Archive for November, 2010

Mr Basmt

It’s Thanksgiving!  The one day of the year we’re expected to do nothing but eat, drink, and be thankful.  Thankful for the small things…too much food to eat, too many material things that treat, and too few unmet needs to meet.  Thankful for the big things…ever-loving families, always-there friends, and shared-heartfelt memories.  Friends and family are what make our lives interesting…colorful.  Sometimes they color inside our lines of tolerance.  And sometimes not…sometimes they color outside our lines, push our buttons, and drag our grown-up psyches kicking and screaming back to childhood experiences we’ve long since left behind.  Those are the days we’d prefer to keep our lives simple…black and white.  NO COLORING PLEASE!  Like it or not, our families represent the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly in each of us.  Holidays approach, and we get together in anticipation of Good food, Good memories, and a Good time.  Our nostalgic memories have betrayed us.  They’ve highlighted the Good memories, altered them a bit, and concealed any hint of Bad from our consciousness.  But it’s there…stalking our innocent nostalgia.  Ready to pounce when we least expect it.  Like they say, we have to  take the Good with the Bad.  Apparently.  Fights ensue over how to prepare the meal, who should sit where, and who was right or wrong about the seating/cooking arrangements for the last family get-together.  Siblings suit up, put on their boxing gloves, and take their corners.  Parents begin serving up guilt as a side dish.  And before you know it, personalities are clashing like trains playing chicken on a one-way track to “All Hell Breaking Loose.”   If one doesn’t play the chicken, the two collide, and the party’s over.  This is it…the defining moment…the test to see just how well we can, or can’t, control our Ugly.

It’s official.  We’re Home For The Holidays.  Welcome to the good, the bad, and OUR Ugly.  🙂

Family can be difficult.  To say the least.  But with all the chaos, all the arguments, all the drama…there’s one factor that can outwit, outlast, and outplay the others.

Love.

No matter how many disagreements, differences of opinion, or nasty comments are swirling around the dinner table…behind each and every one of them is love.  Our families support us when life snatches our legs out from under us.   When life gets too easy, our family acts as a doormat to wipe our feet on.  When life gets too messy, they’re the door we knock on.  And when life gets down right cruel, they’re the shoulder we cry on.  No matter what phase we’re experiencing in life, our family plays a role…whether that role is “extra”, supporting, or they’re in the audience cheering us on.  Our family is front and center.  They’re our one constant in this whirlwind life of unexpected twists and turns.  Our navigation system.

Soon you’ll sit down to give thanks and eat like there’s no tomorrow.  Enjoy!  But don’t let the Bad outweigh the Good and bring out your Ugly.  If personalities get on the fast track to clashing, think before you speak.  That turkey may not be the only thing needing to be stuffed.   On this day of thanks, keep your differing opinion to yourself, take a heaping spoonful of dressing, and…

STUFF IT!

Happy Turkey day!  🙂

Chick Hughes

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. Oprah Winfrey

bjearwicke

First comes love.  Then comes marriage.  Then comes…love handles, beer guts, and muffin tops?  Wait a minute…that wasn’t covered in the wedding vows, was it?  I remember “For better or worse” …or maybe that was code for… “For hot or not.”  Though not a topic we like to address (unless we’re wagging our finger in any direction but our own), it’s a topic most every couple finds piled on their plate sooner or later.   We’ve all looked back on pre-wedding, pre-kids, pre-pounds pictures…and wondered where that once slim sexy siren slithered off to…you know…the siren that was apparently called to one too many chocolate covered emergencies, meat and potato domestic disputes, or deep fried drug deals.  Busy siren.  🙂 Whether it’s a few measly pounds or double digit doozies, it can tame the once wild flames of marital bliss into a faint hiss.   Maybe we should more closely inspect that marriage license before giving it our John Hancock.  Maybe…just maybe we overlooked the tiny, barely there disclaimer:  “Warning:  possible side effects may include bloating, weight gain, or widened ass syndrome?”  Jokes aside.  We vow to, and do, love our spouses no matter what.  But, why DO we let ourselves go once we say “I do?”

While in dating mode, we’re on the hunt for our perfect mate.  To attract that perfect mate, we must be in tip-top shape.  After all, the first thing we’re attracted to is NOT a winning personality.  Never do men scope out women and say, “Damn!  Look at the brains on her!”  The same goes for women.  Our first impression of a man isn’t “OMG!  He just radiates intelligence and wit.”  No.  It’s that pure animal magnetism, that gleaming “come hither” sex light in our eyes, and that sweaty hand, blushed face, crush giddiness that initially catches our interest.  So, we take great care of ourselves when we’re dating.  We work out.  We’re well groomed, etc. etc.  We’re on the market.  No one wants to take home a fatty piece of meat.  We want fresh lean meat!  At least that seems to be what our social dictator, Mass Media, has washed our brains with.  So, in competition with media pecs and butts of steel, we work on our “meat.”  However, once we’ve been taken home, we’re no longer on the market.  So, the pressure to stay fresh and lean is lessened.  We become…comfortable.  Interestingly though, with divorce comes weight loss.  Once we’re back on the market, we know we better slim down.  The plea to “Eat mor chikin” won’t be necessary.  In this meat market, the fatty cow is simply not in demand.  😉

An expert on the sociology of obesity, Jeffery Sobal, claims that “body weight is largely a reflection of one’s culture, socioeconomic and marital status, life stage, and ethnicity.”  According to Sobal, some cultures — obviously not the U.S. — value larger rounder bodies.  In this country, the higher one’s socioeconomic status, the thinner a person is likely to be.  He found that the married weigh more than the unmarried, parents weigh more than non-parents, and Hispanics and African Americans weigh more than Caucasians.  Sobal also found that while obese women are actually happier in their marriages than their slimmer lady friends, obese men are more miserable in their marriages than their buff male buddies.   It’s hypothesized that obese women are happier because they’re aware of their diminished meat market value, internalize that negative value, and thus are content in the marriage they’ve been dealt.  Here’s a twist…obese men are less likely to accept their negative meat market status and may come to project the resentment they feel for themselves onto the marriage.  Hmmm, the irony!!!  Typically, it’s the men internalizing and the women projecting.  Oh how the tables have turned.  Tables?  Let’s eat!

After tracking nearly 7,000 married/living together participants, psychological studies reveal that after a few years of marriage, we do, in fact, begin to pack on the pounds.  It was found that married partners were twice as likely to become obese as those simply dating.  While both men AND women will put on a little weight after swapping vows, women are prone to putting on more.  But then again, women’s bodies do bear children…women grow amazingly complex little people in their bodies.  And having babies is so beautiful…yet SO UGLY!  It inflates, twists, and knots the female body like an inexperienced clown beating the hell out of a balloon animal.   Ever seen a balloon after it’s deflated?  But men are visual spectators.  A balloon is a balloon is a balloon.  Either it’s hot…or it’s not.

Why do we put on extra weight after marriage?

* married couples attach greater meaning to shared meals (food becomes the main attraction, “together” time for family)

* we stop trying to attract a mate (we’ve wooed…and wooed…and wooed…at some point, we just have to say WHOA!)

* we decrease physical activity (after work, kids, and chores, a tight derriere is no longer topping the to-do list)

* we have babies

* we have the added stress of children, work, and providing for a family (that stress often results in unhealthy eating habits)

* we use food as a solace to fill a happiness void in our relationship (TIP:  Have more sex!  The sex will fill the time we may otherwise snack AND it’ll reconnect us with our sweetie!  WIN…WIN)

Scientists say that just having a close relationship with an obese person (whether a friend or spouse) makes us more likely to become obese ourselves.  And that if one engages in weight loss activity, the other tends to lose 5 lbs on average.  In essence, we facilitate one another in one direction or the other.  Why?  Good old competition!  As long as we’re not the fattest one in the room, we’re good.  😉

Because we facilitate one another, experts say a few offensive moves against the post vow bulge may include:

1. Exercise — Stay active.  Whether it’s walking, biking, or playing a sport, do it TOGETHER!  That time spent together is bonding.  And the exercise produces arousal hormones that will spice up the bedroom cardio!  So, get pumpin’.

2. Creative activity — Share a hobby, not a meal!  art, music, reading together…engaging in a little creative couple time puts our imaginations to use and allows us a joint escape from daily pressures without provoking that fickle zipper on our favorite pair of jeans.

3. Laugh — We can get so bogged down with stress and financial security, we forget to laugh and enjoy each other.  Laughter reduces stress hormones, creates connection, and keeps our mouths preoccupied.

With marriage comes many positives and negatives.  Love handles, beer guts, and muffin tops…all, of course, “weigh” in on the negative side.  But here’s an interesting thought…if we put on a few extra pounds because we’re comfortable, that probably means one thing:  complete and utter commitment.   If we’re not perfecting our credit score, we’re certainly not looking to buy new real estate.  There’s the up side!  But as the saying goes, “what goes up must come down.”  We shouldn’t totally let ourselves go.  Too much around the MIDsection simply isn’t good for the Erection.  Get comfortable…but not too comfortable.  If we get too comfortable in a position, we may slip into a deep sleep and not realize that our marital comfort zone has morphed into our marital danger zone!

So get up and “SHAKE IT!”

Chick Hughes

“Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can’t even get into my own pants.”  ~Author Unknown



Skitz27

He’s mad.  She’s mad.  He yells.  She rebels.  He decides to call it a night.  She demands they stay up and finish the fight.   None of us is unfamiliar with the best marital advice this side of a divorce.  Drum roll please… “Never go to bed angry!”  It’s said that if we don’t hash through a disagreement before our head hits the pillow at night, it’ll lead to resentment and ultimately dismantle our relationship.  Well, I don’t know about the rest of the married world…but if I had to resolve every marital argument before going to sleep at night, I’d quickly resemble a zombie from the Thriller video.  And on that laughably inadequate amount of sleep, I’d be much less passive…think cross between “Zombieland” and “NightBitch On Elm Street.” Yeah, this is what happens when I “Never sleep again.”  🙂  But it turns out sleep-deprived fight nights and  groggy dark circle-eyed days don’t pave the spit-swapping way to make up sex.  So, in the event of a night brawl, should we stay awake and duke it out…or put our head to pillow while we internally shout?  Is “never go to bed angry” sound advice?

Psychologists say NO…it’s a myth.  They say couples are afraid of fighting…when, in fact, fighting (in moderation) is a sign of a healthy marriage.  We all fight.  It’s inevitable.  Spending minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day with the same person WILL lead to disagreement from time to time…unless you’re a deaf-mute…and even then the sight of their annoying breathing pattern may eventually tip your tolerance scale.  We coexist, therefore, we fight.  😉  Sometimes over our passionately differing viewpoints…and sometimes over mundane little details of our deceptively delightful days.  Whatever we’re sparring over, experts say the fact that we’re sparring at all is a good sign.  It means we’re comfortable enough with ourselves, AND with our partners, to disagree.  That we won’t go along with whatever the other says just to avoid an argument.  They say it’s THIS bobble-headed “whatever you say” attitude that leads the bobbler to, one day, tire of nodding his head and leave the marital bed.  So, go ahead…speak up!

If you do speak up one late night opportune moment, emotions are running high, and the argument is going nowhere…pushing the issue while both partners are emotionally and physically drained will be more harmful and counterproductive than going to bed while angry.  When we’re exhausted and seething furiously, the last thing we want to do is LISTEN.  And just as important as sharing our opinion is LISTENING to that of our partner.  Listen, share, listen, share…compromise OR agree to disagree and move on.  But none are likely to happen in the middle of a war with lots of ammunition and little rational thought.  We’ll just keep hitting lower and lower below the belt trying to make our point.  In the end, we’ll still go to bed as our heads boil over with tears…however, now more damage has been done…and that damage cannot be undone.  This emotional unleashing is due to what psychologists call “flooding” …when we’re so overwhelmed with anger and emotion, all rational thought has evacuated our firehouse head, our hearts are pounding, and we lose all ability to fairly and justly resolve an argument.  It’s better to table the discussion until  morning and go to bed mad.

When you find yourself head on with a night fight, remember the three R’s:

Recharge: Go to sleep, get rest, and recharge your battery.  The issue at hand will be clearer with a rested mind.  With rest comes rational thought.  With rational thought comes perspective.

Regroup: Think about the point your partner was trying to make.  Was it valid?  Was yours?  More often than not, with a fresh perspective, we realize the argument wasn’t ALL THAT!

Revisit: Choose a time to revisit the issue with your partner.  Discuss it with a clear mind and emotions in check.  If the issue remains ALL THAT upon revisiting, then more discussion is needed.  If not…then let it go, apologize, and get geared up for make up sex.  Established emotional and sexual connections are the ties that bind our love.  Heated fights will unravel those ties.  And failure to reestablish them will burn the edges so they may never bind again.  So, manage your relationship and “tie” it up with a pretty little bow.  🙂

We all fight.  It’s not a sign of the end times for our marriage.  It’s simply a sign that we’re together every day, we have our own opinion, and we’re comfortable enough with one another to vocalize that opinion.  A healthy couple will fight.  A smart couple will fight when the time is right.

So…go ahead.  Sleep on it!

Chick Hughes

“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.”  ~Lyman Abbott


Kathi B

One lover, two lovers, three lovers, four…rocking traditional marriage to the core.  For most people, just one intimate relationship is a juggling act consuming patience, sanity, and brain cells.  And those are the successful ones.  Making up most of society, these jolly jugglers are, in the interest of political correctness, “poly lover challenged.”  But for some overachievers, juggling just one love, one sex life, and one emotional minefield isn’t challenge enough.  They want more…more lovers, more drama, more sex…you know, just more.  But in exchange for more, these juggling gamblers are also willing to take on more baggage, more responsibility, more emotions, and more confusion.  Damn do-gooders!  🙂  But more could be good.  After all, we all want MORE.  It’s the American way, no?  In theory, the utopian lover smorgasbord sounds intriguing.  It resonates curiosity in any and all human minds.  Granted, we all react differently to that curiosity…but it captivates us just the same.  We’re drawn to it, mesmerized by it.  Much like a multi-car pile up on the interstate.  Too many cars…too close together…too much shared space…eventually, one car crashes into another ending the fluid traffic flow and causing mass chaos. No matter how we want to look away, the unknown outcome has a grip on us like a croc with it’s prey.  We simply can’t fight it.  We await doom…maybe it’ll come…maybe it won’t.  When it comes to group marriage, our minds are pre-programmed to expect doom…and short circuit when it never comes.  Can a polyamorous marriage be successful?  Or are we simply not able to share the “space?”

My knee-jerk reaction is no.  We’re not able to share the space.  But maybe that’s just me…perhaps I’m being narrow-minded.  After all, social improvement comes not out of conformity.  Every drastic change society makes, for better or worse, is initially met with resistance.  Poly marriages aren’t exactly a new concept.  Some of the very first marriages were ones of polygamy, with only the most revered Biblical kings holding the reins.  So, the religious stance against poly marriages, to me, seems a bit hypocritical.  Even today, some other cultures practice polygamy, as they have for hundreds of years.  Where polygamy consists typically of one man and multiple wives, polyamory allows for both spouses to have multiple loves…it technically means “many loves” and allows for a more equal playing field.  Poly pretties are suppressed no more!  This is where the difference lies.  A one-sided polygamist marriage is so chauvinist, so male ego-serving, so vomit-Bobbit inducing…it makes a liberal woman’s head spin with fury and combust in disbelief.  “Clean up on aisle polygamy!”  The brainwashing it must require to convince women they’re infinitely and irrefutably inferior!  Now that takes balls!   But hey!  It’s 2010 ladies, you can “shake, rattle and roll” with the best, or worst, of them!  Enter stage right:  polyamorous marriage…the give AND take.  Give a little booty, take a little booty…all are equal to tutti-frutti.  😉   If a couple’s plans are to open the marriage, then open it on BOTH ends.  Otherwise, a dead end awaits.  Polyamory does just that…it refers to an open marriage with lovers coming and going OR group marriage with all participants living together and remaining monogamous within their group.  Sounds complicated.  And, according to those practicing, it IS.  But some very ambitious families make it work, or try to.

According to Deborah Anapol, PhD and expert on polyamory, people may seek out this lifestyle for many reasons:

*  to fix problems in existing relationships…humans are natural problem solvers and may consider opening the marriage as a possible fix…however, that fix will be temporary…at most

*  to mask or excuse sex addictions…providing the cover needed to get it on…and on…and on

*  to take a stand for cultural change and aim for utopian/spiritual rewards…requiring both profound self-confidence and leadership

*  to satisfy what just comes naturally to them

*  to rebel against religious prohibitions or family expectations…rebellion, not being a bad thing, is a prerequisite for personal growth and independent thought

*  to fulfill sexual or emotional desires that can’t be met with existing partners, such as unequal sex drives

Researchers say some polyamorous couples find they married too young and simply defaulted to monogamy solely because it was the norm.  But later realize that neither of them had much investment in exclusivity and recognized that the only reason to continue with it was fear of the unknown. So, tossing “No Man’s Land” to chance, they dare to venture into “All Man’s Land.”

With a whopping 50% divorce rate, the “traditional marriage” isn’t exactly a pillar of success.  Obviously, we’re doing something wrong…well, half of us anyway.  Marriage is a difficult endeavor.  We encounter stress, disagreement, and boredom…on a good day.  When braving the “scary as hell” ups and downs of a long term monogamous marriage, it’s only natural that some of us jump the track every now and again.  Some opt for divorce.  Some opt for an affair.  Some opt for polyamory.  Depending on perspective, any of which, may be an attempt to satisfy all needs involved…adult, family, and kids’.  Who’s right?  Who’s wrong?  Which is better?  Which is worse?  Who’s to say?  One thing is definite though.  Our brains control our words, movements, physical feelings, decisions.  But with all of it’s control, it remains but a mere minion to the heart.  Our heart, the rebel.  Whatever social norms dictate as an accepted marriage…whatever our minds tell us is the right thing to do…whatever we want to do…our hearts have a “mind” of their own.  What may seem practical to the  mind isn’t always realistic to the heart.  We can’t control what we feel.  And what we feel changes throughout the course of our lifetime, regardless of the boundaries we attempt to impose.

Some psychologists argue that humans are not monogamous by nature.  And that we defy our very biology by practicing such.  Yet others argue that while we may not be monogamous by nature, monogamy is a social tool invented to create harmony and aid in the raising of children.  A secure growing environment for the sake of our future society.  But we’re well aware that this security will be challenged time and again by the vast array of variables popping up in a marriage like a child’s game of Whac-A-Mole.  Whatever the variables, a monogamous social structure does, in fact, help to maintain some semblance of family order.  Critics of polyamory say marriage and family are sacrificed by this lifestyle.  Advocates dispute that claim and say the opposite holds true.  They say the expanded family provides more support and unity…that opening up a relationship depends on the individuals involved.  When two or more people are well matched, opening it usually makes them stronger…when not well matched, it can be destabilizing.  They insist it’s, by no means, an easy way out.  But, instead, a compromise that requires HONESTY above all else…honesty about biological needs, honesty about feelings, honesty about desires.  Maybe we monogamists aren’t so honest with ourselves?  Or maybe we are…but realize our limitations.  Different strokes…different folks.

The emotion to stir the most commotion is jealousy — both ugly and destructive.  While we may not be monogamous by nature, we’re certainly jealous by nature.  And that jealousy is deeply rooted in insecurity. Another emotional downfall we use as a slip-n-slide.  Regardless of what some experts say, it seems that pair bonding is a natural behavior.  When placed in a group of people, we tend to pair up.  We find the one we mesh with most, have the most in common with, and begin knitting our match…our go-to “booty”.  And anything that comes between us and our “booty” is competition.  We DON’T like competition.  Women, in particular, will lie, cheat, steal, and reveal anything to remain in his favor.  In the situation of 4 or more live-in loves, we’ll worry… “Does she like him more than me?”  “Is she better in bed than I am?”  “What does he give her that I don’t?”  It’s human nature…the insecurities, the fears, the jealousy.  When we subconsciously pick favorites…and we WILL…insecurity will fester and multiply quicker than Octomom, herself.  Even when we think we’re “choosing” not to choose one, the heart will seek out the one who makes it beat the hardest.  Leaving another heart broken.

As I’ve researched this topic, one theme continues to emerge…the human struggle for happiness.  We crave intimacy, love, and sex…and we’ll do anything to get it.  If that means monogamy, so be it.  No social confines there.  If  it means risking social conformity and abandoning monogamy in the hopes of securing ideal love AND sex…some are brave enough to leap into that social piranha pool.  Different people, different ideas, different paths…same desired destination.  Whatever the means, the motive is the same:  love and sex…sex and love.  So, take your own stand on monogamy vs. polyamory.  But don’t pull the legs out from under another’s.

It seems the heart and the libido are ever negotiating for happiness, satisfaction, give and take.  If we begin with one, two (me and you)…and then decide to add a few, perhaps the few we’ll be adding will be named Competition, Jealousy, and Insecurity.

It’s my firm belief that the Few will inevitably wipe out the Two.  Unfortunately, such is the tale of our jealous nature.

The polyamorous equation is open and ever changing:  One, two…add a Few.

But as a monogamist, my equation remains:  One, two…skip the Few.

Which are you?  🙂

Chick Hughes

Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. ~Albert Einstein

clshearin

Nice guys finish last…according to nice guys, that is.  It’s hard to argue hay semantics when it’s coming straight from the horse’s mouth.  But that doesn’t stop us from trying.  We women will go out of our way, climb to the top of the tallest building, and shamelessly yell our love for nice dependable guys from the rooftops.  But, all the while, we’ll keep one roaming eye on the alley below for any sign of the taboo bad boy sexpot.  Much like men, we may control our words, but our lusty loins will betray those words and wave our rebel flag.  Despite our persistent delusional denial, men, naughty AND nice, are painfully aware that our words and our actions rarely sync up.  We hate admitting that we do, in fact, find the proverbial “bad boy” alluring.  But, hey…when it comes to OUR good, bad, and ugly sides…we like to air our good,  conceal our bad, and deflect our ugly.  So, we’ll keep up the charade and continue begging our chosen bad boy to play nice, while stringing our “nice guy” puppet  along at arm’s length.  Poor guys…they complain, “I don’t understand women.  I have no idea what they want.”  Well don’t worry…neither do we!   Our minds tell us we want a nice guy, but our bodies are carrying picket signs in retaliation.  So the question remains:  Do nice guys get the shaft while naughty guys get the girl?  Guys say yes.  Girls say no.  We claim to want a nice guy, but given the choice, we’re dropping our panties for his polar opposite.

So, which is it?  Do nice guys finish first…or “come” last?

Studies show that bad boys do, indeed, get more girls and have a larger number of sexual partners.  As if we didn’t know.  Psychologists say the bad boy is a confident extrovert with high self-esteem, a narcissist displaying impulsive behavior, a sexually open risk-taker with little or no regard for those around him.  All traits that have, through time, been evolutionarily successful.  Seeing a person one wishes to meet and hook up with is titillating.  But the confidence, courage, and indifference to make it happen are handy traits to possess when trying to keep the genes moving, no?  Now why would we want to pass down “those genes” to our children?  And, why do we find the men who possess them irresistible?  This question stumps not only the average Joe, but the experts as well.  Scientists say that, logically, women would come to link altruism to sexual selection.  “If he’s good, honorable, and trustworthy, he’ll make an excellent provider and parent AND pass the altruistic genes down to our children.”  But they’re dumbfounded because women have somehow detoured from that very logical destination and taken a temporary off-ramp to Bad Boy Bangtown.  Hmmm, why is that?  I’m sorry…did they say “logically?”  Wait!  Is it “logical” to assume women would be logical?  Women aren’t logical beings.

Seriously…is this news?   When do women EVER operate on logic?  Women operate on emotion…and emotion is a fickle, fickle companion EVER manipulated by hormones!  Even the average Joe has this figured out, but the scientists are still scratching their heads.  Scratch this…women defy logic.  We’re illogically complicated…but well worth the itch.  😉

Researchers agree: one male trait, in particular, is directly correlated to number of sexual partners…agreeableness.  The more agreeable he is, the less sexual partners he’s had.  The less agreeable, the more sexual partners.  And, of course, this trait goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned self-centered traits.  But with those socially perceived negative traits come others:  confidence, mystery, spontaneity, creativity, independence, excitement, and dominance.  Women are biologically attracted to high levels of testosterone.  A bad boy is likely to possess much higher levels of testosterone.  A high level of testosterone creates a confident go-getter male and communicates one thing to women:  a dominant power house.  Male dominance makes women weak in the knees and anxious to open them.  This is evident even in animals.  Males in every animal species struggle to assert dominance.  Why?  To get the goods, of course.  The goods…the girl…the booty.  It’s the circle of life.  And the more dominant the male, the more bootylicious the goods.

Then again, maybe the secret to her bad boy love affair is dopamine…the feel good hormone commonly referred to as the pleasure chemical.  It makes us feel sinfully good…even high, much like cocaine or amphetamines.  Our bodies release this “happy” drug into our bloodstream when we feel danger or risk.  And the bad boy poses many risks, does he not?  Deviation from social norms, danger, taboo, sexual freedom…you know…all the things our mothers warned us about…the same things we secretly daydream about.  This is why romance novels are successful.  It’s rarely Mr. Nice guy she’s desperately in love with.  Where’s the challenge in that?  That “bad boy” allows us to explore our inner frisky, R-rated, “bad girl.”  The risque behavior releases dopamine.  The dopamine makes us feel alive and vivacious.  Therein lies the allure.  But that’s not all.  Scientists speculate the bad boy’s hard package may not be the only thing rubbing off on us.  They hypothesize that his confidence may do some rubbing of its own, leaving US feeling more powerful and sexy.

That naughty guy leaves us feeling high, sexy, powerful, AND protected…is it any wonder we can’t get enough?

We like nice guys too.  However, there’s a difference between nice guys and lapdog guys.  Lapdog guys are overly nice.  In the words of Chelsea Handler, “What…a turn off!”  The neediness.  The dependence.  The kissing our metaphorical ass.  “I don’t care…what do you want to do?  I want what you want.  Making you happy makes me happy.”  After we’re done gagging on the crap we’ve just be fed, we become skeptical of his “consideration” and wonder if he’s just a no self-esteem wuss shifting responsibility onto us.  Confidence is sexy in men AND women.  Man up…but don’t be inconsiderate.  “If you don’t mind, I’ve been wanting to try this new restaurant.”  OR “I’d love to stay in and screw you all night.  Is that alright?”  😉

All kidding aside…women want both.  We’re initially attracted to a bit of a bad boy persona…the confident, independent, sexually open power player.  But in moderation, please.  Approach us like a cocky Simon Cowell condescendingly highlighting our flaws, with your nose in the air, your stash of cash leaping from your wallet, and your pants around your ankles…we’ll likely label you an asshole, thank you for the tour of “Uranus” and vow never to return.   An edgy bad boy (in moderation) will attract us at first, but it’s the nice (not overly nice) guy who’ll keep us around.  We want dominance with a touch of sensitivity.  Hard on the outside, but soft and juicy on the inside.

I can hear the frustrated groans of men everywhere.  Women want us to be a “nice bad boy?”  How the hell do we pull that off?  Balance.  After all, men want the same from us.  The perfect wife must balance being the conservative loving caretaker by day…the sultry sexy whore by night.  Not easy, but it can be done.  And when it is, it’s pure perfection.

So guys…we want it all.  We want the naughty AND the nice.  In that order.  🙂

Nimble and naughty wins the race…but slow and sweet secures his place.

Chick Hughes

Last guys don’t finish nice. Saul Alinsky