Archive for April, 2011
Here a chick, there a chick. Everywhere a cheat, cheat? Ok, so maybe not everywhere. But tweet this! Women’s marital plates are now rivaling men’s when it comes to a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side. A daringly sweet dessert to offset the mundanely sour entree, perhaps? “Bone” appetit! Her sweet tooth is her best kept secret…or worst wept regret, once she’s caught. But much like her fidelity-challenged husband, the looming risk of getting caught is not a sufficient deterrence. Nope ~ the bootylicious boost in self esteem, the awakening shudder of the thunder down under, the thrilling drug-like high from being naughty ~ is worth it all. Her “good girl” persona is Gone With the Wind. She’s trading Scarlett O’Hara for the Scarlet letter. “A” for Adventure. And what does an attention-deprived, taken-for-granted, bored-with-herself chirpy chick have to say to her former doormat self?
Despite its long-time, tight-lipped, deliriously denied existence, affairs of the female kind aren’t exactly news. Though lacking the racy reputation of condescendingly conservative male politicians and their holier than thou erections, chick cheaters are and always have been flying just under the radar. They are, however, on the rise and soaring high. Inflation, in political terms. Studies show they become more prevalent with the onset of her mid-life (what life?) crisis. It’s during this mind-bending milestone that she begins to reevaluate herself, her career, and her relationship. And realizes that somehow, she’s not as happy as she’d planned she would be. She’s now had enough and is gutsy enough to stop settling for unhappiness. To test fate. She’s ready to take the bull by the horn…so to speak.
And he’s shocked by her sudden unhappiness and assertive affair. Why? Because rumor has it that women just don’t have affairs. That infidelity is a no-wo-man’s land. That women just aren’t that into sex. However, rumors are notorious for being false. Are they not? And what else is a long-time sex-starved married guy to believe? After all – in his house – a sexual advance ranks right up there with wiping boogers under the table in the “NO! DON’T DO THAT!” hand-spatting transgressions. No sex for you! Rejection has become his reflection. So, naturally, he assumes that if she doesn’t want sex with him, the last thing he has to worry about is her insatiable sexual appetite going elsewhere.
Contrary to popular male folklore, experts say she’s just as interested in sex as he is. Sex with him? Another question entirely. But women ARE interested in sex. We’re sensual beings and need to feel sexy to be sexy. If she’s not happy in her own skin, the last thing she wants is to flaunt the assets she’s so insecure with to someone she fears will criticize them. Whether she knows it or not, she wants sex too. But she needs to FEEL hot to act HOT. So, light a fire under her!
Or she’ll find someone who will.
An affair is risky. Dangerous. It risks her security, her family, her reputation, her life as she knows it. But she craves being craved. So she rolls the dice with the knowledge that this bet could break her. She’s operating on emotion, on a new love high, on her self-esteem’s desperate plea for pleasure – on anything but logic. For a she-devil, scarlet letter wearing cheater, risk rationale is about as relevant as the dangers of a ceiling fan to this guy. It’s fun to reach for the sky. But if the shit hits the fan, it’ll rip her roots to shreds. No pain, no gain…right? The stakes are high, but her spark-starved ego is a gamblin’ girl.
Why do women risk it all and stray?
~ She feels unappreciated, neglected, and lonely ~ She’s taken for granted. This may be the most common reason women stray. The drain of caring for the entire family with little to no return wears her down. She needs to feel special, loved, appreciated, adored, and pampered too. If all she’s getting is “What did you do for me?” and spends her days and nights playing maid – while HER wants and needs become distant strangers in the night – she’ll eventually long to join them. She can only give so much before she wants to break free and live. So when she finds herself on a dead end track to nowhere and someone comes along who makes her feel appreciated, adored, doted on, and alive again…she’ll buy herself a one-way ticket on a Runaway Train.
~ She feels something is missing, is bored with herself, and is looking to her inner bad girl to stir things up ~ She may have the perfect life. Perfect husband, perfect kids, and so on and so on. But she’s still missing something. Someone she used to be…or wants to be. So, she may look for someone who puts her in touch with her missing self. Someone who makes her feel good on a new and forbidden level allowing her to escape the confines of the perfect wife and mother prison cell she’s created. Someone who allows her to explore a world she’s not openly or socially allowed to be a part of.
~ She has low self-esteem ~ Child birth is not the baby-rattling picnic Hollywood has cast it to be. She no longer feels like the firecracker he married. She feels like an out of shape, out of time, out of patience mother. That in no way, shape, or form translates into sex goddess. Her motherly body is plaguing her with insecurities. So when a new hottie makes her feel less like a frumpy mom and more like a still-got-it MILF, she goes back for more. And more. And you guessed it…more.
~ She’s seeking an emotional connection that’s missing with her hubby ~ She needs an emotional connection! Always! She needs him to listen, care, and empathize…not criticize. She wants to be connected on all levels. And if he won’t connect with her, another he will.
~ She wants an insurance policy ~ Scientists say evolution may be to blame. That long ago, she would sleep with another man to ensure a back-up provider for her family in the unlikely event of her sweetie’s deathly demise. A back up key to start her engine, in case the master key goes missing. Also, modern day woman may sense when her husband has checked out emotionally and be lining up an alternate provider before he checks out physically. The eternal planner.
~ She’s looking for an out ~ If she’s miserable in the marriage, she may decide an affair is an easier way to end the relationship. Rather than initiating the split herself and dealing with his attempts to fix the problem. If he leaves her, she’s free to move on …She is woman! Watch her be passive aggressive!
Like men, women want to be adored and appreciated. Affairs are simply an attempt to discreetly fill a void without breaking up the household, crushing her kids, and ditching a spouse. An attempt to meet unmet needs while maintaining the needs of the family. She’s a multi-tasker to the end.
“One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.” ~Judith Viorst
Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater…had a wife and couldn’t keep her. He must’ve been checking out some other hottie’s melons. Marriage is challenging even in Mother Goose’s land of lollipops and twinkle, twinkle little stars? Cheating is complicated, common, and anything but new. Modern day men cheat on wives. “Good old days” men cheated on wives. As far back as man goes, he’s cheated. And why not? It’s so easy a caveman can do it. I’m sure from time to time, some burly unsuspecting cave woman found her Captain Caveman marinating his meat elsewhere. Poor guy probably got the hell beat out of him with his own club while she grunted Bobbit-ish threats through her voracious not-so-pearly white stalactites making his “little friend” turtle shell into hiding. Will he do it again? Probably. It happened, it happens, and it will always happen. Some are able to take an affair to their grave. Others have the dirty details publicly spread and embellished by our favorite go-to trash magazines. We read about it, gossip about it, pass judgment on it, and think it will NEVER happen to us. But rich, poor, hot, not…no one is immune to the sultry underbelly of cheating. It’s the ominous cloud looming over every happy marriage. If the atmospheric pressure drops just right, that cloudy threat opens up and rains its tears of betrayal all over us. To borrow from Mother Goose once more…
It’s raining. It’s pouring. The old man is scoring. So umbrella up!
Marriage is tough enough on a good day. But after weeks of condescending eye rolling, incessant nagging, petulant arguing, and booty bang-less begging, even the most loyal hubby is susceptible to temptation. Wives wonder why? The answer is usually staring her in the face as she shoots him down with “Not tonight…I’m too tired.” Or disgustingly rolls her eyes at his every advance. Or belittles him making him feel he can do nothing right. Or meets his jokes and stories with utter disinterest. If he’s constantly made to feel unattractive and insecure, he’ll welcome an outsider who refutes it. Who wouldn’t? But sometimes – even with all of his sexual and emotional needs met at home – he may still jump ship to explore another woman’s “dingy.” Damn it! What can I say? It’s the nature of the beast. But more often than not, he won’t take the risk and jump overboard if his ship is “tricked out” with all the bells and whistles. Basic survival 101.
Studies show 60% of men cheat on their wives. And 70% of those wives never have a clue. I question that 70%. Women are very intuitive, but may choose not to know to keep from rocking her own cushy boat. Psychologists say human beings are socially monogamous by nature. That we evolved to bond together for survival reasons. Child-rearing, connection, and safety. It’s nice to know someone has our back when we need to put the smack down on a mouthy child, when we need a shoulder to cry on, or when we need someone to give us a head’s up that some surly saber tooth tiger is about to make a meal out of us and ruin that one-of-a-kind designer fur sack we worked so diligently on. Safety in numbers. They say that although we’re socially monogamous by nature, we’re NOT naturally sexually monogamous. We’ve instituted sexual monogamy to protect our social monogamy. Because sex causes our brains to release the love drug, oxytocin, we know that a little nookie on the side could turn into a home-wrecking pookie at the alter. So to protect that social monogamy needed to survive, we’ve forced sexual monogamy on ourselves. But sticking to that self-imposed expectation tends to “screw” us over sometimes.
So why do men cheat?
~ He feels emotionally disconnected: Men may be sexual creatures, but they’re also emotional…shhh! Don’t tell them that. They need an emotional connection too. Someone to caress them, love them, be there for them, show them affection. Studies show almost half of men’s affairs are rooted in emotional dissatisfaction. However, if the emotional connection is missing, so is the sex. You do the math.
~ He feels under-appreciated: He wants to know he’s appreciated and adored. To be your hero. To know he’s winning when he makes an effort around the house, in the bedroom, with the kids, and with work. If he feels he’s fighting a losing battle, surrendering to an affair (a woman who makes him feel like a hero, a winner, a sex god) will be that much easier. If you’re not willing to do it, trust me…there’s someone just around the corner who is.
~ He craves sexual variety…he craves sex PERIOD: Men want sex. Men want sex. Men want sex. He’s biologically and evolutionarily hardwired to desire and have sex often. Once a month is NOT often. Twice a month is NOT often. So buck up ladies. If he’s not doing you, he’s doing somebody! The relationship is more fulfilling to both parties when everyone’s needs are being met. If he’s happy sexually, you’re happy emotionally. And he’s oh so ready to please…when you’re on your knees.
~ It’s easier than divorce: Divorce is costly, messy, and difficult on the whole family. If he’s unhappy in his marriage, he may deem an affair a less complicated, less disruptive means of satisfaction.
~ He’s seeking a thrill: His needs may be getting met at home, but he’s looking for cheap thrills. Daring to execute forbidden taboos can be a high. Don’t be afraid to turn your bed into a theme park and keep the thrills domestic.
Men are sexual beings, but they’re also emotional beings. They long for the same affection, same touch, same adoration as women. But they also want to get laid…OFTEN. They don’t want to have sex with a lifeless uninterested object. They want you to LOVE it. They love you to WANT it. The more sex you have, the more emotionally connected you are. And the more in love you feel. That’s what he wants. He wants YOU.
He wants you to love him, adore him, need him, want him, lust after him, and screw him! All the time!
ALL the time!
Men are naughty by nature…
Ballsy by biology…
And led by libido.
Love ‘em? Hate ‘em?
“Love is a game in which one always cheats.” ~ Honore de Balzac
Communication is many things. Heard, misheard, code word, wrong word… and between couples, a 4-letter word. Attempting to translate the alien language of the opposite sex proves to be difficult, frustrating, and, at times, futile. In the words of Charlie Brown’s teacher, “wa wah wa wah wah wah wa wa.” Or something like that. Maybe this was some code language understood by the Peanuts gang alone. But so often, I wish Lucy, in all her smart-ass future feminist extremist attitude, would yell from her desk…
“Enunciate bitch! We can’t understand you”
Obviously, conversation doesn’t always equal communication. One can talk endlessly without saying a thing. And one can speak volumes without being heard at all. Successful communication requires both speaking and listening. I once read that we have one mouth and 2 ears…so we should listen twice as much as we speak. Yet, we don’t. The longer we’re together, the less we listen.
I sometimes watch older couples in restaurants…wondering what they’re talking about, how connected they are, or whether they’re existing side-by-side oblivious to the other. Body language reveals so much about a couple’s mojo. Many times, I’ve watched as a wife eats and jabbers on about whatever is on her mind. She talks, but he’s not listening. This person she’s conversing with hasn’t diverted his attention from the edible orgasm on his plate in 20 minutes. He has no idea that she’s talking, let alone what she’s saying. Yet, she yammers on…and on…never seeming to notice that her “communication” is being upstaged by the perfectly seasoned and sauteed carcass that’s giving him more oral action than he’s seen in a long time. By this point of my stealthy stalking, I’m not sure who I pity more…they both seem immersed in their own worlds, bored to death, and hardly connected. Their exchange, or lack of it, fascinates me. I watch. I analyze. I wonder…
Would he “stand up” and take notice if she sandwiched that meat between her boobs while she spoke? I’m kidding. Ok, so I’m not. Of course he would!
Are they happy? Or have they mutually surrendered to a lonely parallel existence?
Any long time couple can relate. After years of “togetherness,” we inevitably lose touch without realizing it. We assume that because we share close proximity, we’re also close emotionally. And on some levels, we are. Living together IS close. Intimately personal gestures like putting ass to toilet seat while the other scrubs unmentionable areas in the shower requires a certain level of closeness — wouldn’t you say?
But again, that’s physical proximity. Parallel existence is not communicating. It’s not connection. It’s not enough. Or so says the half of marriages that end due to loss of that connection.
Experts say there’s a reason we reach the “My husband/wife doesn’t understand me anymore” point in a marriage. And that reason is lazy communication. Research shows that we sometimes communicate better with strangers than with our own spouses. That long-time couples get to know each other so well that we assume too much shared information..and consequently, share less. The less we share, the less we understand, the less connected we feel. When communicating with a stranger, we realize they know nothing about us. So, we share more. More detail, more emotion – more in general – in an attempt to be understood. But when speaking to our spouse for the umpteen billionth time in a year, we mentally calculate (x number of years together = can read my mind). We falsely assume they know what we’re feeling and thinking. So we don’t bother to delve too much into it.
Like our bodies, our brains get comfortable…and lazy. After winning over our partner in marriage, we may let ourselves go, not make time for exercise, and avoid giving our mid-section a little in-spection. Our brains are no different. We get comfortable and let our communication slide. Maybe we eventually feel we’re repeating ourselves and stop. Maybe we feel the other doesn’t care, so why bother. Maybe we just assume he/she already knows…or should know what we’re feeling. And when “he” doesn’t, watch out! Because he should…right? Our brains are devious and self-protective enough to convince us that it’s the “other” spouse who doesn’t understand “us.” Or can’t read our mind. The lazy brain prefers to shift blame elsewhere. But to be heard and understood, Express Yourself!
If we’re failing to communicate and stay connected due to comfort, maybe we’re, in fact, too close for comfort. Sometimes we just get in a rut, take one another for granted, and grow bored. But remember the beginning of your relationship? When communication wasn’t a chore? When it came without effort? Communication just was, wasn’t it? We didn’t think twice about it. What else just was? Sex, cuddling, emotion. It all goes hand-in-hand. We communicate because we want to be closer. We want to be closer to have sex and a connection. So, a lack of communication will result in a lack of connection will result in a lack of sex will result in a lack of communication will result in a lack of connection will result in a lack of sex. Round and round we go. Where we get off – and don’t “get off” – we all know. Splitsville.
We can walk around with our iPods, iPhones, iAlones tucked securely in our pockets every single day. Reliably close. But if we don’t plug in the headphones and listen, we won’t appreciate them and will eventually decide we don’t need them around. Or someone else may steal them from our reliably close pocket when we’re not “listening.”
A happy couple needs three things to thrive: connection, love, and sex. Each relies on the other for success. If one falls to the wayside, the others follow in a domino effect.
Maybe the man in the restaurant would be less into his meal and more into his wife if he knew she’d be into him later in bed. After all, men communicate for sex. Women have sex to communicate.
So connect, communicate, and fornicate.
Plug in, tune in, “come” in.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~ George Bernard Shaw