photo by: Marinela

We routinely hear single, successful women complain bitterly about men’s insecurities , as if they somehow play helpless victim to them.  “I guess I’ll always be single.  Men are just too intimidated by my intelligence and success.”  “As soon as I tell them what I do, the conversation dies.”  “They never call me after the first date.  They can’t handle being with a more successful woman.”  “I keep two business cards to pass out to men:  one for my real career: CEO…one for my cover career…bank teller.  If I give them the CEO card, they can’t get away fast enough.”  Over and over, we hear this…from friends, movies, magazines, so on and so on.   A similar excuse is echoed by beautiful women.  “My beauty scares them away.  It intimidates them.”  I, for one, have never seen a man shy away from a woman simply because she’s too beautiful.  Men flock to beautiful women like hypnotized mosquitoes to a bug zapper on a dark summer night.  They can’t help themselves.  Beauty is intoxicating, it seems.  After hearing from men and employing careful consideration, I’m not so sure men ARE intimidated by beautiful, intelligent women.  Maybe some beautiful, intelligent women unwittingly sabotage the potential relationship with the one characteristic they don’t think men are paying attention to:  PERSONALITY.  Hasn’t this been our beef with men since we had the pleasure of hitting puberty?  “Why don’t men pay attention to my personality?”     “Why do they only care about looks?”  Beauty and brains, wonderful as they may be, do not conceal an arrogant superiority complex.  That little character detail can be a deal breaker.  Men putting personality over looks and brains?  Who knew?   Maybe our assumption that men are shallow and sex-obsessed has just returned for a big, juicy bite on our backside.

Of course, there are some men who find a beautiful, successful woman intimidating.  This probably stems from his lack of education, self-esteem and confidence in sustaining a relationship with such a woman.  If this is the case, the match is not a good one to begin with.  In the epic search for love, one tends to attract AND be attracted to a mate who can relatively match his/her wit and intelligence.   So, the question is WHO is it you’re scaring away?  Is it attractive, intelligent men who you perceive as intimidated?  Or is it men whose bulbs are slightly more dim with no replacement bulbs in sight?  If it’s the latter, then you’ve lost nothing as it wouldn’t have lasted anyway.  Less educated men will most likely be turned off by an intelligent woman only because he feels inferior.  Even the most intelligent men aren’t built to feel inferior to their mates – it’s not in their DNA.

An arrogant woman who uses her beauty and intelligence as a weapon to emasculate a man is probably only doing so because she’s overcompensating for her own insecurity.  In turn, once he’s run for the hills –  just as she predicted –  she’s just reaffirmed her notion that men are intimidated by her success.  Now her fears of being alone and her insecurities in attracting the opposite sex are spinning a dizzying web in her head.  This fear will instigate more arrogance.  See a pattern evolving?  Another hidden reason for her attempted dominance may be her way of rejecting him before she can be rejected herself.  If she can convince herself that he ran away like a frightened puppy because of her superiority, she can avoid facing the fear that threatens to rock her world:  It’s HER that men don’t want…not her beauty and success.  This revelation will unleash a war within herself , rather than her preferred war with the opposite sex.

Generally speaking, intelligent men will appreciate intelligent women, whether beautiful or average – and vice versa.  But here’s the million dollar question:  are you driving off all men?  If you are, then it’s likely not your beauty, brains, or success that’s doing the steering.  Odds are it’s your winning personality.  If you’re arrogant and coming across as if you perceive yourself as superior, why would a man (any man) want to get to know you better.  You’ve already told him all he needs to know:  He doesn’t want to KNOW you any better. Imagine you had the most beautiful, shiny apple you’ve ever seen.  All you can think about is taking a bite out it.  But before you get the chance to partake in that sinfully divine apple, you see the most vile, disgusting little worm peeking out through a tiny hole.  Now I ask you.  Would you want to continue and partake?  Or would you politely set it down and walk away?

No matter how beautiful or intelligent a woman is – if she’s self-absorbed, rude, and peering down at you from her stiletto heel high, she just went from desirable to SCARY in the blink of her Cover Girl mascara-coated eye.  While men, young and old, love to drown themselves in a  beautiful woman,  they prefer to be the one doing the drowning – not the one being held under and robbed of air.  At what point do we stop playing victim because we find it easier to blame the unsuspecting men for our personality flaws, which we’d rather not reflect on?   Maybe the old fallback line of “It’s not you…It’s me.”  holds more truth than we’d like to think and warrants closer examination.  So ladies, if you want to be irresistible to men, make sure you’re not letting your intelligence, success, or beauty  take the fall for your personality.  Remember: Be beautiful, be brainy, but lock the bitch in the kennel at home.

Chick Hughes

“Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn’t suggest you’re special, it means you’re an ass. “~ Raina Kelley at Newsweek

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