex…some are brave enough to leap into that social piranha pool.  Different people, different ideas, different paths…same desired destination.  Whatever the means, the motive is the same:  love and sex…sex and love.  So, take your own stand on monogamy vs. polyamory.  But don’t pull the legs out from under another’s.

It seems the heart and the libido are ever negotiating for happiness, satisfaction, give and take.  If we begin with one, two (me and you)…and then decide to add a few, perhaps the few we’ll be adding will be named Competition, Jealousy, and Insecurity.

It’s my firm belief that the Few will inevitably wipe out the Two.  Unfortunately, such is the tale of our jealous nature.

The polyamorous equation is open and ever changing:  One, two…add a Few.

But as a monogamist, my equation remains:  One, two…skip the Few.

Which are you? 

Chick Hughes

Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. ~Albert Einstein

clshearin

Nice guys finish last…according to nice guys, that is.  It’s hard to argue hay semantics when it’s coming straight from the horse’s mouth.  But that doesn’t stop us from trying.  We women will go out of our way, climb to the top of the tallest building, and shamelessly yell our love for nice dependable guys from the rooftops.  But, all the while, we’ll keep one roaming eye on the alley below for any sign of the taboo bad boy sexpot.  Much like men, we may control our words, but our lusty loins will betray those words and wave our rebel flag.  Despite our persistent delusional denial, men, naughty AND nice, are painfully aware that our words and our actions rarely sync up.  We hate admitting that we do, in fact, find the proverbial “bad boy” alluring.  But, hey…when it comes to OUR good, bad, and ugly sides…we like to air our good,  conceal our bad, and deflect our ugly.  So, we’ll keep up the charade and continue begging our chosen bad boy to play nice, while stringing our “nice guy” puppet  along at arm’s length.  Poor guys…they complain, “I don’t understand women.  I have no idea what they want.”  Well don’t worry…neither do we!   Our minds tell us we want a nice guy, but our bodies are carrying picket signs in retaliation.  So the question remains:  Do nice guys get the shaft while naughty guys get the girl?  Guys say yes.  Girls say no.  We claim to want a nice guy, but given the choice, we’re dropping our panties for his polar opposite.

So, which is it?  Do nice guys finish first…or “come” last?

Studies show that bad boys do, indeed, get more girls and have a larger number of sexual partners.  As if we didn’t know.  Psychologists say the bad boy is a confident extrovert with high self-esteem, a narcissist displaying impulsive behavior, a sexually open risk-taker with little or no regard for those around him.  All traits that have, through time, been evolutionarily successful.  Seeing a person one wishes to meet and hook up with is titillating.  But the confidence, courage, and indifference to make it happen are handy traits to possess when trying to keep the genes moving, no?  Now why would we want to pass down “those genes” to our children?  And, why do we find the men who possess them irresistible?  This question stumps not only the average Joe, but the experts as well.  Scientists say that, logically, women would come to link altruism to sexual selection.  “If he’s good, honorable, and trustworthy, he’ll make an excellent provider and parent AND pass the altruistic genes down to our children.”  But they’re dumbfounded because women have somehow detoured from that very logical destination and taken a temporary off-ramp to Bad Boy Bangtown.  Hmmm, why is that?  I’m sorry…did they say “logically?”  Wait!  Is it “logical” to assume women would be logical?  Women aren’t logical beings.

Seriously…is this news?   When do women EVER operate on logic?  Women operate on emotion…and emotion is a fickle, fickle companion EVER manipulated by hormones!  Even the average Joe has this figured out, but the scientists are still scratching their heads.  Scratch this…women defy logic.  We’re illogically complicated…but well worth the itch. 

Researchers agree: one male trait, in particular, is directly correlated to number of sexual partners…agreeableness.  The more agreeable he is, the less sexual partners he’s had.  The less agreeable, the more sexual partners.  And, of course, this trait goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned self-centered traits.  But with those socially perceived negative traits come others:  confidence, mystery, spontaneity, creativity, independence, excitement, and dominance.  Women are biologically attracted to high levels of testosterone.  A bad boy is likely to possess much higher levels of testosterone.  A high level of testosterone creates a confident go-getter male and communicates one thing to women:  a dominant power house.  Male dominance makes women weak in the knees and anxious to open them.  This is evident even in animals.  Males in every animal species struggle to assert dominance.  Why?  To get the goods, of course.  The goods…the girl…the booty.  It’s the circle of life.  And the more dominant the male, the more bootylicious the goods.

Then again, maybe the secret to her bad boy love affair is dopamine…the feel good hormone commonly referred to as the pleasure chemical.  It makes us feel sinfully good…even high, much like cocaine or amphetamines.  Our bodies release this “happy” drug into our bloodstream when we feel danger or risk.  And the bad boy poses many risks, does he not?  Deviation from social norms, danger, taboo, sexual freedom…you know…all the things our mothers warned us about…the same things we secretly daydream about.  This is why romance novels are successful.  It’s rarely Mr. Nice guy she’s desperately in love with.  Where’s the challenge in that?  That “bad boy” allows us to explore our inner frisky, R-rated, “bad girl.”  The risque behavior releases dopamine.  The dopamine makes us feel alive and vivacious.  Therein lies the allure.  But that’s not all.  Scientists speculate the bad boy’s hard package may not be the only thing rubbing off on us.  They hypothesize that his confidence may do some rubbing of its own, leaving US feeling more powerful and sexy.

That naughty guy leaves us feeling high, sexy, powerful, AND protected…is it any wonder we can’t get enough?

We like nice guys too.  However, there’s a difference between nice guys and lapdog guys.  Lapdog guys are overly nice.  In the words of Chelsea Handler, “What…a turn off!”  The neediness.  The dependence.  The kissing our metaphorical ass.  “I don’t care…what do you want to do?  I want what you want.  Making you happy makes me happy.”  After we’re done gagging on the crap we’ve just be fed, we become skeptical of his “consideration” and wonder if he’s just a no self-esteem wuss shifting responsibility onto us.  Confidence is sexy in men AND women.  Man up…but don’t be inconsiderate.  “If you don’t mind, I’ve been wanting to try this new restaurant.”  OR “I’d love to stay in and screw you all night.  Is that alright?” 

All kidding aside…women want both.  We’re initially attracted to a bit of a bad boy persona…the confident, independent, sexually open power player.  But in moderation, please.  Approach us like a cocky Simon Cowell condescendingly highlighting our flaws, with your nose in the air, your stash of cash leaping from your wallet, and your pants around your ankles…we’ll likely label you an asshole, thank you for the tour of “Uranus” and vow never to return.   An edgy bad boy (in moderation) will attract us at first, but it’s the nice (not overly nice) guy who’ll keep us around.  We want dominance with a touch of sensitivity.  Hard on the outside, but soft and juicy on the inside.

I can hear the frustrated groans of men everywhere.  Women want us to be a “nice bad boy?”  How the hell do we pull that off?  Balance.  After all, men want the same from us.  The perfect wife must balance being the conservative loving caretaker by day…the sultry sexy whore by night.  Not easy, but it can be done.  And when it is, it’s pure perfection.

So guys…we want it all.  We want the naughty AND the nice.  In that order. 

Nimble and naughty wins the race…but slow and sweet secures his place.

Chick Hughes

“Last guys don’t finish nice.” Saul Alinsky

Dmitry

Best time of day for sex?  Hmmm, most male responses are quick, simple, and  to the “point.”  All woodies stand united… “Anytime!”  Female responses, however, are less united, more complicated, and chock-full of “if” or “when” clauses.  “If the kids are in bed.”  “When the chores are done.”  “If I don’t feel fat.”  “When you’ve had a bath.”  A man could be diligently working against a fast approaching deadline with 3 kids hanging from his arms and neck displaying a mix of maniacal laughter and antagonistic screaming, a ripe diaper clogging his airway, and angry emails streaming in from his boss.  But flash a boob and whisper “take me” in his ear, and POOF…it all fades away.  Forget the boss, the emails, the dirty diaper, the kids, the screaming.  He’s ready to put boner to groaner.    Lay all of those distractions on a woman, and sex won’t even get “standing room only” in her over-crowded brain.  Why?  Men can compartmentalize, lock away all problems, and focus only on sex.  His mentality:  “Everything else can wait on sex.”  A woman’s brain is not equipped to compartmentalize.  So, she’s forced to focus on all pending problems at once.  Her mentality… “Sex can wait on everything else.”   When trying to get on the same page sexually…kids, work, bills, and household chores can rip up not just that page, but the whole book.  Forget the nookie.  So, how do we reclaim our nookie and get our sexual urges in sync?

A couple can be generally in sync in terms of sexual urges, only having spurts of time when that synchronization is put to the test due to daily stressors.  However, a couple can also be out of sync on a larger, more encompassing, scale…with the daily stressors becoming deal breakers.  This larger scale of sexual discord was discovered a century ago, when two western scientists (Swoboda and Fliess) separately recorded that, like the cosmos, our bodies have cyclic waves that measure energy patterns and dynamics in our relationships…these waves are called biorhythms.  According to this theory, we have 3 different biorhythms:  physical (which regulates sexual urge/activity, strength, speed, coordination, and endurance) having an approximate 23 day cycle, emotional (which regulates mood) having an approximate 28 day cycle, and intellectual (which regulates thinking, wit, and problem solving) having an approximate 33 day cycle.  These biorhythms are based on our birthdays and determine how compatible (sexually, emotionally, and intellectually) we are with members of the opposite sex.  As one would guess, the physical cycle is dominant in men…the emotional cycle in women.  This research concluded that the more compatible a couple’s biorhythms, the more dynamic their relationship.  And the more compatible that couple’s physical biorhythms, the more in sync their sexual urges.  While some scientists have dismissed this theory, others are still studying them and their effects on our relationships.  Whatever the reason for some scientists’ dismissal, women have monthly proof that our bodies operate on some cyclic…or psychotic…wave.

Aside from the cosmic wave theory, men and women have hormone surges at different times of the day.  And those hormones are affected by random variables, which can lead to an orgasmic light show…or a dark, sexless power outage.  Go toward the light!

When are men most “up” for sex?

Men will tell you “anytime…all the time.”  No conditions.  But his testosterone levels are highest first thing in the morning, typically — but not restrictive to — the hours between 6 and 9 a.m.  We’ve all awaken to his “morning glory.”  With a raging hard-on, he’s definitely in the mood to put it to some use.  Can we blame him?  After all, it IS a great way to start the day.  After mid-morning, his inflated testosterone begins to lose it’s air.  But come lunch, he’s ready yet again.  Time for a nooner! By early evening, he’s open for business and offering sales.  “Two orgasms for the price of one.”   “Get ‘em while you can!”  But according to the research, by 10 p.m., he’s fighting the sandman.  And his testosterone level needs recharging for the upcoming morning salute.  So, it seems men are up for sex most of the time.

When about women?

Women are more complicated.  While men can get it on anytime and use sex as a way to de-stress, a woman’s body often requires an emotional or intellectual connection to get in the mood, and  needs to de-stress before sex.  But once her body and mind catch up to one another, she’ll be OH so ready.  Though waking up to his Erection Perfection is deliciously enticing, things like — “80′s hair gone bad” bed-head — deadly “sew your mouth shut” dragon breath — and a “touch me, I pee” bursting bladder — will kill any mood she can muster first thing in the morning.  She prefers to prepare for the event, clean up, and feel sexy…she also prefers he do the same.  According to the research, her endorphin levels are optimal between the hours of 8 and 10 a.m.  After 10, she has a dip in hormonal surge.  But,  just after noon, she’s frisky again.  After that, she’s likely done until early evening.  Once she gets her “to do” list out of the way and kids in bed, she’s in the mood for a little shopping.  And, of course, she loves a good sale… “two orgasms for the price of one…SOLD.”  With her chores out of the way, she can focus on sex.  Typically, women prefer night sex.  Why?  A.  She has less distractions clouding her mind at night.  AND   B.  Candlelight is much more figure-friendly than harsh daylight.  She’ll feel sexier and less insecure.  But don’t dawdle!  By 10 p.m., he’s not the only one winding down.  Exhaustion sets in for her as well.

According to the experts, men AND women are in sexual sync (hormonally speaking) around 9 a.m., 1 p.m.,  and again around 8 p.m.  During these times, the window is completely open and large enough for both to “come” through.  Any other time of day, and the window may be only half open.  So, take advantage while you can!

Of course, this is a guide.  Men and women will vary on when they’re in the “mood to be screwed.”  Lots of things come into play.  Kids, for example.  Anyone who has small children will tell you to grab sex when you can…whether it’s a planned rendezvous once they’re in the bed, or jumping in the closet for a quickie in between cartoons and potty breaks.  Keeping the passion alive is key to a good sex life.  That requires flexibility, innovation, and patience.

Be flexible…be open to different positions or experiments.  Make sure your partner knows you’re open to suggestions.  Nothing excites a man more than knowing she’s open and won’t shame him over secret desires.  The same routine gets boring after a while.  Changing the ingredients will spice it up and increase dopamine in the bloodstream, which will increase passion.

Be innovative…the bed isn’t the only place for sex, and just before bed isn’t the only time for sex.  Relocate and initiate!  Lock yourself in the bathroom for a quickie in the middle of the day.  The kids won’t kill each other in 10 minutes time.  Sneaking away for a few minutes, having fun, and getting freaky when we shouldn’t bonds us as a couple.  Sex has to be hot AND fun.

Be patient…if she isn’t in the mood at the moment, give it time, and pamper her.  A little naked massage or couch cuddling can go a long way.  It gives her time to reconnect mentally.  Once she does, she’ll reconnect sexually.

Getting in sexual sync can prove difficult.  But good sex — after kids and many years of marriage — doesn’t come easy….though many of us think it should.  It’s work.  It requires connection…that connection requires effort.  And great sex is definitely worth the effort.    So, work it!

Morning, noon, or night?  Doesn’t matter.  Just do it!

Right?

If interested, you can test your physical biorhythm compatibility here…  http://www.oliveyou.net/biorhythm.jsp

Chick Hughes

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” ~ Billy Crystal

creationc

Girlfriends?  Boyfriends?  Or just friends?  Can men and women be friends without benefits?  We seem to think so.  However, I’m skeptical…for this is a question that, in all marriages, may just come “up” more often than he does.  Can my sweetie be “just friends” with a person of the opposite sex?  Well…maybe…if that person has a third eye, ear, or boob…and the extra boob disclaimer is iffy…that could backfire.  We first need to define “friend.”  A friend isn’t one of the hundreds of faces and statuses we see daily on social networks.  It isn’t a co-worker we see only at the office and speak to in passing, or even chat with in spurts.  And it isn’t the doorman, delivery man, or handyman we see and touch base with a few times a week.  Discussing mundane details regarding the sweltering weather or the day-to-day details of our riveting existence does not a friend make.  These are acquaintances, at best.  Then there are the friends we grew up with and still consider great friends, but only speak to occasionally and see even less.  With very little time to nourish the relationship…of course, we can manage these “friendships.”  And sometimes, not.    The “friend” I’m referring to — the one that blurs the line — is the one with whom we share our deepest secrets and feelings, hang out with regularly, grab a bite or a movie with,  or call when we’re upset or excited…the one we look to for emotional support. Our shoulder to cry on.  Our ear to rely on.

For THIS is the male/female “friendship” standing trial.  The charges:  providing a pick-me-up, tripping us up, and ending in breakup.

We’re so sure we, ourselves, can successfully have platonic friends…yet not so sure about our spouses.  If our partner does develop a close friendship with someone other than us, we can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy…wonder why he/she needs that friend (aren’t we enough?)…obsess over just how “friendly” they are, or will be.  Before long, our imagination has eaten away at our brain and sanity like a nosy live-in mother-in-law on steroids.

However, psychologists now say a successful cross-sex friendship is not only possible, but beneficial.  Possible out of necessity…the idea that men and women couldn’t be friends, they say, came into play before women entered the workplace and had no reason, aside from romantic, to hang out with men other than their husbands.  They say men and women have been forced to successfully manage friendships due to working conditions.  Forced to…yes.  Successful at…questionable.  (So, according to this theory…if we force a sexual tension, the tension will dissolve?  I think workplace affairs have “blown that willy” out of the water.)

Experts say a cross-sex friendship is also beneficial to both men and women.  Men find they’re able to confide in and open up to a female friend in a way they simply can’t do with another guy.  This freedom to confide gives men a “shoulder” and benefits them emotionally.  Women, on the other hand, find they can be more laid back with a guy friend…walk on the lighter side a bit.  She’s able to temporarily escape the drama that lurks among women like the grim reaper…eager to take our souls over just one wrong word at just the wrong time.  Breaking news:  Women are sensitive and easily offended.  These benefits, though, are undeniably evident.  It’s also reported that in order for us to manage this successful cross-sex friendship, certain precautions must be made.  We must be up front, open, and honest about our friendship.  Address a possible sexual attraction.  Agree on how to handle that attraction.  Negotiate what the relationship means…define it.  And establish boundaries.  If we define and manage it, psychologists say, a platonic friendship is very much possible.  Men and women can, in fact, be friends.

The defense rests.

How very optimistic of them.  Life always goes according to plan, doesn’t it? 

And now…the prosecution.  The psychologists have determined one thing…yet, proven another through studies, interviews, questionnaires, etc.   One study consisted of 150 professional men/women.  Sixty-two percent of them reported sexual tension present in their cross-sex friendships.  Men claimed that sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship in the first place.  Hmmm, really?  A separate study questioned 1,450 members of Match.com.  The answers were oh so contradictory and proved us to be optimistically hypocritical.

~ 83% believed men and women could be platonic friends.

~62% say they’ve been engaged in a platonic friendship that has crossed the line.

~94% say it’s possible to fall in love with someone who starts out as a friend.

~71% hope that once they find a romantic partner, that partner would have been a friend first.

So, the majority asked declared with certainty that men and women could be friends without sex ever entering the equation; however, this same majority admitted to crossing the line, falling in love with a friend, and hoping to marry a friend.  Get a calculator!  This doesn’t quite add up.  Wishful thinking, perhaps?

Cosmo has done its own informal questionnaire.  Findings confirm that most men wouldn’t mind if a platonic friendship moved to the next level.  It also found women truly believe they can be friends with the opposite sex…believe being the operative word.  Eighty percent of the women interviewed underestimate just how often their male friends are attracted to them.  I’ll now refer back to the previous result in which men declared a sexual attraction to be the main motivator for initiating a friendship.  It seems we attempt to be intellectually driven, but remain a slave to our loins.  Our minds may be evolved, but our animal drive to mate refuses to make the transition.  Damn sex drive!

Psychologists also say that males and females participate in “voluntary gender segregation.”  This refers to our tendency to group up with members of the same sex.  “NO GIRLS ALLOWED!”  Sound familiar?  From the time we’re tots, we gravitate towards same sex groups.  We tend to stay in these groups until we reach puberty, lest we catch “cooties.”  Our main motivator for leaving and seeking out members of the opposite sex is our looming sex drive.  Once we settle on a mate and marry, we once again find ourselves gravitating towards members of the same sex for recreational fun.  And achieving and maintaining a “friend” of the opposite sex becomes more difficult…why?  Jealousy!  We know what that “friend” is thinking, don’t we?  Because that’s what we’d be thinking…though we’d never admit it.

So, can men and women be friends?  We seem pretty enthusiastic, in theory, that we’re perfectly capable of separating romance and friendship.   But, as the studies indicate, that very thin line can blur quicker than the vision of a drunk on a tilt-a-whirl.  When it comes to applying the theory and taking one of two routes, the libido seems to be the path of least resistance.  Plenty of short-cuts and few stop lights.

When put on the stand and asked the infamous question, “Can men and women be friends?”  we say “Yes, absolutely, men and women can be friends.  Sex won’t get in the way.”  But are we kidding ourselves?  Are we denying our own animal instincts?  Convincing ourselves we’re better than that.  Are we better than that?  When it comes to the case of male/female friendships…are we perjuring ourselves?

Can men and women be “just friends?”  It seems the jury is still out.  I think not.  But you decide.

Chick Hughes

“Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable” Oscar Wilde

jeffphoto

If he has a pulse and a penis, he does it.  He looks.  He lingers.  He lusts.  While alone, his eyes are free to roam and take in the sights of all approaching T & A mountainous hillsides.  And he will…guilt-free.  However, while accompanied by his lady love, the hills have eyes.  And those eyes will burn him like the fires of hell if he’s caught checking out the view.  We’ve all felt said heat from time to time.  Let’s say…we’re out enjoying a nice night as a couple, when a sultry sexpot sashays by…seemingly, with the intention of owning every set of male eyes within a 5 mile radius.  He struggles to maintain control of his strong-willed peepers.  She awaits the inevitable turn of his head, as if an invisible string connects his nose to that sashay.  He tries, and fails, to cover his distraction.  Too late.  Not only did she notice, but she counted the seconds as his “distraction” sashayed by.  Upon regaining control of his eyes, he’s now aware of his mistake and awaits his fate.  Suddenly on the defense, he must dodge the onslaught of questions…  “Were you looking at her?”  “Do you think she’s pretty?”  “Have you no respect for me?”  He freezes…wondering at what turn his words will betray him.   And they will.

Though dramatic, this is a situation none of us is unfamiliar with.  And, yes, ALL men check out other women while in our charming company.  Some are more tactful about it, and wisely hover just under the radar with the grace and splendor of an eagle.  Others, not so much, and ignorantly flail around over that radar like a one-winged vulture frantic to get its last meal.  Graceful or flailing…they look.

Women want to know WHY?   “Am I so unattractive that he must look elsewhere?”  And men want to know why she cares?  “Why is it such a big deal that I glance in another woman’s direction?”

Ladies, he simply can’t help it.  He’s biologically programmed and dominated by his testosterone to check out any and all attractive women who cross his path.  While his ogling may offend us, it’s completely meaningless to him.  He’s only noticing and appreciating.  With this glance comes no desire, nor intention, to jump ship and  rock someone else’s boat.  Well, not always.    In truth, he attaches no feeling to his ogling object, whatsoever.  Experts say that when men are checking out other women, they unconsciously depersonalize them.  So, it’s nothing more than a once-over…then-over moment of admiration.  This depersonalization, experts believe, is a byproduct of human evolution…a method once used to ensure drama-free spread of his seed.  His primal goal was but one:  to mate.  No emotion, no commotion…wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

This is why men don’t understand what all the fuss is about.  To him, looking is as natural as breathing.  He’s irrevocably hard-wired to look at attractive women.  It’s the nature of the beast.  Studies on brain scans reveal that men have “reward centers” that are triggered when looking at images of women’s faces and bodies.  Breaking news:  Men are visual creatures.  Now close your mouths.  The simple act of looking at attractive women rewards his brain and encourages him to do it again…regardless of the consequences.  The study also proved the reverse situation not to be true.  When looking at attractive men, women did not have a “reward center” triggered in her brain…different brains, different gains.

Biological facts aside, men must understand that she feels threatened by his sudden visual vacation.  Guess what though!  She’s looking too!  She’s checked out her competition just as quickly as he has…maybe quicker.  And while she may not be able to look away any easier than he, the last thing she needs is his validation that she’s fallen a notch on his hot-o-meter.  And when he does validate her fall, she gets angry.  Her anger isn’t driven by jealousy, but by insecurity.  She may feel hotter than a busty stripper in the Sahara desert, but let a slightly hotter female catch his eye…and she’s a slave to her insecurity.  She’s well aware of how visual men are, so if she loses his eye to another…even for a second…her loss of confidence eats at her, and at the most inopportune time…you guessed it…sex!  If she’s feeling insecure come bump ‘n’ grind time, she’ll likely invent an excuse to avoid it.  Guys, it’s in your best interest to keep your visual dessert desires to yourself if you want to enjoy the entree. 

The last thing she wants is to be compared to a hotter woman…feeling inferior isn’t good for the ego.  And fellas, if the tables were turned, and she were ogling a hotter guy whose “goods” were wrestling with his shorts like an anaconda in a body bag…the same insecurity would fester.  Each of us is subject to being emotionally bullied by our “less than lusty” self perception.

Ladies, it isn’t rational to ask him not to notice other women…EVEN when in our company.  Asking him not to be visual is the equivalent of asking us not to be emotional.  Both are biological quirks we have little control over.  But any control we can muster will greatly enhance our relationship with the opposite sex.  Just as we should scale back the irrational tears and attempt to spare him excess drama, he should make the same attempt to spare us the visual lust fest he feels when crossing paths with a hottie body.  Too much emotion is just as foreign to him as dog-in-heat drooling  is to her.

The least we can do is be aware of our biological nature and the feelings (be them positive or negative) brought on by that biology.  Yes, he has a basic, unfettered need to size women up.  Always has.  Always will.  Ladies, accept him…all of him.

From his thighs to his eyes.

Try not to be insulted.  Remember, it’s not personal…it’s instinct.  He places much less importance on a lingering glance than we do.   And guys…keep the ogling at bay…notice, appreciate, and quickly move on.  Lingering will kill her self-confidence, which in turn, will kill your sex life.  Your wham bam is only as good as her biggest insecurity.  Make her feel good, and she’ll return the favor.  Leaving you saying, “Thank you ma’am.” 

Tame the wandering eye, and she won’t have to wonder why.

Chick Hughes

“After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.” Helen Rowland

tnimalan

Red, yellow, green, or blue…which color would you do?    Different colors signify different things to us…green means go, yellow means slow, red means stop, red and blue mean COP.  These are color indicators we’re overtly aware of, which is why they’re abundantly used throughout society.  But there are some color indicators we’re unaware of…colors that influence our attitudes, feelings, and sexual desires…colors that make us happy, sad, sappy, mad..and, yes, horny.  Psychologists have long studied the effects of color on our thoughts and feelings, but they’ve just recently nailed a color that, ironically, we also want to “nail.”  What color?  Red, rouge, and rojo.  It seems red is subconsciously our sexual primary color of choice…and while we may like many other colors on a mate, it’s actually red that gets us “a-head.”

Two psychologists at the University of Rochester completed the first documented study on this topic when they conducted several experiments to learn which color we find most sexually attractive on a mate.  They gave men and women pictures of the opposite sex to rate in terms of attractiveness, sexual desire, likability, intelligence, and kindness…with each individual’s picture appearing many times either framed in different colors or dressed in different colored clothing.  What they found was that red was the sexual color of choice for both men AND women.  Given the same candidate dressed, or framed, in red vs. another color, most subjects reported being more sexually attracted to the one in red.  Not only were they asked to rate the attractiveness of the candidates, but men were also asked to imagine a hypothetical date with the candidates in red vs. the candidates in alternate colors.  The men were then asked, “If you had $100 in your wallet for a date with this person, how much would you spend?”  The lucky ladies in red were hypothetically treated to a more expensive date…fancier restaurants, flowers, etc.  Hmmm, men willing to spend more money on women they find hotter and more sexually promising?  What a novelty!  Of course, the head leading that date isn’t concerned with money…finances is not the “job” it signed up for. 

These findings were consistent across all cultures and countries…yes, we have a universal unprejudiced love affair with the sexual high of “scarlet fever.”  While the color red greatly affected attractiveness and sexual desirability, it made no difference when the subjects were rating perceived intelligence, likability, or kindness.  However, when it comes to sex, red seems to bring out the devil in us.  And psychologists say men and women are completely unaware of our crimson weakness…that it’s a subconscious reaction to our biology.  But we seem to be aware of it on some level.  We obviously associate red with carnal passion…from red lipstick to accentuate our sultry puckers…to innocent, but alluring, red hearts and lingerie on Valentine’s Day…to the not-so-innocent Red Light District’s infamous crimson glow luring adults to sex as shamelessly as the ice cream truck lures pig-tailed cuties and smudged-faced cooties with its  mind-numbing tunes and over-priced drumsticks.  So, it seems a safe assumption that we have some mental cognizance of our sexy red addiction…however conscious it may be.

Scientists hypothesize that men and women prefer the color red for entirely separate, but like reasons.

Why are men hot for red?

It’s thought that a man’s obsession with red can be traced back to his evolutionary roots.  When nearing ovulation, female primates, such as baboons and chimpanzees, swell and redden around the genitals.  Past research has proven that male primates are most attracted to the females displaying the brightest, reddest derrieres…for she proves to be the “hostess with the mostest.” Perhaps a preference for red is simply his primitive horny self rearing it’s not-so-ugly “head.”  They say men are animals…who knew we’d get proof?

Why are women?

Scientists believe women also prefer red for evolutionary reasons.  But while men are searching out the most opportune sexual escapade, women are scouting out the most powerful alpha male to lead her pack.  Some male primates, such as mandrills, bear red status symbols upon their chests, which assert their rank and dominance among other male primates.  The brighter shade of red, the more powerful the primate.  This seems to be an evolutionary eye candy that stuck.  In ancient cultures around the globe, the color red has been ever used to convey prosperity and power.  Even today, we roll out the red carpet for celebrities or prestigious power houses.  It seems red always has been, and always be, a dominance indicator.   While women like to mockingly refer to men as animals,  her animal within still flashes her backside for the richest, reddest chest-beater on two legs.

Whether we’re aware of it or not, red gets us hot.  It seems red translates sexual readiness for women…and powerful dominance for men.  Better said, women seek red for leader of the pack…men seek it for a night in the sack.

In the animal kingdom red says “Go…Now!”  However, regardless of our biological cues, we’ve managed to redefine red.  In our society, red conveys “stop” and “danger.”  Red stop signs, red lights, etc.  So, I can’t help but wonder…are we actually unaware of our sexual red fetish?  Or are we aware, but just that repressed?  Anything too sexual in our culture, we refuse to address…and instead, repress.  Have we subconsciously taken the green light out of our red sexual intersection?

Maybe it’s time we release our inner animal, embrace our blushing cheeks, and take red…to bed. 

Chick Hughes

“When in doubt wear red.” ~ Bill Blass quotes

juliaf

Liar, liar, Oscar Mayer!  Faking things…some things…any things…seems to come naturally to us, doesn’t it?  When we’re young, we fake mom’s signature on a less than stellar grade…as teenagers, we fake our generous knowledge of sex to appease the Cool Gods…and later, we fake IDs to gain access into clubs or to get our hands on alcohol…all in attempts to complete the cool facade.  As we age, we become impressively more skilled at faking it…we fake headaches to get out of sex, we fake illnesses to get out of work, we fake plans to avoid “friends” we’d rather avoid, we fake finances and careers for social adoration, we fake tans, nails, hair color, eye color, cup size, and penis size.  The list goes on and on…orgasms seem a logical place holder on that list…after all, if we’re willing to fake so much, why not fill in the missing “O’s” from time to time?  But, why do we fake orgasms?  And, more importantly, should we?

Women have long been perceived as the dominant orgasm fabricators.  Why?  Because, without much physical evidence, women can easily get away with it.  Let’s say…after a long, sweaty romp, she realizes that no matter how determined he is to make the fat lady sing, the curtain is just not coming up.  So, she decides to hurry things along, force the curtain, and get on with show.  She waits for the right moment…delights him with a few proverbial on-the-edge indicators: “oooh” and “mmmm…yes right there!”… sucks in her breath and does her best fat lady imitation…huffing and puffing, squirming and confirming, shaking…and faking…she can be quite the actress, and he’s none the wiser.  Next up on stage…him!  Once his standing ovation has retreated, the show is over…time for refreshments.  According to research, an average of 75% of interviewed women admit to faking it occasionally.  That’s the majority.  So, odds are, either you’ve played the joker…or the fool… at one time or another.  Either way, the question looms:  Why fake an orgasm?

Why do women fake orgasms?

1. It’s just not happening. She recognizes the fact that her present climactic potential has no…well…potential…regardless of his tireless effort.  She also knows that sex will continue until she climaxes.  So, rather than the drag-out, she opts for the quicker, less-mess fake-out.

2. She wants to get it over with. Maybe she’s just not that into sex that night, not that into him, or not that into either.  He may be doing it all wrong, and she’s not forward enough to show him what she needs.  Maybe she’s exhausted from a long day, has a lot on her mind, and is finding it difficult to de-stress.  A mind racing with “things to do” is as big a mood zapper as the dreaded tiny tickler.  If she can’t focus on the ABC’s of sex, it’s unlikely she’ll make it to “O.”

3. She wants to avoid hurting his feelings. She’s well aware that his ego is cozily nestled in his ability to send her soaring.  So, if she knows she’s grounded temporarily, she may fake it simply to protect his ego.  After all, she’ll need that ego in tip-top shape for her next romp.

Of course, women aren’t the only fakers on this side of the orgasmic showdown.  Men are just beginning to open up about their not-so-honest  “shoot-outs.”  Studies show that on average, 30% of interviewed men admit to faking orgasms at least once.  And those are just the ones willing to admit it.  My guess…more closet fakers lurk about.  Women complain, as they should, that the media and the porn industry create this illusory voluptuous vixen as a goal for us and project that image onto men…leaving us twisted into a pretzel in an attempt to achieve the perfect balance of curves and flavor.  But men aren’t trailing too far behind us.  They’re now facing the same pressures…expected to possess rock hard bodies, become erect at a moment’s notice, and screw anything in female form with the longevity of the energizer bunny.  But the reality is…men can’t achieve the air-brushed ever-horny myth anymore than women can.  Men may be just as selective with a mate as women.  And, while they’d like to, they can’t keep going and going and going.  Yet, they feel the pressure to perform with such stamina.  Result:  an occasional fake-out.  Screw the energizer bunny.

Why do men fake orgasms?

1. He’s just not that into her or the sex.  She may simply not do it for him.  He may have fantasies or desires that she’s unwilling to fill.  Too much inhibition will eventually bore the horniest of men.  Or she may be a selfish lover…allowing him to do all the work.  By the time he’s done with her, he’s lost his gusto.  So, if he feels he’s losing his erection and going down anyway, he may decide to go down in a blaze of glory, give her a few good thrusts, and then fake the rest.  It would seem men would be hard-pressed to fake it, but that’s not always the case.  Lack of evidence can be tossed away with a condom, talked away, or just not noticed in her throes of passion.  Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  And, apparently, men and women are equally cunning…when they’re not cumming. 

2. He’s over stressed and exhausted.  Stress and exhaustion can deter a man’s sex drive too.  If he’s overly preoccupied with work or has a lot on his mind, sex may not be at the top of his list.  But he doesn’t want to disappoint her.  If she’s in the mood, he’ll give it a go, whether he’s tired…or wired.  He may begin the race, but not quite make it to the finish line.  Faking the finale is gentler on his ego than admitting he can’t keep up the race.

3. He has performance anxiety. Stage fright.  Insecurity can deflate an erection like nothing else.  If he’s feeling unsure of himself, but is still expected to perform, he may not be able to orgasm.

Whatever the reason, whoever the faker, faking orgasms isn’t healthy for our sex lives.  The fake “O” only succeeds in leaving one person fooled and the other unsatisfied.  So, who really wins there?  Not the fool…and certainly not the joker.  The occasional fake-out isn’t a big deal and may be psychologically beneficial to both parties.  However, faking it on a regular basis is harmful both to our sex lives…and to our relationships.  By faking it, we’re being deceitful…lying to our partner.  No one wants to be deceived in that way.  We want to know we’re pleasing our partner…otherwise, what’s the point?  And by lying about what rocks our world and sends us into orgasmic convulsions, we’re robbing ourselves of a great sex life.  We have to tell, and show, our partner what we want.  If our partner thinks he’s successful at bringing us to climax, he’ll continue with the same O-less methods…and continually fail to satisfy…leading us on a path of resentment and thoughts of going elsewhere for satisfaction.

Odds are coming clean with our spouse about the fake orgasms will open doors to communication…as long as it isn’t done in a critical manner.  “You never ____!”  “You do it wrong!”  “You just can’t make me orgasm.”…all close doors, shatter egos, and cancel any future trips to “O” town.  However, statements such as, “I really like it when you____.”  “Can I show you something that makes me crazy?”  “I need more foreplay.  I’ll trade you more ____ for more foreplay.”…all open doors, preserve egos, and confirm many future trips to “O” town…first class.

Exposure is catching…exposing ourselves sexually will lend itself to exposing ourselves emotionally with our partners.  If we’ll openly discuss and execute ways to please one another in the bedroom, we’re more likely to follow suit in every other room of the house.  However, resentment brought on by bedroom dismay may eventually burn the whole house down.  Be open, be honest, be uninhibited.

And when doing the sexual limbo,  don’t stoop too low…you may just fall and miss the real “O.” 

Chick Hughes

“It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.” ~ Meg Ryan ~ When Harry Met Sally

“I’ll have what she’s having.” (link to Sally’s infamous fake-out)

De Lima

Throughout adolescence … when we just wanted to be noticed by our heartthrob obsession — throughout college… when we wanted that heartthrob to notice…AND nail us — we tended to mentally pair heartthrob with jock.  The jocks seemed to have it all, didn’t they?  Though they peaked in high school or college and were popular for only a few years, it seemed they would rule in the game of love for all eternity.  They strutted and boasted their “leader of the pack” badge proudly.  Adored by girls and envied by guys.  High school girls seductively swooned and college girls boldly went commando, all in efforts of landing the hot, brainless jock.  I guess every jock had his day.  But as we age, the jock may find his days are numbered.  Most adult women — I say most because some women never mentally left their dorm rooms behind — but most come to value brains over balls.  Why?  We finally realize there IS life after school.  We’re on a crash course with reality and quickly deduce that a jock is a great popularity ticket, but lousy life mate.  So,we’re on the hunt for a provider…a man who will be successful, make good money, and provide for that family we so long for.  After all, that IS the next step in our female existence, isn’t it?  Only thing is…those geeks we’ve avoided and ostracized all through school are the physical embodiment of both brains AND balls.  And we’ve given them the shaft.  But ironically, now we want their shaft! 

Geeks rejoice!  We now have scientific proof that jocks don’t have it all.  Scientists have found that more intelligent men have better sperm quality.  One particular study dating back to 1985 was recently reexamined, and scientists uncovered a connection between intelligence and sperm quality.  In this study, over 400 Vietnam War veterans (aged 31-44) were given a battery of intelligence tests — verbal and mathematical — and each had a sperm sample taken.  The men scoring above average on the intelligence testing were found to also have the best sperm…higher sperm count, higher concentration, and better mobility.  And the men scoring lower on the intelligence testing were found to have a lower sperm count, lower concentration, and weaker swimmers.

Some scientists claim that more intelligent men may have healthier sperm because they are likely to make more educated, better informed decisions in their lives, be more physically fit, and have white collar jobs with fewer health risks — all of which would, in turn, affect the health of their sperm.  However, this study was able to make adjustments for lifestyle factors such as smoking, drinking, drug use, abstinence, and obesity.  What they found was that lifestyle factors were irrelevant.  That an Einstein, whether a smoker, drinker, or obese pot head,  STILL had healthier sperm than a less intelligent man making healthier choices.   So, it looks like this claim has about as much potency as Joe Bob’s…or Uncle Rico’s… sperm.

Scientists are instead leaning towards genetics as an explanation for an intellect/sperm connection.  It is theorized that plain old good genes could be responsible for geek virility.  That intelligence AND sperm quality are traits influenced by the same gene.  They further theorize that intelligence has genetically evolved as a means of attracting a better mate.  The animal kingdom is constantly changing and evolving to keep the species thriving.  Male animals develop everything from the largest mane to the most alluring birdsong in competition for mates.  Basically, whatever “fluff” is needed to ensure successful mating, we’ll evolve, develop, and use that “fluff” as bait.

Could it be that intelligence is our modern day “fluff.”  We women no longer need our mates to protect us with brute strength.  Our present day caves are offices, suburban houses, and SUVs.  Survival in this world is achieved via intelligence.  And it seems intelligence and sperm spunk are biologically intertwined.  If intelligence level is a predictable indicator for sperm quality, we’re subconsciously attracted to it.  It’s our innate struggle to propagate.  So, if we seek out intelligence…and also score optimal sperm… we’re ensuring not only basic survival, but also excellent mating genes.  Check…and check!  If intelligence is a gene that has evolved to attract a mate, then perhaps the geeks are simply the most highly evolved males of our species…and the most virile.  Sad day for the jock…and his rhyming appendage.  ;0

It’s long been joked that men think with their little heads, rather than the ones atop their shoulders…but armed with this knowledge,  I wonder…maybe the joke is on us.  Maybe brains DO have balls. 

Long live the geek!

Chick Hughes

“Back in ’82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.” ~ Uncle Rico ~ Napoleon Dynamite

Eugilein

When it comes to sex, men seem to prefer beauty, boobs, and booty to brains.  Apparently, these are the qualification indicators for “high bangability.”  But, what boosts a man’s ego even more than “hitting” the hottest of the hot girls?  Her orgasmic talent…in a nutshell, if and how many times she climaxes.  Nothing makes a man feel more like a man than hearing her tantalizingly moan, groan, and make a “touchdown” in the end zone…over…and over…and over again.  But what he doesn’t know is that her ability to provide him that satisfaction is directly related to her emotions.  That rather than searching out that bodacious babe he has stamped in his mind who scores a 10 on bangability, he should be searching out an emotionally intelligent woman who will repeatedly validate his virility.  Of course, there’s always the chance he may find all of these qualities in ONE woman…if he can accomplish that, not only will he have every other heterosexual man’s green-eyed monster to contend with, but he’ll also have the “How to…” book market cornered. Men aren’t the only ones “standing at attention” at the mention of orgasm delight…women are even more interested in achieving the multi-orgasmic shudder-fest.  After all, it’s her world getting rocked.  He simply gets to enjoy the tremors.  So, what do our emotions have to do with our “bangability,”  and how do we convert it into “bangable bucks?”

Studies unanimously find that women with higher emotional intelligence (EQ) have better sex and more orgasms.   Yes ladies, intelligence pays…and it pays big…in the form of orgasmic currency.  EQ doesn’t refer to book smarts, ACT scores, or typical IQ scores.  So, your beautifully framed honor’s graduate degree from Harvard, your impeccable SAT scores, and your 4.0 average are all useful assets…on a resume…but of no use to you between the sheets.  Between the sheets, it’s your emotional intelligence that’s running the show, as well as the reruns.

What exactly is emotional intelligence?  It’s a woman’s ability to accurately identify, accept, and convey her feelings to others…as well as identifying the emotions of those around her.   A highly emotionally intelligent woman is very much in touch with her feelings.  She is able to identify and utilize her own emotions (as well as those around her) to correctly solve emotion-related problems.  She is able to successfully combine her feelings with her logic and make a sound decision based on both.  Because she is able to recognize and convey her feelings to her partner, she’s likely to tackle relationship problems head on, rather than brushing them under a rug, suppressing them, and hoping they’ll never again rear their ugly head…lest she’ll stomp them back into the emotionless, orgasm deprived crack in the floor…where they belong.  She’s able to scan the faces of those around her and assess their feelings and thoughts.  Because she easily perceives emotions in others’ faces, she’s more aware and empathetic to their feelings.  She is also more adept at telling her partner what she likes and doesn’t like in the bedroom.  Who knew being bossy in the bedroom translated into “O, O, O?”

Women most in touch with their feelings experienced twice as many orgasms as their more inhibited girlfriends.  Studies also found that emotional intelligence isn’t determined by nature or genetics, but by nurture .  When sets of twins were tested, in every case, one twin tested high on EQ, while the other tested average, or low.  The twin rating highest on the EQ tests experienced more frequent orgasms and reported higher sexual satisfaction…obviously.  Because it’s said to be determined by nurture, we’re not stuck with whatever emotional intelligence we presently have.  It’s possible we can work on our emotional intelligence by focusing more on our feelings and effectively communicating those feelings to him.  Did I just hear every man moan in anticipation?    We can work to enhance it, or we can suppress and ignore our feelings… along with our orgasmic potential.  So, it seems sensitivity pays for women…and indirectly, for men, as well.

Men love to hate women who are overly in touch with their feelings, as it usually implies that he will also be expected to “share” sooner or later.  His idea of getting all touchy feely is, as we all know, not equivalent to her idea of getting all touchy feely.  But apparently, both versions will head in the same direction, eventually.     While he may not want to participate in the emotional commentary, he’s certainly eager to take credit for his sex partner’s “triple-header.”  After all, he really knows how to please a woman.  The proof is panting right in his awed, gratified face.

If we women learn how to use our emotional intelligence to our advantage, enhance our orgasm frequency, and rock his world, we could possibly reconstruct the “bangability” scale.   Too bad multiple orgasms aren’t advertised as readily as beauty, boobs, and booty.  But, let’s say a man is surveying his frequented gym…not for the perfect weight bench, but in hopes of triangulating the most “bangable” hottie within a 50 foot radius.  He’s found two such girls…both similar in physique and beauty, both wearing tight t-shirts while working the treadmill.  One girl’s t-shirt sports the Old Navy logo.  The other bears the bold words “Multiple Orgasms” with an arrow pointing south.  Which girl will he choose?  hmmm.  I wonder.

We know that men are visually stimulated.  Now, if only we could advertise our emotional intelligence with the same enthusiasm as our physical attributes, the possibilities would be endless.  And we would undoubtedly convert our EQ into “bangable bucks.”   Spend them wisely…redeem one orgasm at a time.

“Feel” your way.

Chick Hughes

StillSearc

If there’s one thing we women aren’t equipped to navigate, it’s a one-sided conversation.  This feels about as natural to us as strapping on that delicate sexy bra over, rather than under, our favorite baggy sweatshirt.  It just doesn’t make sense to us.  Women need feedback.  We crave it.  We respond to it.  But according to men, conversation simply isn’t a valuable commodity.  However, if he knew the trade value of conversation with women, he may be eager to buy more stock.

She asks, “How was your day?”  He responds, “Fine.”  She waits for him to elaborate…fill her in.  She’ll be waiting a while.  He’s done with this conversation and is oblivious to her curiosity.  He walks away, moves on to another task, and leaves her feeling “left out” of his life.  She may push, but it’s unlikely she’ll get much more information than the mind-blowing ear-full she got the first time.  Still, she hopes.  To her dismay, her hopes are dashed by his complete disinterest in hashing out his day with her.  Resentment follows.  She may hold onto that resentment for later, more convenient use during a fight over something totally unrelated…or she may confront him immediately.  Disappointment makes for a good boomerang.  She’ll just hurl it right back his way.  But he’s blindsided by the boomerang.   He now knows that she’s angry, but left wondering “what about?”  He has no clue that she NEEDS to hear the details of his day.

Attention men:   she DOES…

Women exchange details of their lives as a means of connection.  If you’re not communicating your daily details with her, you’re not connecting with her.  Men, on the other hand, only speak with purpose.  If there’s no reason to give details, he won’t.  Ladies, it’s not personal…it’s just pointless to him.  He doesn’t need it, and he’s completely unaware of the fact that you do.  So, tell him.  Tell him that you need to know what’s going on in his life…not because you want to “control” him (which is what so many men choose to think), but as a way to stay connected to him.  Tell him…enlighten him.  He needs you to tell him what you need.  Otherwise, he’ll never figure it out…he’s not a mind reader, obviously.  Explain to him what you need…or forever hold your “peace.”

Aside from the fact that men just don’t have a need for excess talk, he may also feel intimidated by talking to you.  Let’s face it, sometimes we possess the uncanny ability to take in the things he says, swallow them, twist them, turn them, completely reconstruct them in the most negative way possible, and then regurgitate them in all their glory… right in his unsuspecting, utterly confused  face.  Poor guy.  Once we do that a time or two, he may – being the logical thinker he is – decide less is more…and be very careful about sharing his details, or feelings, the next time around.

And how many times have we asked his opinion about something, thought it over, and then proceeded to override his opinion with our own?  “Honey, what do you want for dinner?”  He replies, “Chinese.”  You come back with, “Really, I was thinking burgers?”  Now is this really a question?  Not a chance.  Burgers…it’s what’s for dinner.    So, yet again, he realizes there’s no point in his expression of thought, as it will be vetoed anyway.  Guys are linear thinkers.  So, once he figures this out,  he’s no longer interested in engaging in the “What do YOU think?” game.

There may also be a neurological reason men don’t share feelings or daily details.  Our brains are divided into left and right hemispheres.  The corpus callosum is a white matter tract connecting the two.  It’s this connecting tract, or bridge, that allows for cross-talk between hemispheres…. Studies have shown that a woman’s corpus callosum is wider than that of a man’s.  This may be why women aren’t able to compartmentalize…we can think AND feel at the same time.  Having a more narrow “bridge” for cross-talk between hemispheres may contribute to his tendency to compartmentalize…separate his feelings from his thinking.  And consequently, engage in much less conversation about how this, or that, makes him feel.

No wonder he’s not as enamored with all the mushy talk as we women are.

So, if you want to know what he’s feeling, but he’s not volunteering…be more direct.  Men don’t respond well to vague questions such as “What are you thinking?”   Rather, asking a question like, “Do you think _____?”  or “Do you feel _____?”  will draw his details out front and center.  It’s not that he’s deliberately withholding his life.  He simply doesn’t know you need to connect in this way.  Volunteering the details of who said what at the office, which project isn’t going well, and what he ate for lunch doesn’t come naturally to him.  But with the right prodding, he’ll open up…all you have to do is listen.

Because of the communication gap between men and women, we tend to think men are distant and uncaring.  But upon closer inspection, you may discover that men are quite vulnerable and full of emotion…they’re just encouraged both by nature AND nurture to hide it well.  And hide it well, they do.

Tell him what you need.  Men need AND want to know how to make you happy.  Speak his language.  “Sweetie, you need sex.  I need connection to have sex.  Connect with me…and I’ll ‘connect’ with you.  Tell me all about your day.”  You put it in those terms…you won’t have to ask him twice.  He’ll be OH so happy to oblige.  His daily details will erupt forth like lava from a volcano after a multi-century long dormant spell.  You may have to go dominatrix to shut him up and tame his “volcano.” 

Chick Hughes

Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men’s behavior is measured with a feminine ruler.  ~Francesca M. Cancian