Archive for October, 2010

Dmitry

Best time of day for sex?  Hmmm, most male responses are quick, simple, and  to the “point.”  All woodies stand united… “Anytime!”  Female responses, however, are less united, more complicated, and chock-full of “if” or “when” clauses.  “If the kids are in bed.”  “When the chores are done.”  “If I don’t feel fat.”  “When you’ve had a bath.”  A man could be diligently working against a fast approaching deadline with 3 kids hanging from his arms and neck displaying a mix of maniacal laughter and antagonistic screaming, a ripe diaper clogging his airway, and angry emails streaming in from his boss.  But flash a boob and whisper “take me” in his ear, and POOF…it all fades away.  Forget the boss, the emails, the dirty diaper, the kids, the screaming.  He’s ready to put boner to groaner.  😉  Lay all of those distractions on a woman, and sex won’t even get “standing room only” in her over-crowded brain.  Why?  Men can compartmentalize, lock away all problems, and focus only on sex.  His mentality:  “Everything else can wait on sex.”  A woman’s brain is not equipped to compartmentalize.  So, she’s forced to focus on all pending problems at once.  Her mentality… “Sex can wait on everything else.”   When trying to get on the same page sexually…kids, work, bills, and household chores can rip up not just that page, but the whole book.  Forget the nookie.  So, how do we reclaim our nookie and get our sexual urges in sync?

A couple can be generally in sync in terms of sexual urges, only having spurts of time when that synchronization is put to the test due to daily stressors.  However, a couple can also be out of sync on a larger, more encompassing, scale…with the daily stressors becoming deal breakers.  This larger scale of sexual discord was discovered a century ago, when two western scientists (Swoboda and Fliess) separately recorded that, like the cosmos, our bodies have cyclic waves that measure energy patterns and dynamics in our relationships…these waves are called biorhythms.  According to this theory, we have 3 different biorhythms:  physical (which regulates sexual urge/activity, strength, speed, coordination, and endurance) having an approximate 23 day cycle, emotional (which regulates mood) having an approximate 28 day cycle, and intellectual (which regulates thinking, wit, and problem solving) having an approximate 33 day cycle.  These biorhythms are based on our birthdays and determine how compatible (sexually, emotionally, and intellectually) we are with members of the opposite sex.  As one would guess, the physical cycle is dominant in men…the emotional cycle in women.  This research concluded that the more compatible a couple’s biorhythms, the more dynamic their relationship.  And the more compatible that couple’s physical biorhythms, the more in sync their sexual urges.  While some scientists have dismissed this theory, others are still studying them and their effects on our relationships.  Whatever the reason for some scientists’ dismissal, women have monthly proof that our bodies operate on some cyclic…or psychotic…wave.

Aside from the cosmic wave theory, men and women have hormone surges at different times of the day.  And those hormones are affected by random variables, which can lead to an orgasmic light show…or a dark, sexless power outage.  Go toward the light!

When are men most “up” for sex?

Men will tell you “anytime…all the time.”  No conditions.  But his testosterone levels are highest first thing in the morning, typically — but not restrictive to — the hours between 6 and 9 a.m.  We’ve all awaken to his “morning glory.”  With a raging hard-on, he’s definitely in the mood to put it to some use.  Can we blame him?  After all, it IS a great way to start the day.  After mid-morning, his inflated testosterone begins to lose it’s air.  But come lunch, he’s ready yet again.  Time for a nooner! 😉 By early evening, he’s open for business and offering sales.  “Two orgasms for the price of one.”   “Get ’em while you can!”  But according to the research, by 10 p.m., he’s fighting the sandman.  And his testosterone level needs recharging for the upcoming morning salute.  So, it seems men are up for sex most of the time.

When about women?

Women are more complicated.  While men can get it on anytime and use sex as a way to de-stress, a woman’s body often requires an emotional or intellectual connection to get in the mood, and  needs to de-stress before sex.  But once her body and mind catch up to one another, she’ll be OH so ready.  Though waking up to his Erection Perfection is deliciously enticing, things like — “80’s hair gone bad” bed-head — deadly “sew your mouth shut” dragon breath — and a “touch me, I pee” bursting bladder — will kill any mood she can muster first thing in the morning.  She prefers to prepare for the event, clean up, and feel sexy…she also prefers he do the same.  According to the research, her endorphin levels are optimal between the hours of 8 and 10 a.m.  After 10, she has a dip in hormonal surge.  But,  just after noon, she’s frisky again.  After that, she’s likely done until early evening.  Once she gets her “to do” list out of the way and kids in bed, she’s in the mood for a little shopping.  And, of course, she loves a good sale… “two orgasms for the price of one…SOLD.”  With her chores out of the way, she can focus on sex.  Typically, women prefer night sex.  Why?  A.  She has less distractions clouding her mind at night.  AND   B.  Candlelight is much more figure-friendly than harsh daylight.  She’ll feel sexier and less insecure.  But don’t dawdle!  By 10 p.m., he’s not the only one winding down.  Exhaustion sets in for her as well.

According to the experts, men AND women are in sexual sync (hormonally speaking) around 9 a.m., 1 p.m.,  and again around 8 p.m.  During these times, the window is completely open and large enough for both to “come” through.  Any other time of day, and the window may be only half open.  So, take advantage while you can!

Of course, this is a guide.  Men and women will vary on when they’re in the “mood to be screwed.”  Lots of things come into play.  Kids, for example.  Anyone who has small children will tell you to grab sex when you can…whether it’s a planned rendezvous once they’re in the bed, or jumping in the closet for a quickie in between cartoons and potty breaks.  Keeping the passion alive is key to a good sex life.  That requires flexibility, innovation, and patience.

Be flexible…be open to different positions or experiments.  Make sure your partner knows you’re open to suggestions.  Nothing excites a man more than knowing she’s open and won’t shame him over secret desires.  The same routine gets boring after a while.  Changing the ingredients will spice it up and increase dopamine in the bloodstream, which will increase passion.

Be innovative…the bed isn’t the only place for sex, and just before bed isn’t the only time for sex.  Relocate and initiate!  Lock yourself in the bathroom for a quickie in the middle of the day.  The kids won’t kill each other in 10 minutes time.  Sneaking away for a few minutes, having fun, and getting freaky when we shouldn’t bonds us as a couple.  Sex has to be hot AND fun.

Be patient…if she isn’t in the mood at the moment, give it time, and pamper her.  A little naked massage or couch cuddling can go a long way.  It gives her time to reconnect mentally.  Once she does, she’ll reconnect sexually.

Getting in sexual sync can prove difficult.  But good sex — after kids and many years of marriage — doesn’t come easy….though many of us think it should.  It’s work.  It requires connection…that connection requires effort.  And great sex is definitely worth the effort.  😉  So, work it!

Morning, noon, or night?  Doesn’t matter.  Just do it!

Right?

If interested, you can test your physical biorhythm compatibility here…  http://www.oliveyou.net/biorhythm.jsp

Chick Hughes

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” ~ Billy Crystal

creationc

Girlfriends?  Boyfriends?  Or just friends?  Can men and women be friends without benefits?  We seem to think so.  However, I’m skeptical…for this is a question that, in all marriages, may just come “up” more often than he does.  Can my sweetie be “just friends” with a person of the opposite sex?  Well…maybe…if that person has a third eye, ear, or boob…and the extra boob disclaimer is iffy…that could backfire.  We first need to define “friend.”  A friend isn’t one of the hundreds of faces and statuses we see daily on social networks.  It isn’t a co-worker we see only at the office and speak to in passing, or even chat with in spurts.  And it isn’t the doorman, delivery man, or handyman we see and touch base with a few times a week.  Discussing mundane details regarding the sweltering weather or the day-to-day details of our riveting existence does not a friend make.  These are acquaintances, at best.  Then there are the friends we grew up with and still consider great friends, but only speak to occasionally and see even less.  With very little time to nourish the relationship…of course, we can manage these “friendships.”  And sometimes, not.  😉  The “friend” I’m referring to — the one that blurs the line — is the one with whom we share our deepest secrets and feelings, hang out with regularly, grab a bite or a movie with,  or call when we’re upset or excited…the one we look to for emotional support. Our shoulder to cry on.  Our ear to rely on.

For THIS is the male/female “friendship” standing trial.  The charges:  providing a pick-me-up, tripping us up, and ending in breakup.

We’re so sure we, ourselves, can successfully have platonic friends…yet not so sure about our spouses.  If our partner does develop a close friendship with someone other than us, we can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy…wonder why he/she needs that friend (aren’t we enough?)…obsess over just how “friendly” they are, or will be.  Before long, our imagination has eaten away at our brain and sanity like a nosy live-in mother-in-law on steroids.

However, psychologists now say a successful cross-sex friendship is not only possible, but beneficial.  Possible out of necessity…the idea that men and women couldn’t be friends, they say, came into play before women entered the workplace and had no reason, aside from romantic, to hang out with men other than their husbands.  They say men and women have been forced to successfully manage friendships due to working conditions.  Forced to…yes.  Successful at…questionable.  (So, according to this theory…if we force a sexual tension, the tension will dissolve?  I think workplace affairs have “blown that willy” out of the water.)

Experts say a cross-sex friendship is also beneficial to both men and women.  Men find they’re able to confide in and open up to a female friend in a way they simply can’t do with another guy.  This freedom to confide gives men a “shoulder” and benefits them emotionally.  Women, on the other hand, find they can be more laid back with a guy friend…walk on the lighter side a bit.  She’s able to temporarily escape the drama that lurks among women like the grim reaper…eager to take our souls over just one wrong word at just the wrong time.  Breaking news:  Women are sensitive and easily offended.  These benefits, though, are undeniably evident.  It’s also reported that in order for us to manage this successful cross-sex friendship, certain precautions must be made.  We must be up front, open, and honest about our friendship.  Address a possible sexual attraction.  Agree on how to handle that attraction.  Negotiate what the relationship means…define it.  And establish boundaries.  If we define and manage it, psychologists say, a platonic friendship is very much possible.  Men and women can, in fact, be friends.

The defense rests.

How very optimistic of them.  Life always goes according to plan, doesn’t it?  😉

And now…the prosecution.  The psychologists have determined one thing…yet, proven another through studies, interviews, questionnaires, etc.   One study consisted of 150 professional men/women.  Sixty-two percent of them reported sexual tension present in their cross-sex friendships.  Men claimed that sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship in the first place.  Hmmm, really?  A separate study questioned 1,450 members of Match.com.  The answers were oh so contradictory and proved us to be optimistically hypocritical.

~ 83% believed men and women could be platonic friends.

~62% say they’ve been engaged in a platonic friendship that has crossed the line.

~94% say it’s possible to fall in love with someone who starts out as a friend.

~71% hope that once they find a romantic partner, that partner would have been a friend first.

So, the majority asked declared with certainty that men and women could be friends without sex ever entering the equation; however, this same majority admitted to crossing the line, falling in love with a friend, and hoping to marry a friend.  Get a calculator!  This doesn’t quite add up.  Wishful thinking, perhaps?

Cosmo has done its own informal questionnaire.  Findings confirm that most men wouldn’t mind if a platonic friendship moved to the next level.  It also found women truly believe they can be friends with the opposite sex…believe being the operative word.  Eighty percent of the women interviewed underestimate just how often their male friends are attracted to them.  I’ll now refer back to the previous result in which men declared a sexual attraction to be the main motivator for initiating a friendship.  It seems we attempt to be intellectually driven, but remain a slave to our loins.  Our minds may be evolved, but our animal drive to mate refuses to make the transition.  Damn sex drive!

Psychologists also say that males and females participate in “voluntary gender segregation.”  This refers to our tendency to group up with members of the same sex.  “NO GIRLS ALLOWED!”  Sound familiar?  From the time we’re tots, we gravitate towards same sex groups.  We tend to stay in these groups until we reach puberty, lest we catch “cooties.”  Our main motivator for leaving and seeking out members of the opposite sex is our looming sex drive.  Once we settle on a mate and marry, we once again find ourselves gravitating towards members of the same sex for recreational fun.  And achieving and maintaining a “friend” of the opposite sex becomes more difficult…why?  Jealousy!  We know what that “friend” is thinking, don’t we?  Because that’s what we’d be thinking…though we’d never admit it.

So, can men and women be friends?  We seem pretty enthusiastic, in theory, that we’re perfectly capable of separating romance and friendship.   But, as the studies indicate, that very thin line can blur quicker than the vision of a drunk on a tilt-a-whirl.  When it comes to applying the theory and taking one of two routes, the libido seems to be the path of least resistance.  Plenty of short-cuts and few stop lights.

When put on the stand and asked the infamous question, “Can men and women be friends?”  we say “Yes, absolutely, men and women can be friends.  Sex won’t get in the way.”  But are we kidding ourselves?  Are we denying our own animal instincts?  Convincing ourselves we’re better than that.  Are we better than that?  When it comes to the case of male/female friendships…are we perjuring ourselves?

Can men and women be “just friends?”  It seems the jury is still out.  I think not.  But you decide.

Chick Hughes

Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable Oscar Wilde

jeffphoto

If he has a pulse and a penis, he does it.  He looks.  He lingers.  He lusts.  While alone, his eyes are free to roam and take in the sights of all approaching T & A mountainous hillsides.  And he will…guilt-free.  However, while accompanied by his lady love, the hills have eyes.  And those eyes will burn him like the fires of hell if he’s caught checking out the view.  We’ve all felt said heat from time to time.  Let’s say…we’re out enjoying a nice night as a couple, when a sultry sexpot sashays by…seemingly, with the intention of owning every set of male eyes within a 5 mile radius.  He struggles to maintain control of his strong-willed peepers.  She awaits the inevitable turn of his head, as if an invisible string connects his nose to that sashay.  He tries, and fails, to cover his distraction.  Too late.  Not only did she notice, but she counted the seconds as his “distraction” sashayed by.  Upon regaining control of his eyes, he’s now aware of his mistake and awaits his fate.  Suddenly on the defense, he must dodge the onslaught of questions…  “Were you looking at her?”  “Do you think she’s pretty?”  “Have you no respect for me?”  He freezes…wondering at what turn his words will betray him.   And they will.

Though dramatic, this is a situation none of us is unfamiliar with.  And, yes, ALL men check out other women while in our charming company.  Some are more tactful about it, and wisely hover just under the radar with the grace and splendor of an eagle.  Others, not so much, and ignorantly flail around over that radar like a one-winged vulture frantic to get its last meal.  Graceful or flailing…they look.

Women want to know WHY?   “Am I so unattractive that he must look elsewhere?”  And men want to know why she cares?  “Why is it such a big deal that I glance in another woman’s direction?”

Ladies, he simply can’t help it.  He’s biologically programmed and dominated by his testosterone to check out any and all attractive women who cross his path.  While his ogling may offend us, it’s completely meaningless to him.  He’s only noticing and appreciating.  With this glance comes no desire, nor intention, to jump ship and  rock someone else’s boat.  Well, not always.  😉  In truth, he attaches no feeling to his ogling object, whatsoever.  Experts say that when men are checking out other women, they unconsciously depersonalize them.  So, it’s nothing more than a once-over…then-over moment of admiration.  This depersonalization, experts believe, is a byproduct of human evolution…a method once used to ensure drama-free spread of his seed.  His primal goal was but one:  to mate.  No emotion, no commotion…wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

This is why men don’t understand what all the fuss is about.  To him, looking is as natural as breathing.  He’s irrevocably hard-wired to look at attractive women.  It’s the nature of the beast.  Studies on brain scans reveal that men have “reward centers” that are triggered when looking at images of women’s faces and bodies.  Breaking news:  Men are visual creatures.  Now close your mouths.  The simple act of looking at attractive women rewards his brain and encourages him to do it again…regardless of the consequences.  The study also proved the reverse situation not to be true.  When looking at attractive men, women did not have a “reward center” triggered in her brain…different brains, different gains.

Biological facts aside, men must understand that she feels threatened by his sudden visual vacation.  Guess what though!  She’s looking too!  She’s checked out her competition just as quickly as he has…maybe quicker.  And while she may not be able to look away any easier than he, the last thing she needs is his validation that she’s fallen a notch on his hot-o-meter.  And when he does validate her fall, she gets angry.  Her anger isn’t driven by jealousy, but by insecurity.  She may feel hotter than a busty stripper in the Sahara desert, but let a slightly hotter female catch his eye…and she’s a slave to her insecurity.  She’s well aware of how visual men are, so if she loses his eye to another…even for a second…her loss of confidence eats at her, and at the most inopportune time…you guessed it…sex!  If she’s feeling insecure come bump ‘n’ grind time, she’ll likely invent an excuse to avoid it.  Guys, it’s in your best interest to keep your visual dessert desires to yourself if you want to enjoy the entree.  😉

The last thing she wants is to be compared to a hotter woman…feeling inferior isn’t good for the ego.  And fellas, if the tables were turned, and she were ogling a hotter guy whose “goods” were wrestling with his shorts like an anaconda in a body bag…the same insecurity would fester.  Each of us is subject to being emotionally bullied by our “less than lusty” self perception.

Ladies, it isn’t rational to ask him not to notice other women…EVEN when in our company.  Asking him not to be visual is the equivalent of asking us not to be emotional.  Both are biological quirks we have little control over.  But any control we can muster will greatly enhance our relationship with the opposite sex.  Just as we should scale back the irrational tears and attempt to spare him excess drama, he should make the same attempt to spare us the visual lust fest he feels when crossing paths with a hottie body.  Too much emotion is just as foreign to him as dog-in-heat drooling  is to her.

The least we can do is be aware of our biological nature and the feelings (be them positive or negative) brought on by that biology.  Yes, he has a basic, unfettered need to size women up.  Always has.  Always will.  Ladies, accept him…all of him.

From his thighs to his eyes.

Try not to be insulted.  Remember, it’s not personal…it’s instinct.  He places much less importance on a lingering glance than we do.   And guys…keep the ogling at bay…notice, appreciate, and quickly move on.  Lingering will kill her self-confidence, which in turn, will kill your sex life.  Your wham bam is only as good as her biggest insecurity.  Make her feel good, and she’ll return the favor.  Leaving you saying, “Thank you ma’am.”  🙂

Tame the wandering eye, and she won’t have to wonder why.

Chick Hughes

“After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.” Helen Rowland

tnimalan

Red, yellow, green, or blue…which color would you do?  🙂  Different colors signify different things to us…green means go, yellow means slow, red means stop, red and blue mean COP.  These are color indicators we’re overtly aware of, which is why they’re abundantly used throughout society.  But there are some color indicators we’re unaware of…colors that influence our attitudes, feelings, and sexual desires…colors that make us happy, sad, sappy, mad..and, yes, horny.  Psychologists have long studied the effects of color on our thoughts and feelings, but they’ve just recently nailed a color that, ironically, we also want to “nail.”  What color?  Red, rouge, and rojo.  It seems red is subconsciously our sexual primary color of choice…and while we may like many other colors on a mate, it’s actually red that gets us “a-head.”

Two psychologists at the University of Rochester completed the first documented study on this topic when they conducted several experiments to learn which color we find most sexually attractive on a mate.  They gave men and women pictures of the opposite sex to rate in terms of attractiveness, sexual desire, likability, intelligence, and kindness…with each individual’s picture appearing many times either framed in different colors or dressed in different colored clothing.  What they found was that red was the sexual color of choice for both men AND women.  Given the same candidate dressed, or framed, in red vs. another color, most subjects reported being more sexually attracted to the one in red.  Not only were they asked to rate the attractiveness of the candidates, but men were also asked to imagine a hypothetical date with the candidates in red vs. the candidates in alternate colors.  The men were then asked, “If you had $100 in your wallet for a date with this person, how much would you spend?”  The lucky ladies in red were hypothetically treated to a more expensive date…fancier restaurants, flowers, etc.  Hmmm, men willing to spend more money on women they find hotter and more sexually promising?  What a novelty!  Of course, the head leading that date isn’t concerned with money…finances is not the “job” it signed up for.  😉

These findings were consistent across all cultures and countries…yes, we have a universal unprejudiced love affair with the sexual high of “scarlet fever.”  While the color red greatly affected attractiveness and sexual desirability, it made no difference when the subjects were rating perceived intelligence, likability, or kindness.  However, when it comes to sex, red seems to bring out the devil in us.  And psychologists say men and women are completely unaware of our crimson weakness…that it’s a subconscious reaction to our biology.  But we seem to be aware of it on some level.  We obviously associate red with carnal passion…from red lipstick to accentuate our sultry puckers…to innocent, but alluring, red hearts and lingerie on Valentine’s Day…to the not-so-innocent Red Light District’s infamous crimson glow luring adults to sex as shamelessly as the ice cream truck lures pig-tailed cuties and smudged-faced cooties with its  mind-numbing tunes and over-priced drumsticks.  So, it seems a safe assumption that we have some mental cognizance of our sexy red addiction…however conscious it may be.

Scientists hypothesize that men and women prefer the color red for entirely separate, but like reasons.

Why are men hot for red?

It’s thought that a man’s obsession with red can be traced back to his evolutionary roots.  When nearing ovulation, female primates, such as baboons and chimpanzees, swell and redden around the genitals.  Past research has proven that male primates are most attracted to the females displaying the brightest, reddest derrieres…for she proves to be the “hostess with the mostest.” Perhaps a preference for red is simply his primitive horny self rearing it’s not-so-ugly “head.”  They say men are animals…who knew we’d get proof?

Why are women?

Scientists believe women also prefer red for evolutionary reasons.  But while men are searching out the most opportune sexual escapade, women are scouting out the most powerful alpha male to lead her pack.  Some male primates, such as mandrills, bear red status symbols upon their chests, which assert their rank and dominance among other male primates.  The brighter shade of red, the more powerful the primate.  This seems to be an evolutionary eye candy that stuck.  In ancient cultures around the globe, the color red has been ever used to convey prosperity and power.  Even today, we roll out the red carpet for celebrities or prestigious power houses.  It seems red always has been, and always be, a dominance indicator.   While women like to mockingly refer to men as animals,  her animal within still flashes her backside for the richest, reddest chest-beater on two legs.

Whether we’re aware of it or not, red gets us hot.  It seems red translates sexual readiness for women…and powerful dominance for men.  Better said, women seek red for leader of the pack…men seek it for a night in the sack.

In the animal kingdom red says “Go…Now!”  However, regardless of our biological cues, we’ve managed to redefine red.  In our society, red conveys “stop” and “danger.”  Red stop signs, red lights, etc.  So, I can’t help but wonder…are we actually unaware of our sexual red fetish?  Or are we aware, but just that repressed?  Anything too sexual in our culture, we refuse to address…and instead, repress.  Have we subconsciously taken the green light out of our red sexual intersection?

Maybe it’s time we release our inner animal, embrace our blushing cheeks, and take red…to bed.  😉

Chick Hughes

When in doubt wear red. ~ Bill Blass quotes



ohsuzicue

You, me and debt make three.  When we think of infidelity, we often think of an affair.  But torrid sexual infidelity is now in direct competition…going bone to buck…with the one thing that can screw us harder and longer than a lusty lover…financial infidelity.  What precedes infidelity?  Flirting.  Most of us, at one time or another, have engaged in a little innocent flirting.  We’ve flirted with our sexuality…exchanged heated glances with strangers or enjoyed an exciting sexual tension with someone a little too much.  We’ve flirted financially…indulged in clothing, purses, or gadgets we’ve neglected to share with our spouse, or secretly kept the occasional $20 to treat ourselves.  These seemingly frivolous flirts may cost us a short-lived argument, but the spat will soon pass and we’ll get to keep that trendy new outfit, cutting edge gadget, or flirty ego boost all to ourselves.  Therein lies the motivation for the flirt.  However, when we graduate from a flirt to a full blown fling, the resulting argument won’t be so short-lived, and the only thing we’ll get to keep in the end is debt…whether it’s regret we owe…or money.  So what  can we do to prevent a financial fling?  And which fling is worse?  Financial or sexual?

Financial infidelity is “the secretive act of spending money, possessing credit and credit cards, holding secret accounts or stashes of money, borrowing money, or otherwise incurring debt unknown to one’s spouse, partner, or significant other.”  While both men and women are offenders, women seem to take the lead…probably because more often than not, women handle the household finances.  Some offenses may be minor…sneaking $10 to buy a scarf and passing it off as a long time closet hermit.  Some may be moderate…charging a “today hot, tomorrow not” $200 gadget and willing it to have an “invisible to wife” app.  While neither of these are marriage breakers, all lies — or omissions of the truth — can be damaging to a relationship.  But that’s just cosmetic damage.  Damage be damned.  To completely total a relationship, one may open up a secret charge account, incur debt in the tens of thousands, wipe out a savings account worth six digits, take out a second mortgage, stash money in a secret bank account, or gamble away his marital home, possessions, and future.

All of which can, and do, happen.

Money is the number one reason for marital disputes AND divorce.  Studies show that 60% of participating respondents consider hiding credit cards or major purchases serious “moving” violations.  A 2005 survey completed by lawyers.com and Redbook magazine interviewed nearly 2000 married/living together adults.  While most respondents considered a romp in the hay more treasonous, just under half claimed they’d prefer their spouses bone around with another, rather than buck around with their finances.  A separate study found that well over half of participating subjects considered a secret bank account reason enough for walking papers.  Divorce lawyers and marriage counselors agree that more divorce cases stem from differences in finances than affairs.  It seems money divides and conquers us more often than sex…whether it be an overabundance of financial flirts or one major financial fling.   Just what does that say about our marital priorities?

Double dip in the nookie bowl, you stand to lose an arm…but double dip in the money bowl, you’ll lose an arm AND a leg.

How does one get swept away in the sultry seduction of a financial fling?  Our over-spending can be attributed to many things:  an attempt to keep up an image, an effort to prove self-worth, an inability to say “no” to kids, an attempt to maintain a lifestyle we can no longer afford, a grasp at a false sense of power, or a struggle to satisfy some form of gambling addiction.  And then there’s America’s most popular reason for over-spending…plastic pleasure.  Buying with credit not only provides us immediate gratification, but its phony money disguise is just too seductive a temptation for some.  Plastic allows us to buy and enjoy now, and pay later…but, for those who abuse plastic pleasure, later is as relevant to their wallets as a training bra is to Dolly Parton.

Regardless of the reason, we seem to be as enticed by the sweet sins of financial fornication as a teenage boy is by whatever “secret” Victoria is hiding beneath her glossy pages and lacy unmentionables.

Financial counselors have some suggestions on how to avoid the financial fling:

* Don’t refer to money as “mine” or “yours.” Instead alter the mentality to “ours.” Our money, our problem.  “Mine” and “yours” sets us up as divided, rather than united.  United we stand, divided we fall.

*  Keep be NO secrets or lies when it comes to money. One dirty little secret leads to another dirty little secret until you have a dirty dozen secrets…leading to a down and dirty divorce.

*  Jointly write out a budget. A plan of action provides us a playbook for our financial future…a defined set of no-no’s and go-go’s.

*  Allocate each partner “blow money.” As little as $20/month gives us a sense of autonomy and allows us a much needed guilt-free indulgence.

*  Remain actively aware of all finances. A person who remains in the dark when it comes to his financial standing is making his bed for inevitable financial crashing.

Finding ourselves the victim of a financial infidelity can have devastatingly tangible consequences.  If a marriage ends, not only are we forced to start over emotionally, but we must do so without a monetary leg to stand on.  After being financially raped, we have no money to start over with.

So, which is worse?  A sexual fling can ruin a relationship, end in divorce, and have lawyers fighting over assets…who gets the house, the cars, the savings account, the investments, etc.  Once it’s all said and done, the heart will take a year, maybe two, to heal.  On the other hand,  a financial fling can bring the same brutally painful outcome…but with two differences…there may be NO assets to fight over, and financial ruin, or bankruptcy, can take 10 years to heal.  Ouch!

Seems there’s only one thing that drives us more than sex….cold, hard CASH!  So, when it comes to marital moolah, be straight…don’t fornicate, lest you contribute to the climbing divorce rate.    😉

Chick Hughes

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” ~  Errol Flynn

“Divorce, Remarriage, and Sex Talk with Chick Hughes”

“It’s official, Chick Hughes is my new girl crush. The new, as talk show host, Wendy Williams would say, “friend in my head.” I have been perusing her blog for quite some time now and was honored to have her grace the virtual pages of Today’s Modern Family when she wrote, “His No Drama Mama” for us.  She’s not only informative, but her combination of wit with just a hint of sarcasm keeps you plugged in and coming back for more. I like the way this chick – no pun intended – thinks! Check out my interview with her as we talk about divorce, (re)marriage and sex!” ~ Today’s Modern Family

To read the interview, go to  “Divorce, remarriage, and Sex Talk with Chick Hughes”

Thanks Today’s Modern Family (Kela) for this wonderful opportunity!

Chick Hughes